Gravity
by Abasketcase
Summary: AH BxE Bella has a book. Edward has an unfortunate past, dark present, and all or nothing future. Two strangers meet in an airport and find gravity in one another.
1. Calm the Storm

**Title: Gravity**

**Second fanfic for me. First All human.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY**

Oh, how I loathe airports. Who doesn't these days? Combine irritable people with even more irritable staff, throw in some whiny children, confused elderly, with a cup and a half of security and you've got… a bad combination. I sighed exasperated at the baby draped on the shoulder of its assumed dad. The stare was borderline creepy, pale blue eyes with the most vacant expression. I took a cautious step back, afraid that it was indigestion and I so did not want to be in its line of fire.

I had woken up at a time that I forgot existed, showered, dressed, and left my elegant and comfortable hotel for this hellhole of an airport. Well, JFK was not that bad, but in my current state of mind, it was very unappealing. It should be more appealing, though. I am heading back to Seattle for a small break from my even smaller book tour.

Book tour. _Cringe._ What an experience that had been so far. I thought the whole thing was ridiculous in the first place but my editor insisted upon it. I remember he had been very animated when he said, "Just think of the publicity! Ah. You're book will gain so much recognition! You'll enjoy it I assure you!"

I internally scoffed at his predictions. My book really isn't that popular, and this book tour was just a reminder of that.

_Growing bored, I laid my head down on my arm, staring at nothing. Someone swatted my head, hard._

"_Ow! Cut it out Rob!" I cried annoyed._

_He looked at me disapprovingly. "Grow up, Bella. You aren't going to attract many fans in your current state. You do want this book to do good don't you?"_

_I nearly growled. "Of course I do you buffoon! But what good is a book tour when you barely have any fans to attend!" I admit I exaggerated. I did have a reasonable sized fan base. It's just hard for me to believe that people read my book let alone liked it._

"_This brings awareness to your book. Let me do my job and I expect you to do yours!" He snapped back._

_Just then, a few girls hesitantly approached us._

"_Are you, Bella Swan?" the apparent brave one of the group questioned._

What set you off, the name plate? _I thought sarcastically. _

_I put on my best assuring smile and said. "Yes, would you like me to sign your book?" I asked gesturing to my book held tightly in her hands._

_She and the other girls nodded, relieved. _

The rest of that day pasted surprisingly well. I met with quite a few people, a lot of them really animated about my book. I remember Rob looked on with a smug smile on his face. That kind of ruined it for me. But I didn't let my "fans" know.

Finally, it was my turn to get my ticket and head to the wonderland known as security. I put in the necessary information checked out my seat; content enough I hit confirm and _viola_ out came my tickets. I was headed from New York, to Denver, to Seattle. I had a sudden premonition that it was going to be a long day. Nah, it was just common sense.

With a huff of air I wheeled my suitcase around to drop it off. A man in uniform and plastic gloves was handling the luggage.

"Got any film, weapons, batteries? Anything of that sort?" he questioned routinely while gesturing to the sign of "no no's."

I shook my head no and headed toward security. I'm smart you see, wearing flats, no sweatshirt, earrings, or metal clips, and I didn't even wear a wire braw. You can call it paranoia, but I've learned from experience. Those memories I block out constantly. Besides, everything that could go wrong usually does at an airport. I'm just saving myself from one more worry.

I approached a crowd of people and it suddenly dawned on me. This was the end of the line. _Shit. _I knew I should have come earlier. I looked at my phone. I'd make the flight but barely.

I wanted to call Alice, let her know how bored I was but the three hour time difference stopped me. The line was moving at a mockingly slow pace. I took the time to people watch. That was always fun, though it would be more fun if I had Alice here. I was glad I was finally heading home. Two weeks doesn't seem like much but for Alice and I who were practically sisters, it was long enough.

There was a family, about 4 feet ahead of me, that I chose to examine first. They were all pale with borderline white hair and the palest blue eyes I had ever seen, even paler than the peculiar baby. It was actually kind of creepy. I'd never seen so many albinos at once. The mom was currently scolding one of the kids, pointing her bony finger in his direction. The dad was trying to calm the little girl, mumbling some nonsense about Burger King. Huh. I wasn't amused. It was more fun when you had friends with you.

But I continued. I mean, in New York City, people don't get much more eclectic than that.

I saw about 5 people standing together, laughing, and smiling, having a good time. They seemed to be in their mid-twenties. No wonder they were so happy. What caught my attention though was their apparel. The guys had on fedoras, with black pants that were barely visible in the mess of baggy white t-shirts and plaid boxers. The lone girl had on the same apparel, minus the hat. She was chugging a water quickly, probably trying to finish it before security. I wish I could read what their shirts said because it probably held the key to the entire shenanigan. Then maybe I'd be able to figure out exactly why they were dressed so. But then again nobody needed a professional reason to dress a certain way, maybe it was just their style.

My gaze shifted through the crowd, growing bored I was about to give up when I saw him. I don't know why I decided to do a double take but I did. It was just something about him that told me to look. He had probably the craziest heap of auburnish-bronzish hair I had ever seen in my life, sticking up in every which way. His eyes were drawn almost to a close, like he was trying to sleep standing up. His body swayed slightly. He was almost successful. I pitied him for a moment because I had been in a similar predicament before. Being so sleepy it was almost painful.

From this distance I was able to make out very dark circles under his eyes, upsetting his pale complexion. Good God it looked like he hadn't seen the sun in years. He had some five o'clock shadow on his face. He was the picture of a disaster. I scolded myself for being curious as to what he would look like close up. But even in this exhausted stage, he was - no doubt about it – the most beautiful man I had ever seen, his hard jaw line, the smooth plane of his forehead, his straight nose, his full lips. Everything was flawless. I tilted my head a bit in wonder of his beauty. I knew I was staring but I'd doubt he'd ever notice. And even if he did it wasn't like I'd ever see him again. JFK was a big world. Ha.

I continued my examining. _Normally I'd think myself to be rude but I'm a little delirious now from the lack of sleep and coffee that I could care less._

He had on a black leather jacket, some random graphic tee hidden underneath it, and dark wash blue jeans. Obviously he dressed this way to detract attention, and if it was in fact drawn to him it had a 'stay away' vibe. Oh so he was a bad boy who didn't give about the world? How upsetting and tragic. No problem, I'd stay away from him just fine.

I didn't look back at him for the remainder of the line. Ok, I admit it was tempting, especially when I detected movement in his direction from the corner of my eye. But I fought the urge to peak and studiously ignored him. It got easier once he was out of sight, too bad for me he wasn't out of mind.

I don't know why but the more I fought the constant need to see him in my brain, the more I was drawn to him. I didn't know his name, his eye color, why he was so tired. I didn't know anything about him yet I wanted to know more than was healthy for me. I'd forget about him though. Once I'd get past security and rush to my flight, he would just fade into a distant memory of a random guy that I _saw_ at an airport. I wanted so much for that to be untrue…

Okay I'm finally at the turning point in my trip. This could either go really good or really bad, no in between. Hello my old friend, security.

Though nobody would really get my joke, I cracked my neck and knuckles anyway. I squared my shoulders, and stared straight ahead.

"It's go time." I mouthed, barely audible.

I thought I'd heard a laugh from somewhere in the distance, up ahead. The chatter was really too loud though for me to correctly distinguish.

Quickly, and efficiently I slipped off my flats, threw my phone and carry on into a single bin, and waited behind an older man struggling with his shoelaces. He had a sheepish look on his face. I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

I almost applauded when he finally got his bearings and was set to go. He walked quickly through the metal detector and went straight ahead to gather his belongings.

"Aight' miss, go ahead." A young man said.

For some reason I hold my breath every time I walk through these things. I sighed when I got out, safely. He checked my ticket and I headed towards the old man. This was quite the scene.

He had half of his jacket on, his left arm in the right sleeve, shoes barely on and untied, and his messenger back sloppily hanging from his side, tickets between his teeth.

I stifled a small giggle. Where was this man's wife? He was obviously lost without her. He must have heard me because he looked up, grumbled, and walked away.

I swiftly yet still ungracefully got my things out in record time and even passed the old guy who was farther through the airport than I.

I checked my ticket for the gate and sped up a little bit. I don't think they'd start boarding for another 15 minutes but its better safe than sorry. Besides, this airport is freaking huge.

When I arrived they still weren't boarding, but all the seats were filled. Surprise! Surprise! Oh well, I'd have plenty of time to sit on the plane. There was a Starbucks nearby so I figured I'd do the passengers some good by being slightly less irritable. Of course only good things could come from coffee, no matter who you were (With the exception of Alice, she had her limits.).

Once I got my coffee I gratefully sipped it, savoring its taste. I was a little ambitious today, putting in 4 count 'em 4 packets of sugar. It was a little too sweet for my liking but hopefully it would give me a bit of energy for sitting on my butt for the remainder of the day. Irony, don't you love it?

I picked absent-mindedly at the hem of my shirt. It had been washed one too many times and at some point it snagged on something causing a string to come loose. God, I hate it when that happens. I quickly finished my coffee while walking back towards my gate. I glanced at my phone. _Shit. _I said aloud. I was running a tad late. I saw that I had a new text, probably from Rob, so I opened it curious as to what he'd have to say this early in the morning. Silly old me forgot for a moment to look where I was going. I ran head into something hard, but human, and coffee, not mine, spilled everywhere.

"Shit! I'm so sorry!" I said hurriedly.

The bronze haired man hissed at the burn I'd probably caused him, either that or he was upset about his leather jacket. Leather jacket. _Crud!! _Leave it to me to fawn over this man all morning, hoping to never see him again (while silently praying that I did see him), and then make him spill his coffee all over the two of us. What a lovely first impression.

I knelt down on the ground and began picking up my belongings which were now scattered all over the floor. People had kicked them around unceremoniously. I'd noticed a few things that weren't mine but the bronze haired stranger's. I felt his eyes on me and then he knelt down and picked up his stuff quickly.

"I'm so so so so sorry. I wasn't paying attention." I tried to make amends to no avail.

"Forget about it." He snapped.

His tone was menacing, but yet it still held a smooth quality. I slapped myself internally for reciting my obvious attraction for him in my head.

"Is there someway I can make it up to you? I'll buy you a new coffee. Or give you money for a new one. Honestly, anything!" I plead. I always got pretty desperate with victims of my thoughtlessness and clumsiness. I just felt so bad!

He looked up at me, his expression downright terrifying, eyes narrowed, jaw tight. Oddly enough when we made eye contact his expression softened infinitesimally.

"No time. My flight leaves now." He shook his head while getting up and heading towards the gate.

I felt a strange urge to scream "Wait!" and then go into seduction mode and say "What's your number, babe?" Though I'd never say that aloud, and I'd never do that while sober, it doesn't change the fact that I had wanted to.

Nonetheless we were heading in the same direction, so I followed him. Then I neared my gate. He was nearing the same one. Suddenly it hit me. We were on the same flight. I didn't know whether to be happy, hopeful, or nonchalant about the whole thing. I settled on bewilderment. He somehow raced ahead of me, at a faster more graceful pace, so he didn't notice I was behind him the whole time.

He handed his ticket to the eyelash batting flight attendant and walked off into the hall. I was behind three other people, and about 15 more were behind me. I wasn't making great time but I was starting to wonder if maybe this was all worth it, going to the airport, getting stuck in security, especially that because I got to see _him_. And even though I had made a complete ass of myself by running into him, I can't help but feel grateful for that event. I got to see him up close. I got to hear his voice. I'd probably never hear it again but I'd do everything in my power to see him one last time. I'm usually never this obsessive, it is so odd of me, but I can't help what I feel. Strange as it may be, I'm going to do everything in my power to catch a look at him when I go to my seat.

"Enjoy your flight." The flight attendant said sweetly, too sweetly, especially at this hour.

I hurried down the hall, tripped twice, but caught my self on the railing. Stupid uneven ground. It was a bit chilly in the hall, but once I got the entrance of the plane it became uncomfortably stuffy. The way only hundreds of humans packed in a can could be. I took one dramatic breath of outside air and then flung myself into the mass of bodies.

There was a low hum of voices, about a billion odd smells, especially to my abnormally sensitive nose, but none of it mattered. I was on a goal, looking for one face, one set of eyes. I internally slapped myself in the forehead for not being observant enough to catch his eye color before. I was too caught up in apologies and self hate to pay attention to something so miniscule now, but of course all too important at the time. _Stupid!_

Looking. Looking. Looking. Nothing. The freaking plane was too huge to make out every face in the small amount of time I had in each isle. While people usually hated getting stuck behind people who took advantage of the small space to stow their luggage, I was of course grateful. It gave me more time to scour the seats for him. God I wish I had a name to the face. I know it wouldn't do me any good but at least when I told someone that I found the most beautiful guy at the airport, they'd automatically assume that we had good conversation if I used a name. I might stretch the truth a tad, and not let them know the real story. I'd leave it at "Oh yeah he was charming and really kind. I doubt I'll ever see him again but whatever." Yeah. I could live with that. Silly as it was.

About 30 seats back I found him! I was about 6 feet away, scanning the rows like a hawk when our eyes connected, and a surge of electricity bolted through the thick air, slowly…

It was peculiar because I found him staring at me before I found him. His eyes were already on me by the time I looked into them. In the few seconds we stared I found that he had the most beautiful jade green eyes that seemed to darken as time went on. As I kept on walking he held my gaze with such force that I found it nearly impossible to look away. At first, I thought he was annoyed and just plain agitated that I was on the same flight as him. I wouldn't blame him if he really thought that. But then his face twisted in bewilderment, and he looked away, out the window from his middle seat. He had the whole row to himself and I assumed he looked away as not to suggest an invite to sit with him. It probably wasn't a good idea for me to sit with him anyways. I'd just drool all over his already ruined jacket.

As I walked passed his row I whispered, "I'm sorry." Just loud enough for him to here. He nodded his head curtly.

Jerk. I thought internally. Once I was far enough away I let out an irritated sigh, half aimed at myself, the other aimed at the bronze haired beauty. I was mad at myself for my up and down mood this morning. At first sight, I was hooked, no doubt about it. After I regained the sensible side, I made a deal with myself (how pathetic) that I'd stay away from him. Which should have been easy because we're in a freaking airport! But no the fickle finger of fate had other ideas for me. I rarely believed in fate, but I liked the saying 'fickle'. So I ended up breaking the deal I had made with myself (even _more _pathetic) by practically going out of my way to see him again. I'm so stupid. I'd never have a chance with him or really anyone remotely good in this world. And as soon as this plane re landed and the gates were open, I'd definitely never see him again. Ok we have a resolution there.

Now for that bronze haired green eyed mystery. His mood was so sour, even more sour than someone who just had coffee spilled all over him. Instinctually I knew it was more than the coffee and the exhaustion. Even though logically, all signs pointed to the time of day and the situation for his mood, I was far beyond logical right now. So I sat, internally battling with all these conjectures inside my head.

I must've dozed off because the next thing I knew the flight attendant was giving us permission to use electronic devices. I sighed and stretched in the small space provided. Stupid coach seats.

I leaned down into my purse and dug around for my ipod. Just another reminder of this morning, everything was disorganized in our rush to make the flight. Ah. Our. Argh.

I found my ipod and started unraveling the ear phones when something occurred to me. There was a long gash on the front screen. I didn't remember how that came about. Instinctually I flipped my ipod over, hoping to find my favorite quote instead there was a name engraved on it. I gasped.

Edward Cullen

Suddenly it became clear. In flashes I saw half of my belongings on the floor, mixed with the bronze haired man's. Two identical white ipod videos lying side by side, he grabbed one, I grabbed the other.

_Shit._

**I named this story after the song "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. Check it out if you haven't because it's freaking awesome. Thank you for reading! :PPPPP  
**


	2. Battle

**Bonjour! I want to say thank you to all the people who have reviewed and I love you!**

I stared at the name for too long of a moment. Then I shifted my gaze around the small space looking for singing trash cans or dancing barf bags, something that would claim this all a dream! Or a nightmare, I hadn't decided yet.

When it became obvious that my surroundings were natural (not too natural for that could be a dream/nightmare also), I made my decision to return the ipod to its owner sooner rather than later. I wouldn't want him to grow suspicious.

Using all the self-control I had left I didn't turn on his ipod to shamelessly search his music and photo library like I so desperately wanted to. Come on Bella you're an adult, he has a right to privacy… I guess. Meh. I shrugged it off and rewrapped the ear buds around it. And then I sat. I shifted a few times but made no effort to physically walk over to him. I knew exactly where his seat was so that wasn't the problem. I think it was because I was afraid of him. What would his reaction be to this? Would he be pissed? Why would he? It's not like I purposely mixed his ipod with mine.

I leaned my head back and stared at the fake ceiling. I was sitting next to a couple that had chosen this time to discuss their marital problems. Lovely. Most people were catching z's, but I'm the lucky person who gets stuck with these nimwads.

"Oh my God. When are you ever going to learn respect? Or manners? Any personality traits that are commonly attached with a gentleman? I swear as soon as this plane lands we are calling our counselor!" This woman went on and on about how rude and obnoxious her husband was. Which he would just shrug it off and say something silly like, "It's who I am.", or "It's how I was raised."

That wasn't enough for the woman, so she went on and on about how desperately she wants change, and how she has contemplated leaving him but didn't for fear that he couldn't make it without her. This was downright silly. Thankful that I had an isle seat at this moment, I impulsively started walking towards Edward Cullen, the rightful owner of the ipod left on my seat. Oh right.

I turned back around, tripped on a bag strap hanging in the isle, and fell back into my seat. Just then the seatbelt sign turned on, a bad omen. Well, never a rebel, even on flights where it would be fun to break the stupid rule, I stayed seated. I twiddled my thumbs, played with my extra rubber band, and examined my hair for split ends, basically anything that kept my hands busy. I was trying so hard to not devour Edward's ipod. Oddly enough, I was giving him respect that I was starting to question his right to deserve. I mean, he was pretty wicked in the few moments we had interacted. Maybe a peak would be my secret payback. No! Don't let yourself talk your mind into that nonsense. Damn I'm starting to sound a lot like Gollum, not a good thing…

About two minutes after my Gollum revelation, the seatbelt sign turned off. This was a good thing. Like I had decided before it was better to return it sooner, rather than later. Besides, I needed something to tune out the bickering bunch that was now moving on to topics that should remain in the bedroom! Argh. I'm so lucky when it comes to seats. Not! (**ha. I'm a 90s kid!)**

With the ipod firmly grasped in my hand, I made the simple trip six rows up to Edward Cullen. I stopped a few seats behind and my breath caught in my throat. There he was, in all his glory, stroking absent mindedly across the engravings on the back of my ipod. So he knew! And yet he didn't make an attempt to switch. Maybe he'd just found out now. Let's leave it at that. I stood back for a few moments, just watching him. His knuckles were scratched with dried blood scattered around them. They looked like they had seen one too many faces up close. Huh, so he is a rebel. Either that or bulimic, but he didn't look the type. Besides, I think the scars were usually further up the hand, by the wrist…

"Ahem."

I jumped. Oh. "Whoops. Sorry." I was holding up a line of people. I took a few deep breaths and walked but apparently not fast enough because the impatient teenager behind me settled for pulling my arm and leading me to the far side so she could squeeze through. She bolted for the bathroom. Ew.

I let a few other people pass, just because I needed a little more time to prepare. How shall I go about this? Should I sit down, nah, I'll stand and quickly say sorry and hand him his ipod. I wouldn't need to explain the predicament for it was obvious he knew. Then I'd run like hell back to my seat. That way Edward wouldn't get the chance to yell at me or just be plain cold and make me feel even worse. There. I hope I didn't disturb the people, whose seat I was currently hovering, too much. Ah, who was I kidding? They had gone straight past pretending I wasn't there to full on side staring out of bewilderment. It would be only a matter of time before they asked me what I was doing. I couldn't decide which I would rather face, these strangers or Edward. I didn't give myself a chance to decide and started for his row.

As soon as I was in his sight butterflies arose in my stomach. He was so beautiful. I slapped myself in the forehead. Bad idea… he noticed. I quickly pulled myself together. There was a catch when doing things in a rush, they usually come out wrong.

"Here, I-I have your ip-pod and you ha-ave m-mine. I'm sorry for the inconvenience." I sounded like I was either mentally retarded or drunk, another great impression.

I quickly placed my palm in front of me and didn't dare to look up, afraid of what I might see. When he didn't grab it after about two seconds with seemed like the last two minutes during the American Idol season finale, I looked at my hand, and then very hesitantly I looked up to him.

I wasn't expecting his expression, which was one of subtle amusement, not murderous hate like I had expected. There was a small glint in his eyes that I hadn't seen before. Don't get me wrong they were a beautiful color but honestly, they _were _dead. But now, there was something different. I looked down to his lips, which were twitching in fight of a smile. He quickly composed himself though, and shifted his gaze to my ipod.

"You quote Les Miserables." He stated in a calm voice that I hadn't heard before. It was even more smooth and velvet like than when he was practically yelling at me.

I just stared at him like an idiot not quite registering what he was saying.

"'Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to light the fraternity of strangers.'" He quoted the last part while looking up to meet my probably glazed over face.

His eyes had that same glint in them as before, but there was no longer a smile threatening to break out on his face, instead he looked very serious. Like he was trying to read my mind but failing oh so miserably. He leaned in his seat towards my unstable figure, tilting his head slightly, still looking like he was trying to read me. Luckily, by now, I was conscious again.

I bit my lip while setting his ipod down on the empty seat next to him. "Um, can I please have my ipod back?" I questioned hesitantly.

He shook his head, obviously floating back down to consciousness too. "Uh, yeah of course." He cleared his throat slightly and then mimicked what I did, setting my ipod in the empty seat next to him. He grabbed his.

"Thank you for bringing it back." He said simply.

"No problem." I answered, grabbing my own ipod and then very, reluctantly turning towards my seat, what happened next would probably even surprise the high and mighty Alice, who usually saw everything coming. Edward spoke again.

"Why did you choose that quote?" He asked suspiciously, not conversationally. I could tell he was truly curious.

I turned back to him, tilting my head and narrowing my eyes. Why the hell would he care?

"I guess it's my favorite. It's the way I feel about life quite often actually." I answered simply. Though there were about a billion other reasons why I chose it, and probably a paper stashed somewhere in my parents attic explaining my whole thoughts on my favorite volumes, I answered with the first thing that came to my head. And it was the truth in a way. I had met Alice under similar circumstances. I was between a rock and a hard place, and that brought Alice and I together, after years of not even knowing each other's existence. After one fateful evening, we had been bonded forever. The quote was so true. I had learned firsthand.

He nodded, but still looked like he wanted to know more. I really wasn't in any position to tell him the background of how Alice and I met, and how the quote pertained to everyday life.

He'd just have to settle for that because out of the corner of my eye I could see the flight attendants quickly making it through the rows on their way up to serve the drinks. _Great. _Now I was stuck. They were blocking my access to my seat quickly, as if on purpose. God, I hate flying. I looked back to Edward who was now staring in their direction, with an unreadable expression on his face. He apparently knew too.

He sighed and I could almost detect faint relief in it. I must have been hallucinating. I looked back at him and I couldn't help but widen my eyes in panic. How bizarre, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, the rock being the seat next to Edward, and the hard place being my escape to the bathroom line, where it would be too obvious that I was trying to avoid him. And I didn't want to be rude, even if he did deserve a taste of his own medicine. I admit though, he had warmed up fractionally since earlier this morning, why I hadn't a clue. Maybe he was bipolar. Nah, they usually undergo huge mood changes not subtle ones.

I looked back at the nearing cart. I guess it was Edward's turn to be rude and he obviously took it, not even offering the seat next to him as refuge until the drink ladies passed. Jerk.

Then, suddenly, as if on cue, we ran into some turbulence. And it wasn't so mild. It was a full on jerk upwards of the plane, similar to the one on LOST. I couldn't help the small yelp that arose from me, and well, gravity did the rest for I fell half on the seat, and half on Edward. He jumped from the contact and as the shaking continued he put his hands on my ribs to steady me, and then set me in the seat next to him. His touch had sent an electric current through me, and it wasn't unpleasant.

The shaking subsided into delicate little pulses. And I was about to get up and make my exit from the bathroom when Edward's hand rested on mine, firmly. I looked up at him questioningly but he simply shook his beautiful head and nodded towards the seatbelt sign. It was turned on, and then again, as if on cue, the pilot spoke over the intercom.

"Folks as you can tell…. We ran into some… slight turbulence… uh…. We ask that you… uh… stay in your seats until the seatbelt sign has been turned off…. It should… uh… be a few minutesthankyou." The way pilots spoke never seemed to fail me. They'd drawl out their "Uhs" and take unnecessary pauses, and then they'd usually finish up real quickly and get all professional. It must be pretty distracting up there, well with flying a plane and all.

I laughed out loud.

Edward looked at me bemused, and then back at our hands, still pressed together tightly, his doing not mine! He quickly took his hand away and rested it on his lap where he stretched it out profusely.

It felt a little uncomfortable when the cool air replaced Edward's hand. But it was simply the temperature change, not the absence of touch. At least I told myself that.

"Why were you laughing?" Edward asked. He was slowly becoming more talkative. I was curious as to why but shrugged it off for a later mind battle. Right now, I needed to spend my time with Edward wisely. Even though his intentions were unclear, mine were even foggier. And I needed to go with my heart instead of over analyzing everything like I usually did. The only way to do that was to answer his question, and hopefully provoke more. I'd think about my behavior later…

I turned to face him. "The pilot." I shrugged. "I don't know. I always find their behavior funny." I finished.

He looked up from his hand. "Oh." He said simply. He didn't look like he was going to say more. In fact his hand was inching closer to his ipod with each passing minute. He probably didn't know how to say bye.

I grabbed my ipod and stood up heading towards my seat. Apparently I didn't know how to say goodbye either for I left without a word, so much for spending my time wisely.

I probably walked a little too dramatically back to my seat. What with my feet dragging noisily and the occasional exasperated sigh. But I'd left Edward. And now that that chapter had ended, the rest of the trip would be officially boring, as with my life. It was silly really to get my hopes up, what for I'm not sure but they were up, and are now officially down. I didn't even feel like over analyzing everything that I had done in his presence, because everything had come from my heart and it wasn't wrong or impulsive, just natural.

I came within hearing distances of my lovely bickering friends sooner than I had anticipated. They weren't even trying to keep it down anymore. It was a full blown argument, that was escalating quickly. _Well this is just perfect. _But having no other choice, I sat down.

"So what if you and my mother don't get along?! Your parents aren't exactly little angles either!" She bellowed.

He scoffed. "Don't change the subject, Melissa. You seriously don't remember last Christmas, how Rita had personally made my life a living hell?" He snapped.

"Oh please! Don't be such a big baby. She was just trying to keep up a healthy tradition! And neither she nor I was going to let you disrupt it!"

Okay I need my ipod stat! I quickly unraveled the ear buds and gratefully popped them in. Then I found a familiar rock song and turned it up as high as I could without damaging the ear piece or my ear drum. Concentrate on the lyrics, anything but the conversation going on beside you, or Edward, who you are already missing for no apparent reason. I chanted.

I don't know how long it took for me to give up, maybe 3 minutes. It was a lost cause anyway. I turned off my ipod in defeat. Their argument never missed a beat, and was getting louder and louder. These people obviously were too far gone to care about what other people thought of them, which was sad.

I stared at my hands folded in my lap for a few moments when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to see a flight attendant with a ruefully smile on her face, her eyes showing obvious pity for me.

"Miss, would you like to move to a different seat? There are a few empty ones further up." She gestured toward the front of the plane.

Maybe I'd get lucky and they'd have a first class seat open for me. That happened one time, and I got a free granola bar. It wasn't that great but because it was free it was all the more delicious.

Without thinking I agreed, and grabbed my lone carry on, not even making a second glance back at the couple, who continued their quarrel.

"This should be better I hope." She said while she led me to the row directly across from Edward.

There was an empty isle seat which I took hesitantly. There were a few more empty seats ahead, but maybe she knew I had talked to Edward and wanted to make me uncomfortable. Maybe this was some sick ploy. I sat down anyway. There was a sleeping business man in the middle seat beside me, who didn't look like he was going anywhere, anytime soon, and a small Asian girl leaning against the window, drool slipping down her mouth.

And then there was Edward, who had moved the armrest up and was currently sleeping in a sideways position across the two seats. I was thankful that he wasn't awake, for I didn't know what to say to him anymore, if to say anything at all. In reality I believed we reached closure. I still couldn't help the want to know more, but it was a lost cause. He obviously wasn't interested in me anymore, which meant that I couldn't talk to him to try and fish answers out of him. I wish I would have tried harder earlier. But I went with my heart, and I guess it told me to stay out, bug off, fuck off, whatever you want to call it. It certainly has a way with words.

I sat back and yawned quietly. I had received the negative side of coffee, a sugar crash. Stupid ambitious mood! 4 packets wasn't the smartest idea.

Sighing defeated, I drew my legs up to my chest, wrapped my arms around my knees, and rested my head on the little make shift platform. At some point, I had fallen into a light sleep, extremely uncomfortable, and extremely uneasy.

I awoke with a start. I didn't know what it was that woke me but I was awake now, and hyperaware of eyes on me. Instinctually I turned to Edward. He was the culprit. He was closer than he was before, and my sleepy mind couldn't figure out why at first. Then I had noticed he moved to the isle seat.

He stared at me, with an unreadable expression in his eyes, and then it turned to confusion before he quickly turned to face the seat in front of him, the design suddenly extremely interesting.

"Good Morning." I said lamely. It was the groggy mind I swear!

He waved just as lamely back. Maybe he'd just woken up too.

I decided then and there I wasn't going to leave things as they were. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had turned down such an instinct to know more. Just call me Bella the Determined, or Bella the Obsessed. Whichever works.

"Do you know how much time we have left until we land?" I asked trying to sound casual about it.

He turned back to me with a slightly vacant and slightly worried look upon his face.

"We are beginning our descent into Denver now." He answered.

My heart sunk as my ears began to pop.

**thanks for reading!!**


	3. Coward

**I love all of you that have taken the time to read this, add it to your favorites, alerts, and reviewed. It makes me so happy!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY.  
**

Where had time gone? Oh right, sleep. Simultaneously I frowned in disappointment and sighed in frustration. I was officially out of luck. Or was I?

Quickly, I flung my bag open and rummaged around for my tickets. I don't know how it happened, but my fingers did this flippy thing and my tickets went flying in the exact direction I didn't want them to, the isle. With a huff of air I went to lean over and get it. I stopped short when I noticed someone had beaten me to it. Edward Cullen. Who else?

Once he had the tickets in his hand he rose slowly, and looked intently at them. Okay this was a little rude, wasn't this some sort of invasion of privacy? It had to be.

"What are you doing?" I asked dumbfounded.

Before I had asked he had a small smile playing on his lips, and that same glint in his eyes. As soon as I spoke though he composed himself and handed me back my tickets a little too violently.

He sighed, and then rummaged around in the front seat compartment. He grabbed his tickets (a little more rumpled than mine, what a boy.) and studied them for a few seconds. He nodded slowly and then spoke.

"Ah, you and I share the next flight together…" He put his hand on his chin as he continued reading the information.

It took all the self control I had from this morning and then some not to break out in a happy dance and give the business man next to me a big, jubilant hug. I bit my lip to keep myself from bursting into a full tooth grin.

"Huh. What a coincidence." I had attempted to sound casual, but my voice had obviously raised an octave or two.

He turned and gave me a crooked grin. This was the first time I had actually seen a smile on this man's face and my God, it was beautiful. I don't think I'd be able to handle a full toothed smile, for that might make my knees give out, and my heart for that matter.

"Quite." He said in a lighter tone.

This newfound information gave us even more time than I could have ever hoped for, so much time that I didn't have a clue what to do with.

Then I had an idea. And I possibly should have thought twice before asking for this may have ruined everything, but I just went with the flow.

"Um, so since we have quite the lengthy layover, maybe I could finally make this morning up to you by getting you a new coffee?" I had meant this to come across as a favor, not some psycho airport date. Truly, my only intentions were to make up for my disastrous actions this morning. If things went well, then surely my intentions would change. But as of now, it was just a favor. A friendly favor.

Edward turned away and sighed. It wasn't irritated or exasperated from the sound of it, just one of frustration, with my luck aimed at me. His gaze shifted around nervously, anywhere but to me…

"I- I guess so." He answered hesitantly.

Sheesh. It's not like I had a leopard print braw sticking out a low v-neckline shirt with a mini skirt and black fishnet stockings! I'd have to make myself clearer.

"Don't worry. I'm just doing this as a favor." I paused gazing at him, waiting for him to look up. When he finally did I continued. "I just feel bad about this morning, and the least I can do is by you a new coffee, and a muffin if you'd like. Anything." I answered sincerely. And I did feel really bad. Shockingly enough, I felt worse now than I had when I accidentally spit my gum out into someone's hair. Long story there and I don't feel like taking a trip down memory lane right now.

He nodded. "Ok." And with that he shot me a half smile.

I sighed relieved and smiled back shyly.

After that the plane landed without a hitch, or a word exchanged between Edward and I. The silence was borderline awkward, but since I was busy gathering my things and gazing out the side window it wasn't too bad.

We approached the gate slowly when multiple buckles sounded. Silly impatient passengers. When the seatbelt sign finally turned off, a few people stood up and started rummaging through the overhead compartments. Why they did this was beyond me for we were near the back of the plane, and wouldn't be able to move for another ten minutes. I sighed and turned on my phone. I decided that now was as good of time than ever to check the message from Rob.

Bella! You're probably in a plane now but I just couldn't wait! Dana Reeves cancelled in Tallahassee! Pack your shades we're going to Florida!

Well this is nice. People will be expecting the much more popular and talented author Dana Reeves and instead get me. I might as well be labeled boot leg. I sighed. This would extend my tour even more. And I didn't think that being the less pretty author to replace someone in Tallahassee was anyway to increase my book's popularity. But Rob was in charge of this crap so I might as well keep my mouth shut. Of course being in Florida, Rob would insist on making 'mini' stops all around the state. I'm shaking in anticipation right now…

I contemplated sending that thought to him, but opted against. I was afraid that he would take me seriously and extend the tour even further. Just then something occurred to me. What if Rob lied about the tour being 'Short and sweet and to the point. Like your book!' and said that to get me to agree, and then started shelling out all these unscheduled trips? Oh God. Was he really that smart? No…

The business was beginning to shift in his seat, along with the Asian girl. I looked up to see the long line that had accumulated was starting to move. The people behind me were still getting their luggage out of the overhead compartments so I took the time to let the two passengers beside me out.

The man passed by me without a word. The girl stood up, a whopping 4'11" in height, stretched a stretch of champions, yawned a baby yawn, scratched her black head of hair, and left. I stared at her retreating figure in bewilderment. I don't know why but that little show bugged me. I shrugged it off and turned to Edward.

"Ready to go?" I asked, assuming that we'd get the coffee right away, and that we'd be each other's company throughout the layover. Well, I had hoped the last part.

He nodded and gestured for me to lead.

I walked ahead a few feet and turned back to make sure Edward was behind me. He was, and following quite loyally, keeping a closer distance between us than random strangers would. That made me happy. At least he wasn't too afraid of me.

"Thank you for flying. Have a nice- trip." A flight attendant said, half laughing at what another one said.

Oookay. As soon as I stepped out of the stuffy plane, the frigid air hit me, hard. I shivered involuntary while pulling my long sleeved shirt further down my arms. The hallway was no refuge. The cold air was simply concentrated.

Edward came up beside me once there was enough space. He looked on to my shivering form with a conflicted look.

"It'll be warmer inside the airport." I could tell he was trying to sound reassuring, but his tone still sounded dead. I wondered why.

"Y-yeah." I agreed between a shiver.

Edward stopped mid stride and I was about a foot ahead before I realized he was behind me.

I turned to him questioningly. He had that same conflicted look on his face. Doubt was starting to sink in. What if he was contemplating backing out and only agreed to this for charity? He couldn't have agreed out of charity, the entire thing was based on _my _own!

"Are you coming?" I asked weakly, dreading his answer.

His gaze turned pitiful, and then worry crept into his eyes, probably matching my own furrowed brow and doubtful eyes.

He nodded and caught up to me quickly and gracefully. I admired him for that simple trait, being coordinated and all. As soon as we were actually inside the airport it was warmer, and I felt a little better, still a little shaken up at Edward's hesitation, or whatever it was that he dealt with back there.

I stretched slightly and looked around. We were in a busy end of the airport, the one where most of the larger planes refueled and picked up passengers. It would be easier to find a Starbucks this way then at the scarcely populated side used for smaller airplanes.

"Forgive me for not knowing my way around but we might be wandering for a while in search of coffee." I warned him softly, afraid of his response.

He let out a laugh without humor. "We've got time."

That we did. I started my path around the seats and headed in the direction of the main hall. Edward was at my side the whole time, walking beside me close enough to touch. Once we were in the main hall I looked to my left and squinted my eyes in search of… Ah Ha!

The luminescent lights of Starbucks, home.

"I think I found it, this way." I pointed in the general direction of it and started to lead. Edward kept pace the whole way there, not stopping like he had at the gate, but not making conversation either. I guess I'd have to break the ice.

"I'm really sorry about your jacket." Fabulous Bella, just fabulous. I put my hand on my chin and thought of another way to make it up to him. "Maybe I could by you another one, which brand do you prefer? I'm sure we'd find some leather outlet here even, this place is pretty big." I thought aloud.

Edward put his hand up to stop me from going further. "Don't be silly. You aren't buying me a new jacket. Please, the coffee is more than enough. I can buy it on my own you know." He offered politely.

I snorted. "No way, you have to let me do at least that." I plead.

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

I couldn't think of anymore to say. Luckily we were in front of Starbucks now. It was a small stand, nothing like the one and JFK, and it was packed. I sighed. Great, more awkward silence. I wished that Edward would break the ice for once.

The line was practically stationary, thanks to fancy orders. But hey at least we weren't at the back of the line anymore, a lady and her daughter were behind us now. Edward still hadn't made any effort to start conversation. Maybe he was shy, aw and all this time I was thinking he was a jerk. Well he was a jerk, but maybe he was a shy one. I'd give him that. Besides I really didn't even know him yet, best not to judge a book by its cover, or the backside summary for that matter. Hell, even the first chapter! Scratch that, I suppose it was best not to judge the _Edward_ book by its cover, backside summary, or the first chapter because he was simply to beautiful to write off as a complete ass.

"Oh my goodness, are you Bella Swan?" Asked the woman behind us with a faint French accent present.

I turned to her horrified. I didn't know anyone with a French accent, so this must mean she was… a fan. I scanned her quickly, and noticed the hint of my book sticking out of her 'mom bag'. I looked to Edward who was looking back and forth from the woman to me, with a bemused expression on his face.

I blushed and gulped. "Guilty."

Her eyes widened. "Wow. I cannot believe it! Would you mind signing my book?" She asked excitedly while whipping out my book and displaying it for the entire world to see, well at the moment just Edward and I.

I smiled at her weakly. "Yeah, sure." She handed me a pen with pink feathers at the end. I examined it briefly and then began to sign.

"Make it out to Chantal, please." She ordered.

Okey-dokey then. To Chantal, yours truly, Bella Swan. Once I was finished I placed the pen inside the book and handed it to her. She thanked me profusely and then up and left, running and practically dragging her daughter along with her. Weird.

I turned to the sharks, I mean Edward. He was staring at me intently, faint admiration apparent in his features, and that same glint in his eyes that came and gone as it pleased, kind of like his good mood.

"You wrote a book?" He asked while moving up in the line which had moved a few feet since the whole ordeal. His voice was a bit breathless.

I looked at the ground, avoiding his gravitational pull on my eyes. I simply nodded, hating the conversation that he struck up dealt with me and my silly book.

"That's uh, that's amazing." He said cautiously.

I looked up to see him staring at me this time with full admiration. His eyes intensely boring into mine, no longer looking dead but extremely interested in my deep boring brown ones.

I turned my gaze back to the ground and shrugged. Edward's stare was making me uneasy, in only a way that he could accomplish. Not that I didn't like it, but there was so much on display in his eyes that I wasn't used to. There was emotion. I suppose that even though it was admiration aimed towards me, it was a start.

"I can help someone over here." A small blonde said as she opened up a register. They should've done that earlier. But she looked like the type to show up to work late anyway. It shortened the line fractionally and we were now second, behind a little tween who had picked up one of those frozen coffees in the front cooler and a fruit cup. As she was leaving, she opened up the bottle hesitantly, shook it around, examined its components, scowled, shrugged and then sipped it. She pulled it away and grimaced, and as she walked she downed more of it, yet another example of children trying to be more like adults. Why they put themselves through such torture was beyond me.

"What can I get you?" the small blonde asked while shooting Edward a wink, talk about being forward.

He placed his order and then looked to me. The blonde never took her eyes off of him. I shook my head.

"That'll be it." I answered.

She totaled it up and I paid, against a protest from Edward but he found no avail.

Once he got his drink he took a seat at a table for two. He didn't offer for me to sit by him but I did anyway. As of now, the only way I'd leave would be if he said, "Leave, now.".

He blew on his coffee and looked around the airport. "Why didn't you get anything?" He questioned without looking at me.

I shrugged. "I finished my coffee this morning, you didn't. Besides, I'm not a huge coffee buff."

He nodded his head slowly in response.

I rested my head on my chin and mimicked Edward, people watching like I had this morning.

"Tell me about your book." He said after a few minutes of comfortable, people watching silence.

Yet again he chose his ice breaker as my book. I had been asked to describe all aspects of my book so many times before my answers had become second nature, so the question was easy enough. But I didn't feel comfortable talking about it in a nonprofessional aspect, especially with Edward, who I wanted to learn about…

"There's not much to it. It's a short novel, with relatable characters and a mild setting. I suppose when I finished it, I wanted readers to take away a lesson similar to the one stated on my ipod. It's about everyday people faced with everyday challenges times 10, who find that life really isn't that great at the moment, but they somehow pull through, whether it be from the small simple things to meeting the love of your life. They begin the story out as strangers, and by the end they are irrevocably connected with one another, thanks to their trials."

Simple enough, and the truth, I wasn't proud of my answer though, because I'm sure that you could find it word for word in some magazine. Oh well…

Edward didn't respond. I took that as a bad sign. So what if my book was mediocre, did he really expect anything more from me? I stared down at the table sheepishly.

"Bella," It was the first time he had said my name and I realized I'd never get tired of hearing him saying it, "That really, I mean, I can't, I'm at a loss for words quite honestly. You're very talented." He stuttered and paused throughout.

I didn't know what to think of that.

"You haven't even read it yet…" I muttered lamely.

He laughed again without humor. "I don't need to, though I will the second I can." He answered confidently.

I shook my head. "Edward, you don't have to do a charity read just because I gave you charity coffee, honestly." Seriously, I'd rather him not read the book at all if he was doing this as payback for the coffee. It was only 4 dollars.

"Bella look at me, I'm not doing this out of charity." He said while putting quotations in the air while he said the word charity. "I'm genuinely interested in your book."

I just looked away and nodded, not wanting to argue, and not knowing what to say next. Ok so I bought him his coffee with hopes of talking about _him _but the whole thing crashed down on me. Bleh. I couldn't let it end here.

Once Edward finished his coffee he stood up and headed towards the garbage can. With about 2 seconds of a reassuring speech, I followed him. He dumped it and turned around to me with the same conflicted expression on his face. I thought my own expression was innocent enough, I wondered why he was acting this way.

His gaze turned pitiful. "Thank you for the coffee."

"You're welcome." I responded trying to sound cheery. I didn't add an 'anytime' because, well let's face it that was just too forward.

I fiddled with the hem on my shirt again. "Do you um, I don't know, would you like to walk to Concourse B with me?" I asked hoping he knew the general information of where our flight would be taking off, if he didn't though I'm sure he would have realized it sooner or later.

He sighed exasperated and pinched the bridge of his nose. What was wrong with him? It was a simple invite, besides wasn't it already obvious that we would see each other again, somehow, someway today?

Not wanting to face rejection in the face, I turned away and started heading in the opposite direction of Edward. Yes Concourse B was to right not left but who cares.

"Bella wait!" Edward called frantically, though still hinting at a dead tone.

I turned around slowly, reluctantly. Oh so he wanted to reject me in my face? He couldn't just let me run away? Jerk.

I sighed walked about 2 more steps back to him, but not the full distance because I was a coward. Edward closed the distance between us just as reluctantly, with the same conflicted expression upon his face.

"Please forgive me but, I'm not sure if- if you really should be hanging out with me. I-uh." He sighed and pinched his nose again, his bloody knuckles extremely apparent, and almost like a flashing sign of stay away. Meh.

"Why?" I blurted out, not mockingly but generally curious, and a bit crushed.

He took a deep breath and began. "Because I'm not the type of person you should be around, Bella. I have- things going on in my life right now that I don't want you to have to be a part of. I couldn't let you." He said exasperated.

I frowned. "Edward, I'm only asking for your company to Concourse B. It's nothing really." I reasoned quietly.

He looked up to me and glared. "But it will turn into something and you know it." He pointed out frustrated.

That took me off guard. I stepped away from his glare and stared up at him frightened and skeptical. My eyebrows knitted together in subtle confusion while my eyes scanned his face. He looked angry, and instinctually I knew it was at himself not me, because in his beautiful green eyes I saw pity.

I composed myself and spoke. "Edward I'm not worried about what it is you have going on in your life right now."

He looked at me disbelieving for a moment then he scoffed. "How can you say that? You don't even know what it is." He voice was quiet and weak. I could tell his wall was becoming chipped.

"Try me," I blurted out.

**Thank you for reading. :)))))**


	4. Monster

**Thank you for taking the time to read this story and/or review. It means a lot.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY**

I really shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have pried. I realized that as soon as those words were out of my mouth. I felt awful.

He sighed and shook his head quickly, looking away from me.

"I'm sorry, Edward. You don't have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable." I said shamefully.

"Bella," he said, his tone pained. "It's complicated." He muttered looking at the ground.

This set me off

I moved my head to become level with his. "So what? What exactly are you afraid of? How could telling me be so horrible?" I questioned seriously.

If he wasn't going to tell me, I suppose I could live with that because if it caused him this much anguish, surprisingly I rather myself suffer than him. Apparently I was already willing to make sacrifices for a person I barely knew. Very smart, Bella…

But I deserved to at least know _why_ he couldn't tell me. He sighed angrily and threw his hands up in exasperation. His expression was frantic irritation.

"I'm afraid of you getting hurt, Bella!" He yelled, and a few people looked at us, and then turned away, pretending they were minding their own business. It wasn't a very convincing act.

"What do you mean?" I asked weakly. How would I get hurt? Did he mean physically or emotionally? With him I didn't know what to expect, what was rational, and what was not. It seemed just as one question was answered, about a trillion others surfaced.

Now I was questioning just how _much _I wanted to know. I looked up to Edward slowly and his tortured expression answered that. I wanted to know it all. No matter what I wanted to help him.

"Bella, I don't know how to say this…" He groaned frustrated and leaned against the half wall for support. He buried his head in his hands.

The picture was heartbreaking. I instinctually put my hand on his shoulder reassuringly and rubbed soothing circles. What could be causing him this much pain?

"Edward, I'm not here to judge you." I said. It was the truth, "I'm here to help." and that was my promise. Whether to him or me, I wasn't sure, but I'd keep it nonetheless.

He lifted his head from his hands and met my gaze with the saddest eyes I had ever seen. The dark circles were there, though less pronounced against the ancient emotional pain lurking inside the green orbs.

He stood up then, taking in his surroundings, rubbing his tired eyes and scruffy chin. He seemed to be calculating, his eyes deep in concentration. Suddenly he stopped rubbing his chin and winced slightly. Then he sighed and looked up towards the ceiling.

"Let's go for a walk." He whispered hoarsely.

He began walking, but at a slower pace that seemed to drip with dread. I caught up to him and even managed to surpass him by a few strides. He came up behind me and put his hand on the small of my back. I relished in the contact. Though a subtle gesture, it did wonders for me.

I suppose this is it. I guess his ice breaker would have nothing to do with my book or pilots, for the first time I would be getting a peak into the mystery that is Edward Cullen.

We weren't heading in the direction of Concourse B but it didn't matter, we had time. And now that Edward was finally opening up, I could really care less about that flight back to Seattle. It seemed as if the rest of the world sort of just faded away, and Edward and I were the only occupants of the airport. This was just plain silly because everyone was very apparent, in a way only airports could present. In fact, a certain greasy, pimply faced teenager who looked like a wannabee rebel without a cause was winking at me like something had gotten stuck in his eye. I turned my head to him confused as we walked passed. Concurrently Edward took a deep breath to begin. This mixture of events took up the lasts bits of my concentration and I lost my footing, tripped on the carpet and tumbled towards the ground.

Leave it to me to ruin Edward's moment by creating one of my own, an embarrassing one at that. He caught me but barely, his arm around my waist losing its grip. He had to readjust it a few times to pull me back up. The close proximity of him to me was enough to drive a person mad with desire! When he let go of my waist it _mentally_ caused me physical pain to be separated from him. I'd have to fall more often if things remained friendly between us.

"You okay?" He asked once I had my footing again.

"Yeah, yeah. Just lost my balance I guess." I sighed. Maybe this was a bad omen. If indeed it was, it wouldn't stop me from persisting him to continue, even if he took it as a bad sign too and decided to stop.

He tugged on my elbow and pulled it through his. My breathing hitched and all the color in my face drained. I probably looked like I had seen a ghost.

Edward, noticing my appearance quickly explained his actions. "Well I can't have you falling all over the place while I'm talking. You probably won't be as lucky next time and I'll just let you drop…" He trailed off, faint amusement starting to sparkle in his eyes.

Scratch what I had said before. He _must _be bipolar. I was too far gone though to be insulted by his comment, or worried for that matter. I'd just have to look at the ground, and listen to Edward, for he would explain his story, while simultaneously steering me clear of people.

I nodded in response, urging him with my eyes to continue.

As soon as he turned away from my gaze the light mood disappeared just as quickly as it came about. He hesitated a few times, probably deciding where to begin. I waited patiently, not having a clue as to what was to come.

"I'm not from New York originally you know." He started, turning his eyes to mine. "I was born and raised in Chicago actually. I've been stationary in New York City though, for the past 6 months. My uh- mother developed a… heart disease called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy a couple of years ago. It was mostly genetics in her case as the main cause, though not much is known about the _absolute _cause in most cases. She was asymptomatic for the longest time. In fact we only found out of her condition after a routine medical exam." He paused and stopped mid stride looking at the ground.

I could tell from the way that his eye brow furrowed and his mouth turned into a deep set frown that this story wasn't going to end well. My heart tugged for him and I hadn't even heard the whole story yet. I decided that maybe we both needed to sit down in order to finish the story. I slid my arm down and placed my hand into Edward's, loving the feeling of it against mine once again. He didn't look up. He just frowned at the carpet below us.

"Come on, we should sit down." I offered quietly while leading us to a pair of seats at some random gate that was nearest to us.

It was scarcely populated, except for a few McDonald's staff watching the news on their break, looking bored. Edward sighed and followed my lead, staring intently at our hands with an unreadable expression upon his face. As soon as we were seated I gave his hand a tight squeeze of reassurance and placed it on his lap. I folded my hands together and looked up to Edward.

He was looking at the floor again, his eyes distant, probably relieving some memory. From the looks of it, it wasn't good.

"Things got bad after that." He said gravely. "They put her on the necessary treatments and assured us that things would get better, that the goal of said treatments was to control the symptoms and prevent complications. Which they did for a while, but then she got sick. And this time it wasn't her heart." His voice broke on the last part and I put my hand on his impulsively squeezing it sympathetically.

"She got a serious case of pneumonia and it didn't do much for her already ill heart. We moved to New York then to be in closer proximity with her family. I dropped out of college, figuring I'd pick it back up when things got better, people do it all the time really." He trailed off.

I understood completely. It would just be too hard to continue classes when your entire family was on the east coast caring for your sick mom. And it would be too hard to continue otherwise with the constant distraction. Poor Edward.

"The doctors had her hospitalized when her condition worsened and put her on treatments for both conditions." He paused and pulled his hand out from under mine.

"That's when I started doing," He paused and swallowed. "heroin. It just came to be too much for me. The pain I felt going in to see my mom in her sickened state each and every day, knowing there was nothing I could do. And she just got worse. The pneumonia weakened her heart substantially, and it was obvious she needed a transplant when her body was unresponsive to other treatments due to their mild doses."

He ran his hand through his hair. "When I first started I did it to relieve stress, to numb the God damn pain I felt. It was selfish, and immature, but at the time I was beyond logical. And just trying to live day by day in the only way I knew how, in the way I had taught myself to. I'm a weak and selfish person, Bella. I want you to understand that." He stated firmly looking into my eyes.

The whole time I kept thinking, poor Edward. I hadn't once judged his drug use. In fact it barely bothered me at all. I was too caught up in the whole lot to see things from a logical stand point, kind of like Edward had been when this all happened. This changed my opinion of him now though. I had sympathy for him, more sympathy then I could ever offer everyone else. Everything that had happened this morning was forgotten, for there was nothing to forgive.

When he had told me to understand that he was a weak and selfish person I nodded my head vehemently, not agreeing with him in the least, but urging him to continue. Edward must see himself differently. Because all I saw was a young man going through a very difficult time and making a decision to deal with it in a very personal way. Sure, he could have done things differently and more productively, but until you are in that person's shoes and have walked around for a while, you will never truly understand them.

"She wasn't on the waiting list for a donor long. Her time was up about 3 and a half months after she was placed." He continued, eyes glistening with unshed tears. He looked up to the light to order them back into the depths of green.

"By that time, I was out of control. I'd nearly OD'd twice, but had been rooming with a few people that had stopped me. My father and I rarely spoke after the funeral. I had a feeling that he knew what was going on with me, but didn't say as not to upset my… mom during her last moments. He wasn't mad at me, and I wasn't mad at him. But neither of us wanted to turn to each other for comfort, we really didn't know how…" Edward looked down onto his lap where his hands started clenching into fists. He shook his head.

"I was so stupid, Bella. I should've stopped but I was too far gone to care for help. I stuck to heroin though, because it was all I'd ever wanted to do in the first place. I was still sane enough to know that doing other things weren't going to do anything for the pain I was constantly feeling. But I wasn't smart enough to know that weaning myself off of my addiction would _help _with the pain."

"My dad and I rarely spoke, he, not wanting to confront me, and I not wanting to admit my addiction. He still funded me though, with enough money to room in a shitty apartment and spend a crap load on drugs. I think he knew that I was doing something. I don't think it ever occurred to him though, just _how much _I was doing." He paused and looked at a passing father and son.

What a coincidence. This pair looked pretty content in each other's company talking about random things from baseball to what's for Christmas. As soon as they were out of hearing range Edward started again.

"In the few times I did speak to my father, I'd tell him that I was sorry. He'd just say 'I know son, I know.'"

Edward looked up now, with a stone cold expression. He spoke in a dead tone.

"I started stealing from my dealer, James who roomed with me. I'd never deal any of it to make a profit. I'd just stash it for a rainy day, which occurred often." He let out a laugh without humor. "Even under those circumstances, that was yet another example of my selfishness.

I glared at him. Thank God he never became dealer, as of now anyway.

"A couple of my other roommates had however taken some from me, the type stolen from James, and sold it for their own profit. Word got out and he became furious, as any dealer would."

He paused and stared down at his hands, picking at a finger nail absently as he continued.

"James was heavier into the drug world than I, Bella. He'd try new things just for the hell of it." Edward's fists seemed to clench reflexively. "He killed my father after someone had told him that I was cheating him. He just followed him home from work one day and killed him."

I had tears streaming down my face now as I pulled Edward in for the biggest hug I had ever given in my life! I sobbed for Edward, since he seemed to be immune to free flowing tears. I pulled him closer and closer and tugged on his jacket and stroked the back of his head. Edward had been through so much! And the guilt he must feel, it must be overwhelming.

He hugged me back just as fiercely, no reluctance apparent in his current physical actions at the moment.

"Edward I am so sorry." I whispered in between sobs. I continued whispering sorry's into his ear until I pulled away to rest my head on his chest.

He rested his head atop my head and breathed deeply.

"Please don't feel sorry for me, Bella. It's my fault, you should be furious with me." He whispered.

I sniffled violently. "God no, Edward! I'm not furious and nothing you've done or could do would make me that way. Edward, what happened to you was awful. And no matter how much you think you deserve my hatred you're not going to get it. God, Edward I'm so sorry." I said exasperated between broken sobs.

After everything that Edward had gone through I could only imagine what he pictured himself as now, a monster. And I bet many other people would see that too, but I didn't. I saw so much more than that. Edward wasn't a monster, he just wasn't! He never killed anyone. And no matter how much he wanted to blame himself for his father's death, and no matter how the chips fell, Edward didn't _kill _anyone.

He'd never wanted for any of this to happen. He didn't plan for his mother to get sick and his world to turn upside down. He was so helpless during her last months alive that he felt the only thing he could turn to was drugs. People may not agree with it, but they don't have to. They didn't matter anyway.

Edward was a lost soul with no where to go. He did the heroin to fix his own problem, ease the awful pain he must've gone through. Once he became addicted though, he couldn't be stopped, not without outside help, which he wasn't getting.

Right then and there I laid out my top priorities. I would help Edward come to terms with his addiction. I would help him accept that he didn't kill his father, and I would help him find himself along the way. For the real Edward was lost long ago.

I moved in Edwards grasp and looked up to him and stared into his eyes fiercely.

"Edward, I'm going to help you." I told him firmly.

He stared at me in sadness and incredulity. "How- How are you still here, and yet you want to help me? Bella, can't you see what I've done?" He asked quietly.

He ducked his head in shame. This was going to be tough. I'd have to anticipate all the obstacles along the way. Edward was very messed up, I mean _really _messed up. And fixing him would most likely be the biggest feat in my life, if it is to be accomplished.

"I've seen what you've done, Edward. And the faults you have don't matter to me, they just don't! I told you before that I wasn't going to judge you. What made you think I'd go back on my word?" I questioned, now slightly offended, but mostly just worried for Edward's well being.

He sighed and looked to the passing crowd. "This is pretty heavy stuff, Bella. Normal people wouldn't be able to handle it." He explained cautiously.

"Yeah, well I'm not 'Normal People' then." I said using my hand animatedly. "But I think if you gave more people a chance, they'd understand. There is _some _good in the world you know. Not a lot, maybe the analogy of salt water to freshwater would be bad to good, so that's about three percent of the entire population. Just think about it, though." I explained.

Just then something occurred to me and my eyes widen as the thought ran through my head and out through my lips. "Have you talked to your other family yet?" I questioned.

Edward stiffened beside me, straightening up from his previous position. I could tell he was battling something in his head for his expression was suddenly livid.

He shook his head violently. "I don't think it's the greatest idea. Ever since my mother passed my father and I sort of split off from her side. And after he went, well, his side wasn't typically unpleasant, but they weren't friendly either. I know it was just the sake of respect for him though, the funeral. But I couldn't ask them to understand, Bella. It's too much for both of us."

I nodded respectfully. I could see how terrified Edward was, deep down of his relatives. His eyes had widened too. I wouldn't push it now, but if time allotted, and our relationship progressed I would bring it up again. In order for him to effectively move on, no more skeletons, he would need to make amends with them.

We sat for a few moments in silence. I was contemplating everything that had just happened, replaying certain things he said in my head. I was also trying to figure out how this would affect my future. Before, it was just me and Alice, my book, and _shudder_, Rob. But what Edward had shared with me today, well that sort of signed me onto him. I would make him a part of my future now, voluntarily. I had learned so much about the present Edward, and how he got this way, but I had never really learned who he was as a person before all this ugliness had happened. So with only the basic foundation of his past, which probably had nothing in common with his true personality, I was _willingly_ taking on his problems. I didn't care how crazy this sounded to an outsider. They hadn't a clue about the certain connection I was beginning to feel with Edward. It was the kind you couldn't walk away from.

The sound of a woman over the loudspeaker calling out names to people who were missing a flight to Las Vegas brought me out of my daze. I glanced at my phone and decided that we should head towards Concourse B for there was nothing really of interest here at this end of the airport.

"Should we start heading for our gate?" I asked, my voice making Edward jump, probably knocking him out of some daydream.

I smiled at him reassuringly. He looked back at me seriously, and nodded. Then he slipped his hand into mine, where we seemed to link together perfectly. I squeezed his hand tight to let him know that this kind of contact was just fine with me. It was more than just fine but… perfect.

As we began the journey I realized I never found out what was bringing him to Seattle, and if he was staying or just making another stop in course to a different location. Horrified, I asked him.

"What brings you to Seattle, or wherever your final destination is?"

He shrugged. "I'm going to Seattle to start over, I guess. I need a new place, far away from anything that could bring back memories."

He then went on to explain how his parent's will had been set up to give him half of their net worth at the age of 22, and the other half at the completion of college or age 30. Since he was 24 now he and completed the traditional 4 year college (though was going for his masters when his mother fell ill) he received it all. He said his main goal is to spend it only on things his parents would approve of.

"Which of course means no, heroin, but I can't quit just like that. I need a certain program to follow, and time. I'll buy it as the amount is needed." He stated seriously.

I wondered how he could even look at heroin after all this time, after all the things it had cost him. But I suppose, I wasn't looking at it from a drug addict's perspective. After some deliberation, I understood. It was a physical addiction just as much as it once was emotional for him.

There was still one question though, among many others of course, that had gone unanswered. Since this one was lighter than the others, and probably had a shorter answer I decided to ask it first and foremost to the more important questions.

"Edward? How exactly did you do this" I asked while lifting our hands from our sides. "to your knuckles?"

**All I can say for this chapter is, Edward has no one left. He's alone and desperate, fearful and insecure. He's been through heaps of emotional trauma, and still, all he wants is to get better. Sometimes when people are in crazy situations, they do crazy things. That whole confession is one of them.  
**


	5. Addiction

**A big thanks to all who have read and/or reviewed this story. Even if you don't review you deserve praise. :)))))  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY**

To my surprise, Edward bit his lip and he had a sheepish look on his face. He faced his knuckles and looked at them curiously, scanning every inch. Then he turned to me.

"To be honest, I don't remember…" He said thoughtfully.

What? How could he not remember _that_? I'm sure there was probably a minor fracture of some sort, and swelling, which equals _a lot_ of pain. How scary would it be to wake up one morning and have that lovely feeling?

I narrowed my eyes. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged, not meeting my gaze. "It happens, you get high and your mental functions become clouded. Heroin kills your brain cells, Bella. It might come back to me, it might not. I'm just as confused as you are." He explained.

I stopped walking and stared up at him, not knowing what expression was apparent on my face. The reality of everything hit me like a semi.

"You need to stop, Edward."

He scoffed. "No dur, Bella."

I glared at him. "You have to take this seriously. As soon as we get to Seattle you need to stop."

He glared right back. His was a bit more impressive than mine. _Sigh. _"It's not that easy." He spoke in a controlled tone.

"No shit, Edward! Who said it would be? It's going to be the hardest thing that you will ever do in your entire life! And even after you get through the hard part, it's going to be a struggle that you will battle every day for the rest of your existence. So don't waste time, do it asap or it'll just get worse. Ha." I paused as something just occurred to me. "As of now, I'm probably the worst thing for drugged up Edward to come across." I put my hand on my chin in thought.

Edward watched me curiously.

When I set my mind to something, I did it. And I kicked its ass along the way. But I've only done that like twice in my life, once for some impossible midterm in college. The other time was getting my book published. But they had boosted my confidence somewhat. As for the other half that was self conscious, I'd just have to put on an act for Edward.

"Or the best thing…" Edward mumbled looking down to the ground.

Well I suppose it depended on the way you looked at life. The fact that Edward was _currently _positive would probably come in handy for the future.

I smiled and grabbed his hand, trying to forget the ugly mood. "Come on."

We had to take the Transit System for it was the only way to get to concourses B and C. As soon as we approached it we were greeted by silly music of some sort which transitioned into a voice warning us to stay clear of the doors.

Inside Edward and I still held hands. We were the first ones on which granted us the privilege of having a wall of railing all to ourselves.

In a little amount of time we were all packed in like sardines. But hey there was a plus to this. Edward and I were side by side, shoulders up against each other tightly. I had the sudden urge to wrap my arm around his waist and rest my head upon his shoulder, and was fighting it like there was no tomorrow. I probably looked like I had tourettes, what with the sporadic twitching. Ever since Edward had dropped my hand for balance reasons (though I doubt he really needed the railing) I didn't feel right.

The railing for me on the other hand, was a necessity.

The ride was a bit uneventful, though it was fun to watch people who thought they were too cool to hold the railing sway slightly, and then be jerked into some random stranger. Needless to say I almost cut my lip from biting down on it so hard to keep from laughing. The ride was too silent, and if my laughter would have broken it, well I don't know what I would have done.

Edward looked down at me inquisitively. "What's so funny?"

I shook my hand in his direction frantically to dismiss it.

For if I would have let the pressure off of my lip I would have broken down. A peculiar looking man that dressed a little too preppy had fallen onto another man. Needless to say their confrontation was so awkward I had to think about boiling puppies to keep from laughing.

Once we were out I let out a sigh of relief which turned to awe as we marked our entrance to Concourse B. What a fascinating structure this was. It looked like a lot of effort was put into it, but the layout was simple enough. Just stained glass sprawled across the towering beams. I had to look away though because we were approaching the moving sidewalk. I hated these things.

I wanted, no probably needed to take Edward's hand but he hadn't made any motion for contact since the Transit. I wouldn't push him to though. All the other times I had taken his hand he'd probably thought it was for comforting purposes, which was in part true. But I also took it because I found myself addicted to the feel of his skin against mine, even in the simplest way. The electric shock that went through us was like nothing I'd ever felt before.

Edward's reluctance was just another dose of reality really, the reality of the fact that he was an addict, and that he had lost both of his parents in a way that reeked of bad karma. He took the drugs to ease the pain, when in the end, it didn't help his mother's situation one bit, and it obviously took his father. But that's life. And for Edward, it sucks hard balls of play doe!

He shouldn't cease to live life though, and just continue existing in self hate and pity and depression and anger. He would have to find a way to accept it, and move on. That was the only way to continue _being_. Of course this was all easier said than done.

Once we were off the moving sidewalk Edward spoke. "What are you thinking about?" He asked as his brow furrowed.

I sighed. "Many things."

"Like?" He persisted.

I scoffed and arched one eye brow while facing him. "In summary," I began as my expression softened under his serious one. "They all center around you."

There. The truth without giving too much away.

He frowned at that, maybe because he was worrying what the thoughts consisted of, or maybe because he didn't want me thinking of him this much. I wouldn't make an effort to find out though. Trying to make sense of the inner workings of his mind would be similar to explaining the _why _part of Newton's Law of Gravity.

We stopped at the wall of screens displaying the numerous flights. Ours was on time, and we had about an hour and half left until the actual boarding started. Reality hit me again with the force of two semis carrying windmill blades.

How would my current life collide with Edward? Alice, Rob, my book, my career. It wouldn't be put on hold or hiatus, it would just be disrupted I guess, out of balance for a while.

I wondered briefly how Alice would take this. She was never one to judge, a trait that I loved about her so dearly. She'd most likely be taken a back, but supportive. I hoped for the latter, still not quite positive in my predictions.

Edward was lucky (didn't think that Edward and lucky could fit in a sentence together). He was starting fresh. I had a life separate from him though, that couldn't be left behind. This new Edward version had only started a few hours ago. A few hours ago! But it was enough. Edward was more than enough. He was worth it.

I had seen a glimpse into his soul this morning, and I didn't stand a chance of turning back and forgetting it happened. He was like the gravity holding me into place now. I couldn't walk away without being pulled back into him.

Impulsively I grabbed his hand, twisted our fingers together and leaned against his shoulder lightly. I immediately felt relaxed. Edward stiffened slightly.

He was a few good inches taller than me. So I had to look up when I spoke.

"Don't hold back from me anymore." I told him seriously.

It was part of my plan. In order for Edward to come to terms with his problems he needed to open up completely. He had to let someone in emotionally or he was as good as dead. I figured it would be easier for him to be open with me, rather than some stranger therapist.

He looked at me amused. "You're really random you know that?" He said while squeezing my hand gently.

I reached over with my other arm to tug his. "Edward, you have to take this seriously." I whined while looking up at him through my lashes, suddenly wishing I bothered to put on mascara this morning.

He nodded solemnly.

Then he turned away and opened his mouth to speak when my ringtone sounded a hyper classical tune that warned of Alice. I flipped it open without checking the caller id.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bella. How's it going?" Alice questioned routinely.

I glanced at Edward from the corner of my eye, and then pursed my lips. "Good. My flight's still on time."

I decided to put off telling Alice about Edward right away. It would be a little weird to tell her about it over the phone. A formal meeting was required for this type of situation.

"That's great! I can't wait to have you back. We should watch a bunch of chick flicks and stuff ourselves senseless with junk food!" Alice suggested excitedly.

"Really, Alice. Are you and Jasper having problems?" I questioned, though knowing the sheer impossibility of that, on the surface Jasper and Alice where the perfect couple, beneath that, they were perfect too.

How nice it must be to have your other half so early on.

"No silly. Think of it as junior high! Our little homecoming party for you since I know you don't like full blow out ones." I could almost here the tap on her chin as she thought back to me and my _few _experiences at parties.

They weren't ones that I chose to relive.

"Ha. That actually sounds like fun. Thanks Alice." She was such a great friend.

"No problem! So, The Notebook is definite, then maybe A Walk to Remember, Titanic. Oh my gosh it'll be so much fun! You shouldn't have a problem staying up late, what with the time difference. And all that I'll need is a few red bulls and I'll be good to go!" She said that all in one breath.

And I pondered for a wild moment how she would do as an opera singer.

I sighed a laugh. "Okay, Alice. I'll let you go though. See you soon."

"Kay, lylas!" She peeped.

"What?" What the hell was "lylas"?

"Love you like a sister!" She was laughing now. "Rosalie taught me it once. I guess it stuck to me."

Rosalie was one of Alice's good friends. I don't know why but she and I never bonded. Too be honest, she intimidated me.

"Oh well, lylas too." The word fell awkwardly from my lips.

I snapped my phone shut. "That was Alice, my roommate and best friend." I answered the silent question Edward probably had hopes of asking.

He nodded. "I see."

We reached our gate and quite a few seats were open. It was slightly filled though for another plane was departing from this gate in just a few minutes.

I sighed and took a seat, dragging Edward along with me. I still held his hand.

"Let's prioritize, my friend."

Edward sighed irritated. "We don't have to do this now."

I shook my head. "Yes we do. The sooner the better. The more prepared the better." I spoke firmly.

Edward was stubborn. This much was true. But he was also a heroin addict. He'd just have to answer my questions anyway.

"Approximately how long have you been on it?" I questioned while my knee bounced up and down impatiently.

Edward took on a serious look for a moment, and then answered. "A little over 4 months."

I nodded. "How were your needles?"

The question of course pertained to his endangerment of contracting Hepatitis C, HIV, and other infectious diseases.

He grimaced. "Believe it or not they were clean. I never ever shared them with anyone. And I always disposed of the used. Sanity told me that I didn't want to go because of Hepatitis." He explained uncomfortably.

Relief washed over me. That was our one strand of luck in this whole shebang.

I stoked his hand reassuringly. "That's a good thing, Edward. One less worry. We'll get you checked out for safe measure though."

He nodded curtly.

My knee started bouncing again. "Now, I need you to be completely honest with me. How much do you want to quit? If you go to rehab reluctantly, you're a thousand times more likely to relapse and start the whole thing over again."

This was very important. I wanted Edward to say yes. And if his answer was no then I wanted him to lie to me. He needed to get help fast. The risks attached to long term heroin use were downright fatal… and nasty at that. Edward's only hope of being successful was wanting to stop for himself.

He sighed. "A small part of me has been screaming for me to stop ever since I started. I think a lot of people experience that. And even though that part grew significantly over the course of my mother's illness and beyond, I couldn't stop." He paused and then turned to look me dead in the eyes. "I want to stop now, more than anything. It's all I want."

"Things really have changed since I met you, you know. I left today for Seattle with zero hope in being able to stop, but deciding to give it a try anyways. But you-" He paused biting his lip again and looking so cute. "You've given me," He shrugged. "Hope."

"And now that I have it. I want nothing more than to kick this immature addiction and begin a different life, though I may not deserve it. I _believe _my parents would want me to be happy."

And that my friends was Edward opening up, for the second time today. Probably a new record for him.

"I assure you that your parents would want you to be happy, Edward." I smiled at him sympathetically.

"And I'm quite flattered, honestly, that I had an affect on your choice to quit." I said while staring down at my lap blushing and remembering how I didn't take compliments well.

He laughed lightly while rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah, I was afraid to admit that. I'm glad I did though. It makes it more genuine having it out in the open." He confessed.

Edward was really sweet when he wanted to be.

"This is a good start, Edward. It takes most addicts years to get to this point of acceptance and wanting to get clean."

I hoped that he was 100 percent into this. Because if he wasn't there was a good chance the next few years of his life would be a living hell. Whether he relapsed and continued down that death path, or was in and out of rehab going through withdrawal periods only to bounce back to heroin. If he was smart, he'd only have to do this once. Of course he'd battle the addiction for the rest of his life, but in a cleaner state.

"I know that. I just hope that I can keep it up." He whispered.

"It's all up to you. I can't make that decision, but I hope I can influence it some." I answered him softly.

He smiled at me, though it didn't reach his eyes.

I took that as assurance that I influenced it greatly, but I could see the self doubt in his eyes. Building his confidence would take time.

"So you agree, it's better to do this sooner rather than later?" I asked him.

I knew it was better to get it over as soon as possible, and Edward knew that too. But it was all a matter of wanting. He said he wanted to kick it, but he didn't specify when…

He sighed. "I agree. But the thing is what I want now and what I'll want once withdrawal starts are two very different things. That's often time where people lose the want to quit and regain the need to relapse. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to resist."

I shook my head ruefully. "I know, Edward. But waiting isn't going to make things any better. It'll just make it worse. Better strike while the iron's hot. And I'll be there for you however I can, know that." I told him firmly.

Of course it would be difficult to resist temptation. And I've heard withdrawal was like hell on earth for its peak days. But it has to be done. The sad part is, once it's finished some people still feel the need for the drug months after they've quit. I believe Edward will be strong enough though. He should use his past trials as fuel to get better, and to keep healthy.

He nodded and squeezed my hand.

"So, rehab, as soon as you can?" I asked, hope and wistfulness apparent in my tone.

"Yes." He answered while nodding slowly, deliberately.

"Good."

**Thanks again. :DDDDD  
**


	6. Self Centered

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY.**

"What the fuck are you doing, Bella?" Edward cried exasperated.

Well sheesh. I didn't think I was being that suspicious, though I suppose the tuneless humming gave me away. I _was_ trying to find a replacement leather jacket for Edward. Surprisingly enough the tourist trap of a store we found had a great selection, though a bit on the pricy side, I didn't care. This didn't help my case though.

I sighed. "Are you sure you don't want a new leather jacket?"

Edward glared. "Fuck no, Bella. Put it back."

I was a little taken aback by the harshness of his tone. I was going to buy it more as a joke, and if he took it, great, but apparently he didn't get it.

His expression turned guilty as his tenor was lighter when he spoke. "Please, Bella."

He raised his gorgeous eyebrows at me expectantly. I nodded and silently put the jacket back.

I walked out of the store wordlessly. Edward followed. He sighed and put his hand on the back of his head.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you in there, just getting a little irritable." He stated repentantly while fidgeting slightly in his step.

Oh. Realization dawned on me and I automatically felt really stupid for feeling bad in the first place. Edward probably hadn't had a fix in a while.

"It's okay." I said lightly while trying to figure out a subject change.

I doubt it would do any good to bring up the word heroin for many reasons, so I didn't bother to ask exactly how long it had been since he last got high.

Edward and I continued to walk through the terminal. Every once in a while he'd spot some idiot making a fool of themselves and point them out to me, leaning down giving me a whiff of his sweet scent. I'd laugh nervously along with him.

Each time though I was always in awe of his musical chortle. I'd miss it a lot. The worst part was I couldn't be sure if I'd hear it again after all was said and done. I'd have to make him laugh a lot today. Easy enough, most people got a kick out of my clumsiness.

"Tell me about yourself, Bella." Edward said quietly and out of the blue while we were making our third circle around the shopping district. Neither of us had tired yet.

I turned to him confused with one eyebrow raised. "What would you like to know?" I asked with a hint of suspicion in my tone.

I suppose after all that I had learned about Edward, he deserved to know some about me. That's the way these things were supposed to work. I hadn't been in a relationship like this though, ever.

He smiled. "Everything."

I frowned. "Why?"

Edward's face fell slightly. "I would like to know a thing or two about the girl who is willingly taking on a complete stranger's _many_ problems."

I shrugged and looked away. "I'm not that fascinating, really."

Edward disagreed. "What you're doing is pretty fascinating."

What I was doing. I was helping someone I just met overcome his heroin addiction, hopefully come to terms with his parents' deaths, and hopefully help him find himself along the way. Quite the work load. And I was willingly taking it. But I still couldn't bring myself to think me amazing, or _fascinating_. If you looked at my reasons for doing it they were far from anything brilliant.

We just both happened to be in the right place at the right time.

_If_ Edward and I never met, Edward would most likely still _try_ rehab. But in that state of mind, and with no one to turn to, it could almost be guaranteed he wouldn't get far. Most people enter rehab at force from loved ones, because it's hurting them almost as much as the drug addict themselves. But what if you didn't have anyone trying to force your hand? What if you didn't have anyone waiting for you once you got out? There would be no push, no extra strength to get better for Edward. The will to get healthy simply to _be_ healthy means little to addicts in his mental state.

So the choice was clear. Edward needed someone, and not just anyone but a person with the capacity and patience to deal with his problems. And promise to be there for him while he was there, and once he got out, no matter what the outcome.

I would do that for Edward, because I was willingly obligated to this man now.

I looked up at him from under my eyelashes. Not on purpose, it just happened. He's quite taller than I.

Edward audibly took in air, and had an unreadable expression on his face. His eyes seemed peculiarly glazed over.

I looked down and blushed. What did I do? "What?" I asked quietly.

Out of my peripheral vision Edward shook his head, floating back down from whatever cloud he was on.

"Nothing." He said quickly, too quickly. "I'd like to get to know you, now."

I smiled and sighed. "Where do I start? Shall I bore you with the details of my pre book life or tire you with the post book ones?" I asked looking anywhere but to the eyes of Edward Cullen. That was how I divided my life up.

"I highly doubt the chance of you boring me. Just give me a brief overview of everything. If I have questions I'll persist otherwise." Edward plotted.

It was making me a tad uncomfortable to have someone of Edward's physique seemingly interested in what I had to say. But I was fretting for nothing. It was obvious that Edward had nothing on me. He had the king of all stories. Mine was peasant like, all boring and predictable.

"Um, I was born in Forks, Washington and lived there till I turned fifteen. My mother and I moved to California after that. For different reasons, though my parents divorce had a lot to do with it. I um, graduated and went to Berkley, majored in psychology, and during my senior year wrote my book. About a year or so went by and it was, to my surprise, published. I didn't pursue greatly into a career of psychiatry because of that. I'm sure one day it'll get back to me though." I said all this while nodding off the list of important details.

Edward had his eyes on me the entire time, patiently listening to me drone on. I was to chicken to look up at him though.

"Go on." He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I opened my mouth to speak but shut it.

Edward noted my struggle. "Go into specifics." He said simply.

I side glanced at him and immediately regretted it. The polite expression and intense eyes made me blush furiously for some reason. I bit my lip in surprise and turned away.

Edward breathed a lovely laugh. "What's wrong, Bella?" He asked dumfounded at my expression.

"Do you want to head back to the gate?" I asked, skirting around his question.

He raised his eyebrows but nodded. "Okay."

I sighed and picked up my pace towards the gate. Edward caught up quickly, and more gracefully. His steps had their own rhythm while mine went from pigeon toed to wide stepped every few feet. I stared down my uncoordinated pattern in wonder. Just then Edward grabbed my arm and gently yanked me out of the way of something. I looked at the thing I had just dodged. A wall. What else?

I let out a nervous giggle. "Thanks."

Edward smiled politely and let go of my arm.

Once we arrived at our gate I led us to a pair of seats nearest the window. The light shining through was bright thanks to the snow dusted runway. I didn't think it would snow this early into winter. Edward sat down beside me and relaxed in his seat.

"Tell me more about yourself, go in to specifics." He ordered with his eyes closed.

He looked so tired, the dark circles under his eyes more pronounced now. But beyond all of the scruff and sickly colors was a beautiful man. I randomly thought Edward would be a wonderful model, for he could pull off beauty even while he was drugged up. Since most of the modeling world was into coke or heroin anyway he would probably fit in just fine. I shook my head clear of the thoughts and turned away reluctantly before he could catch me staring.

I cleared my throat. "I'm a natural brunette." It was the first thing that came to mind so I just went with the flow.

Edward smiled but didn't open his eyes. "Nice to know." He said teasingly.

Well he wanted specifics.

"Full name is Isabella Marie Swan, Bella Swan is my penname" I continued casually, mimicking Edward's laid back position in my own seat.

I normally _hated_ talking about myself, and all aspects surrounding it. And you'd think that I'd completely dread speaking these details with Edward. But he hadn't made a big deal about any of them yet. He just looked on with polite courtesy. So I found it easier to confide in him.

Edward nodded slowly willing me to continue silently.

"I've never had a single cavity." I declared proudly. Not many people could say that of themselves these days.

Edward laughter broke through the silent hum of voices around us. He opened his eyes and tilted his head towards mine.

"Nice." He said sarcastically.

"I drive a black Pontiac Grand Prix with black leather interior." I said simply.

I got the vibe that Edward was enjoying these simple facts. He rested his head back again and closed his eyes. Every once in a while a smile would play on his lips at my comments. He was so gorgeous even with his eyes closed and not an ounce of try exuding from him. I wish I had that talent. Then again I didn't really want the attention, so scratch that.

"The first thing I spent my huge paycheck on from my book was a vacation for my mother and her new husband Phil." I said matter-o-factly.

Edward's eyes shot open and he turned his body to me. "Really?" His expression was amused but still a bit incredulous.

I grinned at his expression. "The next thing I purchased was a guitar previously used and owned by Kurt Cobain." I said sheepishly.

Edward beamed in amazement.

He laughed. "That's crazy! You've got to let me see it!" He plead quickly.

I was surprised, most people were a bit repulsed by my actions, spending so much money on a guitar that I didn't have a clue how to play. I of course knew it was completely worth it! But I rarely came across a soul who had understood. Not many of my friends had been Nirvana fans. Schmucks.

"Of course." I said brightly.

Edward's smile widened and my heart quickened its beat at his brilliance. "God, that is so cool."

I breathed a laugh. Edward began digging in his pockets. I looked onto his figure curiously.

"I have to see if we're as musically compatible as it seems." Edward stated as he whipped out his scratched ipod.

I smiled and followed by taking out my own ipod. I was a tad bit worried though. My music collection was completely and utterly _random_. I didn't just listen to nineties grunge rock, though don't get me wrong I loved it. I had a lot of modern alternative songs, and some random classics and a few albums from the eighties. What would it say about us if we _weren't_ musically compatible? Better yet, what if we were?

Edward handed me his ipod while I handed him mine. I realized then that this probably meant he had respected my privacy earlier, and didn't scour my music library. I suddenly felt really immature for even thinking about it in the first place.

I turned it on. The screen had a funny tint to it, probably from the screen damage. I stifled a giggle while I wondered how exactly that came about.

I decided to go for genre first. As soon as it was open I selected alternative. The list was shockingly similar to mine. Let's see here, Ash (random but I had a bit of them too), Coldplay…

I jumped and turned to Edward. "You like Coldplay?" I asked.

He didn't turn to me. He was too deep in my own ipod library. "As do you, 'X&Y', 'Viva La Vida'." He turned to me and smiled. "Nice."

I laughed and turned back to his ipod eagerly. So far so good. Bush, The Clash, The Cure, The Ramones, very good. All of these bands had graced my own ipod. Muse, Nirvana, The Offspring, Radiohead. I couldn't help the huge smile that was now plastered on my face. It was just so awesome! I'd never met someone who seemed to be so in tune with my own musical choices. It was almost like it was meant to be. We had the same favorites of the artists too, it was crazy. I turned to Edward and put my hand on my heart sarcastically.

"My musical soul mate!" I said in a sing-songy voice.

Edward breathed a laugh and nodded.

I decided to take a peak at his other genres. Pop was empty, good. Though my own had Katy Perry in it. Her songs were catchy ok!

Quite surprisingly, Edward's classical genre was almost as filled as his alternative. A few I had heard of, but most of them were completely unfamiliar to me. My classical genre had about twelve total songs if I remembered correctly. Edward would probably be disappointed. At least the twelve songs I had were included in some way, shape or form on his ipod. I decided not to bring it up right away and switched to the rock genre. The Airborne Toxic Event, love them, Billy Idol. It was my turn to tease Edward.

"Billy Idol, eh?" I asked.

He smiled and turned to me. My breathing hitched as my stomach did flips. I scolded myself for my stupid reaction. He's beautiful, get used to it.

"I'm not ashamed if that's what you're getting at." He stated.

I laughed and turned back to his ipod to continue down the list. The Films, Something for Rockets, Sublime! That put me in an exceptionally good mood.

Edward and I finished our evaluation around the same time.

"Did I pass?" I asked routinely. Though my tone feigned confidence, I was far from being self-assured.

"A-plus." He said as my ipod was placed back in my hand.

I sighed relieved.

"A-plus plus!" I said as I gave him back his.

He grinned a crooked grin and I my heart sped up. I wanted to punch it for responding the way it did.

I wrapped my ipod back up and stashed it into my bag for later. I glanced at my phone for the time to see we had about a half hour left until boarding would start. I couldn't decide if time was going too slow or too fast, not a good place to be in, sort of disorienting.

Feeling relieved that Edward and I were 'musical soul mates' I decided to put our light moods to the test. I calculated that now was as good of time as ever to dig into Edward's pre heroin past. I wouldn't be too pushy. I'd let him tell me what he wanted to. Similar to what he did for me. I'd give him an outline of what I wanted to know and if he felt comfortable enough he could tell me.

"So Edward, tell me about yourself." I said.

Edward took a deep breath. "You already know me, Bella." Edward bowed his head solemnly.

"No, Edward, actually I don't. I know what you've been through, but I don't know anything about you in specifics. I can only draw so much from body language and mannerisms you know." I told him firmly.

I didn't want to have to explain to him again how whatever he had done had not negatively affected my view of him. But I suppose I'd have to make myself clear if he didn't give in right away due to his insecurities.

He didn't say anything, just picked at a fingernail again, what was left of it anyway, he looked like a nail biter. Just like me!

"What would you like to know?" He asked while not looking up from his nail.

"Just give me a brief overview of everything. If I have questions I'll persist otherwise." I repeated his orders from earlier, sounding professional with courteous detachment.

He smiled a bit and scratched his chin. His fancy words had backfired. That seemed to satisfy him enough though for he gave in.

"Born Edward Anthony Cullen in Chicago to Esme and Carlisle Cullen. I had a normal childhood, dad was a doctor, mom was an interior designer. I was a good student throughout High School and after I graduated I attended Northwestern and majored in music composition. I play the guitar a little but always focus on the piano. Everything was normal. As you know I was getting my masters when my mother fell ill." He finished turning to me most likely to assess if I was satisfied with his brief overview yet.

I wasn't. Although it was nice to know Edward had a normal childhood and succeeded in school, there were still a few mysteries.

"Go on." I pressed lightly.

Edward rolled his eyes.

"What else is there? I don't own a car, I've never owned a house. I can't cook worth a crap. I have a tattoo right here…" Edward pulled up his jacket to reveal a small tattoo across his right wrist. It said "Carpe Noctem"

I couldn't stifle the laugh that broke out. "Seriously Edward?" I asked accusingly.

Edward looked on to me annoyed and then turned to his tattoo and squinted. "Turns out I had a rebellious phase when I was a teen, decided to pull this stunt." He explained.

All hopes of sobering up diminished. I doubled over at the thought of pre heroin Edward being rebellious, or at least trying to be. He did it so wrong.

"That's really cute, though." I said after a few moments of laughter and a small epitome.

It was cute. It was the most harmful thing Edward could think of at the time, and yet it was so small in comparison to the ultimate rebellion.

He grimaced. "Glad you think so." He said after a few moments. He rolled his sleeve back down.

I liked Edward's little outburst of facts and I wanted for him to continue.

"Tell me more." I ordered eagerly. The lightness in my tone hopefully outweighed the demanding demeanor.

"No, Bella. You've heard enough for one day." He stated simply, sounding tired as he leaned back into his seat once more, drawing his eyes to a close.

Not wanting to push him I settled on asking him later.

"I've heard enough for _now_ but before our trip ends I hope to hear more." I said simply.

Edward sighed and it sounded tense. He kept his eyes shut though.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, Bella." Edward spoke a bit harshly.

I was a bit dumbfounded at this. "Why?" I asked.

"You know why." He retorted.

I sat back up from my relaxed position to get a better glance at Edward. He opened his eyes again but didn't make eye contact with me, just stared at nothing ahead of us.

"No I don't know why." I said.

Edward was always hot and cold. One minute he was yes, the next he was no. I was having a difficult time finding the exact reasons why, even with my knowledge of human behavior. Edward was apprehensive though, this much was true.

"Look at that couple over there, Bella." Edward said randomly while nodding for my gaze to follow his.

Indeed there was a couple at this gate some distance ahead of us. They were young and very pretty to look at. There was a blonde woman who was currently resting her head on the man's shoulder. He rested his head upon hers while they chatted. The moment seemed private and was emanating love from every angle. I was beginning to see where Edward was going with this, though I'd hope my instinct was false.

"We can't have that." He said in a final tone.

Nope, no such luck. Those four words unlocked many others, many thoughts and reasons behind Edward's sudden distant mood. What Edward obviously meant was we can't be normal. We can't date and be a happy go lucky couple. Edward apparently felt he was the reason for this. And right now he was. Not because of his heroin addiction or his self image but because he was holding back. He felt he needed to.

"Edward, I…" I didn't know how to console him and tell him that it didn't matter to me.

I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship with Edward right now. I was only looking to help him. But, I must admit, if the circumstances had been different and Edward was clean and I was, well me, I wouldn't have pursued him. And I doubt he would have pursued me. Edward was obviously _way_ out of my league. So I wouldn't be breaking the ice there. And again, if the circumstances would have been different, Edward would most likely already have a piece of ass to go home to. End of story.

But in this life and world, Edward and I had found each other, and out of a stranger's perils, brought out the fraternity of he and I. I can butcher my favorite quote in my own thoughts ok!

Edward put up a hand to stop me from continuing. "Neither one of us should be getting attached right now." He stated again in a firm and detached tone.

I shook my head in disagreement. "It's too late, Edward. Don't do this now. Don't push me away." I protested.

"I'm not pushing you away. I'm just stopping this before we get too deep." He argued.

I frowned. "Okay I get it, Edward. You don't want me to get hurt, but seriously, I'm in. And you can't stop what's already become of us. Even though we haven't known each other long, you can't simply cover up the, not to sound cheesy, but connection that we've formed." I spoke quickly to get my point across and on the table.

Edward was shaking his head stubbornly before I had finished.

Then his face wrinkled in disgust. My heart sank a little. "I shouldn't have let it get this far." He murmured quietly, almost to himself.

There he goes with his stupid protective side again!

I was the one shaking my head this time. "Edward, this, I don't know, friendship between us was going to happen no matter what. The second you told me-" I was cut off.

"I mean I shouldn't have even told you _that_. I shouldn't have pulled you into this." He frowned again and rubbed his chin in thought. "I should've left you alone." He said softly.

God, how could he be saying this? If he hadn't of told me, I wouldn't have the slightest clue of what his problem was, therefore I wouldn't be able to put forth compassion and help him.

"If I wasn't here, what would become of you?" I asked him seriously, dipping my head to his level and leaning into him slightly. I managed to control my body's reaction to his enticing scent.

I already had a vague idea of what would happen to him. I wanted to hear his response though.

Edward stayed planted. "It doesn't matter. Don't worry about that." He said irritated.

Amazing, he'd thought I'd just brush it off like that.

I frowned but kept my eyes locked with his. "Don't talk like that, Edward." I said a bit harshly. Well the situation called for it.

Then I could feel my eyes becoming heated. I knew immediately it was a mixture of traitor tears and tears of sadness.

Even though Edward was a mild bipolar inflicted man, and a heroin addict who viewed himself as a monster, I still saw more than that. Like the fact that right now, Edward was attempting to keep me out for me, _for me!_ He was so lost that he could care less about what happened to him, all that worried him at the moment was how I was affected by all of this. This was so ridiculous yet heartbreaking at the same time. Edward _was_ courageous, and even though he thought differently, selfless. He, like I, was already willing to make sacrifices for someone he just met.

This was serious stuff.

A few tears escaped me. I frowned.

He leaned forward in his seat till his face was just inches from mine. I could feel his breath on my face. It was very pleasant and was starting to calm the tears.

"I'm sorry, Bella." Edward said as his fingers, very lightly, brushed the tears away from both sides of my face. His touch brought an immediate electric spark and we both jumped from the contact.

I could see from the look in Edward's eyes that he was sorry for a number of things.

I very reluctantly pulled away once he was done drying my face.

"It's okay." I said as I sniffled the remainders.

As soon as I composed myself I spoke again.

"Edward, as long as you need me in your company I'm more than willing to stay. But the second your regard goes down, and you wish for the departure of my company what do you want me to do? Shall I fight or go down easy?" I asked.

Edward, trying to be noble, would most likely want me to go down easy. But I wouldn't precede that easily. Edward was too special to simply give up on. I would put up a trying fight, for Edward's sake mostly, but for mine too. And if that failed, and Edward clearly did not want my burden anymore, what other choice would I have but to depart?

Edward's expression was the familiar pained one that had occurred such a short time ago.

"I want, for myself, more than anything, for you to stay and help me. But realistically, it would be a whole new level of selfishness. How could I bring myself to do that? Bella, for yourself, I want you to go. There are two sides here that I'm fighting. Know that." He explained carefully.

I nodded.

Edward had a point, from his side of the story, but he hadn't heard mine.

"It's not selfish if I'm willing to do it Edward, it's simply reaping the benefits." I chose my words carefully.

He frowned. "Ah. But if you look at it from earlier, I took it upon myself to throw this on you. You wouldn't be making these choices if it weren't for my self-centered openness." Edward countered turning his body to face mine.

We were both slumped in our seats again.

"True. But one burst of self-centeredness can't be responsible for another's precise actions. From that point on, it was in my control. I chose to act upon it. So can we just call it even? I'm tired." I finished lamely.

I wasn't in the mood for intelligent conversation anymore. Edward had a way of twisting things so that they would be his fault. I wouldn't be surprised if he blamed himself for every little thing that went wrong.

Edward sighed and then nodded.

He would always blame himself for dragging me into this, that much was true, but I'd just have to remind him that it was my choice to help him, and that his story enabled a sympathetic monster deep down inside of me.

Edward would always have doubt too. That was to be expected. He would always doubt his deserving of my compassion. He would probably doubt if I'd actually stand by him throughout the whole process. These would be more obstacles to face in the future.

A small fraction of the many.

**Thank you for reading! :PPPPPP  
**


	7. Reality

**Long time no update. Thanks to my new, new beta, mistyrious charades. She's very helpful.  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY**

Edward and I remained silent for a few minutes. I was lost in my own thoughts, and by the sound of Edward's deep rhythmic breathing, he was lost in sleep.

He came into my life like a hurricane, abrupt and forcefully, but he hadn't done any damage - yet. Truth was that unlike a hurricane, I wanted him here. I wanted to stand outside and watch as the impact hit.

I tilted my head to look at Edward. His face wasn't relaxed like I had expected but graced with worry lines on his forehead. His lips were turned down into a frown. I resisted the urge to reach out and massage the stress away. Instead I settled for admiring his unique beauty.

His skin was pale, with a sickly mix of green, but it was smooth like marble… smooth and even and beautiful. Unfamiliarly long lashes framed his eyes, and cast mild shadows across his cheeks. A small beauty mark rested there, and I wanted to kiss it. All I was doing was admiring his beauty, and yet I knew I was getting in too deep.

Edward had a point. Was it really the smartest thing to get attached to someone so unstable? He could hurt me really bad. He could damage my perception of people, ruin my trust. He could do so much. Logically, I should have backed out long ago. But I didn't. I stayed.

Trust. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what I trusted Edward with. I trusted him to try, I suppose. I couldn't trust him to succeed. I wasn't that arrogant.

But I still trusted him.

There was a good chance that he wouldn't accomplish much success. He could change in an instant. Spending these hours with him told me so. Yes, he might back out on everything all together. He might tell me to leave, to forget about him. That would hurt. It would most likely have affects on my outlook of people overall.

There was just so much at stake here, for both of us.

I looked back at Edward, sleeping with a pained expression still marked across his face. He was vulnerable like me. He was vulnerable to losing trust and will in all people too but his chances were more amplified in contrast to mine.

Edward was at a turning point in his life, and if something went wrong now, it would most likely send him in a downward spiral which would inevitably end burning him completely, though I didn't want to dwell too much on these thoughts.

I was still here. Edward was still here. And I had vowed to help him. I could trust myself to not back down, for it was all in _my_ power… but trusting Edward to remain strong was another story.

I was still going to do it.

Edward needed someone to remain confident in him. And, at the moment, _I_ was all he had, or cared to have.

My heart tugged for the troubled man beside me. I briefly thought back to my previous thoughts when I had first laid eyes on him. I had judged that he was a bad boy who didn't care about the world, and I had carelessly thought that was upsetting and tragic. Little did I know just how upsetting and tragic it truly was.

He was alone. He was battling a heroin addiction and past demons all alone. My eyes widened as I thought about how strong he must be to have lasted this long. That must have taken all he had. I wondered briefly what kept him going. What would someone like him, who had lost everything, have to hold on to? Maybe it would be too rude to ask. I wished for once I'd just push my manners aside. But I needed to remain patient. Edward needed someone with a lot of patience. And normally I was a very reasonable and tolerant person. I suppose it was just the severity of the situation that was getting to me. I could hold it in though.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will now begin boarding first class passengers for flight 1304 to Seattle…."

I checked my phone. Time really flew by.

Edward still was sound asleep by me. I decided to let him rest a little longer until we were actually called to board. I dropped posture in my seat a little until my head was level with Edward's. We were very close now. I could feel his warm breath on my face.

And it made me frown.

It was very obvious I was attracted to Edward. I doubted he'd ever feel the same way - but it didn't change things. I was still going to help Edward and be there for him in every way I could.

I looked back to see the first class passengers thinning their line out. We'd board pretty soon. I softly outlined my finger tips across Edward's features. My only hope was that he wouldn't be frightened by the action. I started at the edge of his brow, and traced my way from there to across his cheek bone. I went backwards a little and continued down his jaw. Then I drew my hand back up and across his nose, very lightly, and back across the same cheek again. Edward tensed slightly, which warned me of his consciousness, and then his hand softly went up to mine as his eye lids fluttered open.

My eyes were wide with worry but he simply smiled a crooked smile - and then his thumb stroked the back of my hand which I gladly took as a good sign. I still blushed, and broke eye contact.

"I'm sorry. It's just that we have to board pretty soon and I didn't—"

He didn't put up a hand to stop me, but interrupted my apologetic speech. "Don't be sorry, Bella," he breathed.

I looked back up to his eyes. They were worried, but still held the softness of sleep. My hand was still on his face; his hand was still on mine. Our faces were very close now, our breaths were mingling… and we just stared into each others eyes for an immeasurable moment. Edward seemed deep in thought. His eyes pierced into mine and yet they were still distant. I probably looked like a deer in headlights.

"We should probably…" I trailed off.

He nodded and took his hand off mine in response, and then we both stood up and stretched before heading towards the gate.

"What seat number are you?" I questioned, figuring we'd find some way to have seats by each other.

"37 F," he said after a moment.

"Hmm, I'm 42 D, d-do you want me to sit by you?" I asked, shortly stuttering in a small soft voice.

Edward was always unpredictable. I was sure I wanted to sit with him but I figured it could only help to ask.

He yawned, answering. "Of course, Bella."

His eyes were far-off, extremely tired. He looked down to meet my gaze and smiled reassuringly. I nodded.

We didn't say another word as we boarded the plane. I had butterflies in my stomach. The next time I'd walk through this door would be when I got off to my life that would be waiting for me. Reality would be right there with it, eyeing me with disapproval.

From Edward's row I could see that my seat was an aisle one. Most people didn't prefer those but experience speaking it would be easier to trade than a middle seat. A young man was sitting in the seat next to Edward's. I approached him with a warm smile.

"Hi, I was wondering if you'd like to trade seats with me. I'd really like to sit with my friend here," I said as politely as I could while gesturing to Edward.

The man had a sort of dumbfounded expression upon his face.

"None to worry, it's an aisle seat like yours, and just a few rows back, 42 D to be exact." I pointed in the general direction.

He swallowed and then nodded, gathering his belongings and standing up. Edward and I made room for him. I flashed him a thankful smile. He smiled in return, and rushed to his new seat.

"You're quite the charmer, Bella." Edward said.

I let out a laugh. "Ah, well, you know me." Not. I added mentally.

Once Edward and I were settled I threw my hair up in a ponytail and pulled my legs up into a hug.

"Interesting position," Edward noted teasingly.

I turned to him and smiled. "Just the way I roll, thank you very much."

He laughed.

We didn't speak after that. The silence lasted until the plane was in the air. I don't think either one of us knew what to say. There were things that needed to be discussed, and things that were trivial but easier to talk about.

I sighed. "Edward, what are your plans once we get to Seattle?" I asked, genuinely curious.

He shifted in his seat. "I have reservations to stay at a hotel, so I'll most likely crash there. I –uh, actually made an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist at the heroin rehabilitation center of my desire. We're supposed to discuss my options, and what's best for me."

I smiled. "That's great, Edward. Would you like me to join you? You know, for moral support?"

He sighed, nodding. "That would probably help."

I was feeling a little proud of Edward. He had accomplished a big step before he had even met me. Once again I was in awe of his strength.

Edward was frowning at his knuckles now; he was also looking a little unusually discouraged.

"Hey, what's wrong? You're doing great so far, really. I mean, I know that this doesn't seem like much, but the fact of the matter is you did this on your own. Just imagine how much you'll be able to accomplish now, with help and support. It's not going to be easy, but you've made it this far."

Edward was looking a little down. I knew what he needed - encouragement. I know that meeting with someone at a drug rehabilitation center was not the same as actually committing and starting detox. But it was a big step for someone like Edward, a big step for any addict. And he _had_ accomplished it on his own.

He smiled a tight smile but didn't look up to me. "Thanks, Bella."

I placed my hand lightly on his shoulder, and the electricity hummed between us. His stance was tense and he seemed deep in thought.

I had never experienced this type of feeling with anyone before. The shocks and energy pulses that seemed to be emanating from wherever we touched were new. And to be quite honest, I was scared. I didn't know if these little signs were a good or bad thing.

I think Edward was scared too.

But at the same time I felt the need to have some sort of contact with him. Whether we held hands or I stroked his back, anything, as long as we remained touching. The feeling of need overpowered fear most of the time, but when the shock of fire was more prominent, fear dominated.

Drowsiness soon clouded my mind. As I drifted off in an uncomfortable position, on a plane cruising at twenty-nine thousand feet, I thought I could feel a beautiful stranger next to me caress my face with the most delicate touch.

I was dreaming something unusual. It was about a character from my book, Blanche, and she was crying. Her black tears streaming down her face in thick globs. I narrowed my eyes at her and asked what was wrong, figuring I'd go a long with it. She shook her head in response and continued her silent sobbing. Then, suddenly, tones, in varying ranges of pitch, began ringing out loudly inside the cave I was in. It reminded me of _Close Encounters of a Third Kind_. And then I saw Edward. He was on the ground, or rather whatever it was we were standing on. I walked over to him. He was sweating, and twitching sporadically. He also looked sicker, and paler than usual and his eyes were black. Then the theme song from 'Mario Brothers' started.

I usually had dreams of a random nature but this one was, well weird, and the first one that had ever contained Edward. He was obviously haunting my subconscious.

My neck was _killing_ me. I adjusted my stance and stretched out my legs, then began rubbing my neck attempting to get all the kinks out. I turned to Edward, who was sleeping, face down on the tray table. I laughed quietly to myself. He looked really cute right now. He probably felt highly uncomfortable.

I stretched one more time before leaning down to shuffle through my purse in search of my new favorite book. As I brought it to my lap I heard Edward mumble something incoherent. I didn't think he was awake. He would certainly look up at me to speak wouldn't he?

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

I leaned closer to him. He was still soundlessly asleep.

"… for everything. It's just so hard…." He trailed off again.

I continued listening, intrigued at getting a peek at the unconscious mind of Edward Cullen.

Unfortunately, nothing else uttered out of his mouth. He went back to a silent sleep, except for the occasional snore.

I sighed. I wanted to know more, but at least I had found out he was a sleep talker. And that he was sorry for everything. What the 'everything' might be, and to whom he was sorry to, would remain a mystery, unless I got him to crack later.

I began reading. After a few pages of mixed alien signals and government cover ups, Edward stirred awake. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He glanced at a wrist watch I hadn't noticed before and groaned in frustration.

"Fifteen minutes that time. I haven't been able to sleep lately. That's why I look like the dead." His head leaned into mine and I half smiled at him ruefully and nodded in understanding.

"It sucks," he continued, "I'm so exhausted. But I either have trouble falling asleep, or once I finally succumb, I can't stay resting for long." He said this running his hands through his hair.

"I'm sorry," I consoled.

He shrugged. "It's not your fault."

I marked my page in my book and stowed it. It was the right time to bring it up.

"Did you know that you talked in your sleep?" It was a pretty lame icebreaker. Most people with odd sleeping habits were quite aware of it.

He laughed a little nervously. "Ah, yes."

Something happened to his skin then. It changed color. It took me a few moments to figure out that under the pallor he was blushing.

"What exactly did I say?" he questioned cautiously.

I smiled. "Nothing embarrassing… just that you were sorry for everything, and that things were really hard." I told him this seriously, measuring his reaction.

He nodded and turned away, gazing out the window now.

"I was dreaming about my parents." He admitted quietly.

I didn't question him further. I just nodded, not sure if he noticed.

The rest of the flight was spent with lighter conversation. It was actually quite easy to talk to Edward when the topics were trivial. And I had found that he was truly an intelligent person, someone that could hold up a conversation. I admired him greatly for many things.

As soon as we landed the butterflies made themselves known again. Edward was noticeably quieter.

Before I turned on my phone and returned to the world I spoke to him.

"Hey, things aren't going to change drastically with you and me. I'm still here for you in every way you need. I'm still going to help you." I held his gaze firmly.

He looked truly touched at what I had said. "Thank you, Bella, for everything you have done thus far." He placed his hand on my shoulder to further get his point across and I relished in the gesture.

Edward's gaze left my eyes and drifted to where he had placed his hand, where the electricity was most prominent. He didn't recoil away immediately. Instead he slowly drew his gaze back up to mine and gave me a half smile.

It was reassuring enough to overcome the fear I had once felt.

As we got off the plane I couldn't help but feel that some melancholy music was playing in the background. Edward's pace was slower than usual, but still polished. Here he was in a new city, with no family that he cared to have left, and soon he would be facing his biggest fear, rehabilitating from heroin. He needed a friend more than ever right now.

We exchanged phone numbers on our way to the baggage claim. I had once again assured Edward that he could call me whenever he felt like he needed to, and that if he wanted, he could visit my place tonight. He told me that he had some loose ends to tie up, otherwise he would stop by.

I assumed those loose ends to be a few last fixes of heroin. And that scared me. It needed to be done though, if he wanted to look human tomorrow.

"Bella!"

I was surprised, but I knew that voice anywhere. What shocked me was that the 'anywhere' was at baggage claim port J3.

Alice.

I thought it had been understood that I was going to taxi home; she did have a busy life after all. I hadn't received any advanced warning of her presence here, no text, no call.

Alice shoved pass a few pedestrians and then made her way to me, pulling me in a fierce hug. Before she did this though, she glanced at Edward, who was standing close to me. Nothing short of elation crossed her features.

"I'm so happy you're back!" Alice sighed.

I awkwardly hugged her too with my purse straining on my arm. "It's good to be back, Alice. I thought we agreed I was going to taxi it home."

She pulled away and again glanced at Edward, the expression held towards me was still lingering. She didn't look bemused or upset, or annoyed.

Then she skirted around my statement.

"Who's this?" she finally asked.

She didn't seem curious, and politely waited for my answer.

I looked up at Edward who was quiet and on the defense.

"Um, Alice, this is Edward. We- uh met in the airport and, well, long story short we became friends. I'll explain more later." My voice rose a bit at the end, revealing my uncertainty.

Yes, wouldn't it be nice to explain Edward's life story in a circle here at the SeaTac International airport for everyone to bear witness to. Not.

Edward relaxed slightly at my side. I shot him an apologetic glance.

Alice's mouth formed a perfect oh, of what I wasn't certain. Then she brightened up again and turned to Edward.

"Pleased to meet you." She said as she reached for Edwards's hand.

They shared a brief shake. Alice turned away as her eyes glazed over. Suddenly her posture became extremely stoic. _Oh shit!_

Alice was having a vision.

Marie Alice Brandon was not your average girl but on the surface, she was. She worked as a photographer, had a steady boyfriend, steady income, a close-knit circle of friends and close family. But Alice possessed a sixth sense. She was psychic. Her visions, or premonitions though, weren't consistent, sometimes they had to do with people she knew, sometimes with complete strangers. But one way or another, they were connected with her, whether in the present or future.

She couldn't predict things like the telephone ringing or the winner of the Kentucky Derby. But at any given moment in time, she could see someone, some time in the future, nothing more and nothing less.

She religiously chose never to act upon them, unless someone she was close to was in grave danger, which never happened. Alice was never exploited in anyway, she just chose to go through life as normal as possible. And only a small few knew of her gift, I included.

So she must have seen Edward with me. This would explain her reaction. What she saw though was still unbeknownst to me.

We would be having a serious talk soon enough. I sighed.

"Hey! I think that's my bag…" I trailed off as I longingly stared at the suitcase drifting away.

In a flash Edward had retrieved it, gracefully might I add.

I smiled up at him in awe. "Thank you!" I breathed.

His face lit up. "You're welcome."

Alice eyed us with subdued curiosity.

Shortly after Edward had retrieved my bag, his own came around. After we were settled, reality hit me again. This would be the first time Edward and I would part since I met him. I frowned at this. It would be dangerous, for so many reasons. But I had to remain confident and trustful in Edward, he needed that. I tried to hold back the tears as Edward hailed a cab.

"Call me," I said softly.

He turned and surprised me by putting both of his hands on my shoulders. He stared into my eyes fiercely. At this moment, we both needed reassuring.

"I will, I promise." Edward spoke reverently.

A few tears managed to escape me and I sighed.

"Aw…" Edward cooed as he gently rubbed them away. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

I nodded.

"I just, I don't want to let you g-go." I managed out. Then after realizing what I had confessed to him, turned away from his gaze.

"I don't want to let you go, either." He spoke softly after a few moments.

I looked back up to him disbelieving.

"Really?" I whimpered.

He nodded. His expression was heartbreaking.

"Can't you see what you mean to me?" He questioned, his voice breaking slightly.

My sobs were becoming more pronounced more. Edward moved his hands to permanently rest on my cheeks, holding my gaze.

The cab driver beeped his horn impatiently. Edward bit his lip and whispered curses under his breath.

"I'll call you, Bella." Edward promised.

He leaned forward hesitantly, silently asking with his eyes for permission to be within this close proximity. I just stared back at him, memorizing his features. He lifted his chin slightly, and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead. I would never forget the feeling of his lips on my skin.

It was misting out slightly, making the scene of Edward getting in the cab look like a dream. The cab sped off into the distance and I just stood there, feeling empty.

Alice came up behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder.

"It'll be okay, Bella."

She merely said those words to comfort me. They didn't do much.

I walked alongside Alice quietly as we made our way to her car. Once inside I mustered up the strength to attempt to find out all she knew. To be honest though, I was feeling physically and emotionally drained. I missed Edward already. This wasn't good.

"What did you see?" I asked quietly, though I was certain she could hear.

Alice sighed and sagged slightly at the steering wheel.

"It was weird, really. Well, all my visions are." She laughed slightly.

I didn't respond.

"I saw you and Edward having some sort of discussion outside in the rain. I don't know. It was weird." She spoke quickly.

"Did you hear anything?" I asked doubtfully.

She turned to me and smiled ruefully and mouthed 'no'.

I didn't know what to think. There was really no way to tell if this was before rehab, during, or after. And I didn't know which would be better.

Then something occurred to me.

"Did you see this before or while you picked me up at the airport?" I questioned.

"Before, that's why I decided to come pick you up, to tell you, and hopefully find out what the heck it was supposed to mean." She spoke while adjusting the windshield wipers.

I turned to her. "Did you see anything else? Like when you met Edward?" I asked frantically, remembering her glazed over look.

Alice made that face the few times I had witnessed her talent.

She didn't respond right away. Her expression was as if she was playing chess and losing.

"What did you see?" I persisted.

"It was Edward again, he was-" She paused and her face twisted in confusion. "He was just walking, he looked pretty solemn. It was at night, some city area. That's it." Alice finished.

Again, this made no sense and I wasn't sure if it was even the least bit consequential.

But these were pretty good examples of Alice's visions. She had the ability to see fragments of the future, unsolved pieces of time, yet to come.

The rest of the trip passed quickly. Alice hadn't really said anything else, and neither had I.

Once inside I collapsed to the sofa. Alice sat on the loveseat opposite me. She folded her hands on her lap and stared at nothing. She wasn't going to push me to speak, but I could tell she was dying to know.

"Edward has some baggage, Alice." My voice was muffled by the pillow I currently was hiding my face in.

I sat up and turned to her. She silently willed me to go on with her eyes.

I sighed. "Please keep in mind the trials Edward has gone through as I tell you this. I need you to be open and nonjudgmental right now." My voice sounded broken to me.

I was exhausted.

Alice nodded. "Of course, Bella. Whatever it may be, it's not my place to judge."

I dove in right there. I told her everything that Edward had told me, from beginning to end, leaving no detail out. Alice had stayed quiet for the most part, sometimes she would gasp but other than that she hadn't made a peep. She didn't seem to be angry but she was often good at concealing her true emotions.

I carried it all the way to our emotional goodbye at the airport. Alice nodded as it all sank in.

"Wow," She said after a moment.

"Yeah…" I trailed off.

Then she leaned forward out of her relaxing position and looked me squarely in the eyes.

"Bella, you are truly an amazing person for doing this for Edward. He is very lucky to have you. I'm not going to judge either one of you, ever, you know that." She stated firmly.

I nodded but was still uncertain.

"But it's dangerous. I'm not against it. I just don't want to see you get hurt." She said hesitantly.

I was prepared for this.

"I know it is. It's crazy too. But something happened today, and I'm not sure how to explain it but-" I paused and looked up to her. "Somehow, I know it'll all be worth it in the end. No matter what the outcome… I'll be okay. Maybe not perfect, maybe a little broken, but I'll have today's moments to look back on, and I'll never forget the feeling I get when I'm with him. It's crazy, I know, and it probably seems unreasonable but I have to do it. Edward needs me." I finished.

She nodded slowly, taking it all in. "I'll always be here for you, Bella." She added.

I smiled a tense smile.

"Thanks."

Truth be told, it really didn't matter what other people thought. I'd be doing this with or without her support, but to receive it made everything a little brighter, to know that I'd have a shoulder to cry on when things got tough.

And they _would_ get tough, no doubt about it. But I had already made a promise to myself and to Edward that I'd be there.

It's a strange feeling when you finally realize your purpose on this Earth, even if it's just temporary, you've finally got a goal set, and your head's straight and you're on your way.

Even if fate still has more planned for me, helping Edward right here and right now seems to be my job.

"You're welcome, Bella." Alice responded.

She stood up then, and came around the coffee table to sit beside me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.

"You've got a lot of guts." She said.

I half smiled. "So do you! Thank you for taking it in such a calm manner." I countered.

She laughed a small laugh. "Ah, I'm hardly the brave one, Bella." She paused and sobered up. "Honestly, I think if I were in your situation- Well I'd hope I would do what you did. I mean, I think I would. I can see where you're coming from." She explained carefully.

"You would." I assured while staring straight into her eyes.

"Thanks," she said.

And I really believed almost anyone would. The instinct to help others in need sometimes doesn't infer reasonable decision making, sometimes you just do what you have to do. And you can't do anything else.

That's just life, I guess.

Alice calmly said she had to get some groceries and politely offered me to join her. I told her no, that I was tired. It wasn't a lie. I also needed sometime alone with my thoughts.

I thought a lot about today, about Edward, about his parents, about what they might look like, about what Edward might have enjoyed as a child, silly things like that. I also thought about what he might be doing right now. Would he be taking a hit right away? Most likely. Who knows, he could be nodding off at this exact moment. Would he be thinking of me? Ever? I would certainly hope so, and not in the girly, clingy way, but just in a way where I mattered just enough to effect his thoughts.

I also thought about the future, and how difficult things were about to get, how scary things would be.

In a situation like this, I'd have to be prepared for the worst. There really wasn't any way around that. I mean, it would just be plain naïve to think that Edward would go through magic detox and magic counseling for a little while and suddenly be cured.

_No_.

This wouldn't happen. What would happen then? It could be any combination of failure, whether in the distant future or just on the horizon. That was the most likely outcome. Edward knew it. _I_ knew it.

_If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again._

And there was no reason not to try.

**Thanks for reading**. **And a special special thanks to my new beta ****mistyrious charades. She's awesome! No matter how much she denies it!  
**


	8. Change

**I don't know about you but I hate it when author's take forever to update. I'm hatin' myself right now. Big time. But alas, here is the chapter. Special thanks to my beta, Mistyrious Charades.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY.  
**

Followed by Alice's angelic humming, I woke up to a door shutting a little too loudly_._ I sat up slowly, weary of my new found congestion. I sniffled to no avail and reached for my phone, in part to check the time and the other to see if Edward had called. He hadn't. But only a few hours had passed since I unceremoniously had crashed onto the couch. Maintaining the throw blanket around my shoulders, I trailed into the kitchen in search of Alice. She was unpacking groceries.

"You're awake!" She said happily.

I nodded and began helping her.

Alice flitted around the kitchen, continuing to hum quietly to herself. She seemed to be her usual happy character almost as if everything I had said earlier never really happened.

"Are you okay, Alice?" I asked.

She stopped humming and turned to me. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

I shut the cupboard I was currently stocking. "I don't know, Alice. Maybe it's because your roommate has recently vowed to help a complete stranger to overcome his heroin addiction, without even consenting to you first."

As hard as I would try to keep Alice out of everything dangerous, for her own safety and well being, I couldn't deny that my choice would affect her too. In fact, thinking about it now made me sick. I didn't want her to be susceptible to the harmful obstacles of my future.

Alice smiled ruefully. "Bella, honestly, I'm okay with this. Don't worry about me, please." She paused for a moment, gauging my reaction. "I trust your judgment. If you believe in Edward, than so do I. It's as simple as that."

I was looking at the floor now. "Thank you, Alice." I said quietly.

"Are you okay?" She inquired.

I looked up at her abruptly. "Yes, I am."

Alice raised her eyebrows.

I sighed. "For now."

For a moment, Alice continued putting things in the fridge, and then she crossed the small kitchen to me.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" She asked softly.

"I'm scared for him, Alice." I admitted back even more quietly.

I'm not sure why but the enormity of my feelings for Edward and the anguish he would soon undergo suddenly plagued my outlook. I didn't want him to suffer. He had already gone through so much. It was inevitable of course, and the key for starting over, but this brought on a whole new realm of problems.

What if he'd relapse? What if he'd relapse and lie to me?

I don't know how I'd react.

And that scared me.

"Yeah," Alice agreed, placing a hand on my shoulder. "It's a scary thing."

I rested my weight on the counter.

"But - you've got to remain strong." She added firmly.

And she was right. If I crumbled now there was no way I could make it through the next few months let alone the next year. Nothing substantial apart from me meeting Edward had happened, and I was already fretting. I suppose I could thank my mother for that.

"Whenever you feel overwhelmed, Bella, try to think of why you're doing this, why you need to remain the strong one throughout. Edward _needs_ you, Bella. He needs you like crazy. You know that. So just remind yourself constantly of why you're even involved in the first place." Alice advised.

I looked up to her blue eyes to find them staring me down seriously.

I nodded. "Thank you, Alice," I repeated again genuinely.

She patted my shoulder as I slipped away into the hall.

And then - I did as Alice had said.

I thought about the first time I saw Edward, and how distraught he had looked. I thought about how he looked so different to me, so much more vulnerable after I had heard his story.

I also thought about that crucial moment when I had vowed to help him. I tried to recall the emotions behind the action, and I was suddenly feeling more stable.

I could do this.

I blew my nose as I checked my mail. It contained a lone email from Rob. _Oh joy_. It contained a summary of the rest of my book tour, where I was going, what was expected. Just the usual, I yawned and closed it.

I officially had nine days left until I left yet again and was wisped off onto another plane. Who knows, maybe I'd find a dog with a cocaine addiction, and a random crack baby.

After today's experience - with _my_ luck - anything was possible.

Before I ventured back into the living room, I checked my phone for a possible missed call or text.

Nothing. Not even from Rob.

I yawned and turned my volume higher then, as loud as it would go.

He said he would call. And if _I_ called now it would appear clingy and distrustful. So I just decided that being patient was the way to go - but that didn't stop me from worrying.

When I left my room Alice was sitting cross-legged on the floor searching through our DVD collection. Not long after I joined her we found a movie.

"_The Three Amigos_, also known as The Ultimate-Take-Your-Mind-Off-Of-Edward-Flick." Alice announced as she took her place beside me on the sofa.

I laughed, hoping she was right.

Alice was trying to distract me, she really was. And it worked… to an extent. But I couldn't stop from bouncing my leg up and down as the minutes ticked by.

And then it happened.

At some point during the movie - when the main characters where making a fool of themselves - my phone rang high, and shrill. My eyes widened and Alice smirked.

"Answer it!" She hissed, speaking as if we were in a movie theater.

I grabbed it abruptly and read the caller ID a second time to make sure that it was Edward calling. After the sixth ring I answered, somewhat apprehensive of the events to come, and not completely grasping the reality of him actually calling.

"Hello?" I asked shakily. I took a few calming breaths to slow my breathing.

_It's just Edward_.

"Bella," he exhaled into the phone.

I pulled the device away from my ear to make sure the name read Edward's. He just sounded so simply different over the phone.

"Edward?" I questioned incredulously, still in disbelief.

"No, Santa Claus," he said a bit harshly, "Bella, who else would it be?"

"I don't know. You just sound different." I admitted sheepishly.

"Oh," he said softly, apparently done teasing.

We were silent for a few moments. The seconds ticked by awkwardly. What was I supposed to say?

"Would you say I have a _plethora_ of piñatas?" Alice's voice sailed in from the living room. Of course she chose now of all times to quote her favorite lines.

I traveled further down the hall to my bedroom and shut the door.

"How are you?" I asked.

He laughed shortly. "I'm not going to lie to you, Bella, I'm not great."

"Oh," I said after a moment of silence between us - again.

"Yeah," He added in a stoic manner.

"Is there something I can do?" I asked instinctively while pacing through my room.

I could vaguely hear Alice exploding in her high pitched laughter. And then Edward spoke, and everything just melted away. "I-I can't be alone right now. I just…" He trailed off, unable to finish.

I swallowed anxiously before speaking. "Is something wrong?"

I started biting at a finger nail only to realize my hand was shaking.

He sighed. "Not in the wide sense, Bella, just please." He said brokenly.

I could tell he didn't like to plead with people. He didn't even clearly state what he wanted. But I could infer. "You want me to come over." I stated.

"Please," Edward said again.

I nodded even though he couldn't see the gesture. "Okay,"

In a daze, I received the address to Edward's hotel. "Please hurry," he asked - then he hung up.

I retrieved my raincoat specifically reserved for Seattle weather and entered the living room.

"I've got to go," I told Alice, avoiding eye contact.

"Is everything alright?" She asked generously.

I stared at the wall ahead of me, at a picture of Alice and I from the previous New Year.

"I don't know. Edward just needs me right now." I spoke determinedly.

Alice paused the movie and sat up.

"Bella are you not telling me something?"

I turned to face her now, making eye contact.

I shook my head and blinked a few times. "What…? No. I don't _know_ why Edward needs me right now. I'm just going. I'd tell you these things if I knew them, Alice."

Alice raised her eyebrows. "Would you?" She asked again.

I took a step back. "Yes," I breathed.

She nodded, accepting my answer - for the time being.

We said our goodbyes on a lighter note. And I couldn't help but feel bad. I hadn't been home for weeks and here I was ditching her on my first night back. And for Edward, I reminded myself - but Alice was just as important.

And then - I began feeling guilty. At first, I couldn't quite place the reason… until it finally hit me. Would I tell Alice everything I knew that pertained to Edward?

My eyebrows furrowed as I pulled up to a stop sign. I had _always_ told Alice everything. Why was I feeling so different about it now?

I suppose, for both Alice and Edward's well being, I should keep things under the radar from her.

It was I who had signed up for this after all, not Alice.

Of course she had said she would support me, but could she ever understand?

It was then that I realized, I had told Alice a lie earlier. I certainly would _not_ be telling her everything I knew about Edward from now on.

And I hated it. It made me sick.

But what other option did I have? I couldn't put my problems on her, even though it would kill me not to tell her.

She would be supportive, an easy confident. But I couldn't ask that of her. This wasn't your everyday boy troubles, ones that Alice could once empathize with me in. This was a full blown adult problem that couldn't be solved with an evening in.

But I couldn't keep everything inside of me either.

Oh, how life just got more complicated.

I thought it over; I wouldn't necessarily _lie_ to Alice. I would just skim over the details. If it was a positively bad day, I'd let her know, but I wouldn't get into the gritty stuff.

And if it was a day of triumph, I'd make sure my mood would rub off on her… maybe that would suffice?

Ah, who was I kidding?

I'd just have to find a balance… but that was easier said than done.

I had seen the hotel Edward was currently residing at before. Just one of the random trips Alice and I had taken led us past it a time or two. It was on the higher, more expensive end that Seattle offered.

I was pulling into the underground garage, stopping my car, and slowing my breathing when the familiar butterflies made themselves known again, in anticipation of Edward. I rested my head on the steering wheel willing myself to calm down.

_It's just Edward_.

I couldn't keep him waiting.

I entered the lobby a few minutes later. It was warm and elegantly decorated. I scraped my shoes across the mat as quietly as possible. The lobby was only occupied by two staff behind the front desk.

It was an empty, quiet ride in the elevator to the eleventh floor.

My heart was beating erratically in my chest when I came upon Edward's room, not too far from the elevators. I was nervous and apprehensive just minutes ago. Now I was anxious to be with Edward again.

I knocked on the door softly.

Before I could even register what was happening, the door flew open and Edward pulled me into a hug.

It happened so quickly that if I wasn't familiar with Edward's scent, I would have believed the man currently holding me was a complete stranger. I could barely make out his features before he buried his head in my hair.

The intensity of the hug set me back a few feet, and Edward stumbled right along with me.

"Bella," he sighed.

"Hey," I said shakily, but the happiness was evident in my voice.

I pulled him closer, if that was even possible, and buried my head in his chest. I missed him. As silly and cliché as it sounded, I missed him.

"Are you alright?" I murmured while looking up at him.

He returned my gaze with frantic eyes. His pupils were almost nonexistent. "No," he shook his head quickly.

I pulled away slightly to look for any physical signs of damage.

"What? Are you hurt? What happened?" I questioned anxiously.

Edward put his hand on mine to cease my searching. It was clammy.

I froze and looked up at him.

"I took less this time." He stated stoically.

I stared up at him incredulously. "Why?" I breathed, barely above a whisper.

Edward smiled sadly. "I had to, Bella. I needed to prove to you that I'm serious about quitting." He announced.

I frowned. "But you didn't have to do that, Edward."

I didn't want him to suffer anymore than he already had to.

He was shaking his head stubbornly. "Yes I did, Bella. I'm an addict, okay? And we lie, we cheat, we steal. Why should you trust my word? Actions speak louder." He countered.

Edward had done two things in that statement. He verbally admitted that he was an addict. And he proved his point, proving me wrong, and making his more valid.

In response I just pulled him into a hug again. His cold arms wrapped around my form protectively.

"Oh, Bella," he breathed.

"You're amazing, Edward." I said.

"Far from," was his response.

I pulled him closer, not willing to fight anything at this point. I became aware of something, beating abnormally slow and irregularly below my ear. Edward's heart.

"Let's get you inside, Edward." I announced applying a slight pressure to his chest.

He nodded and pulled away.

Once inside his room I saw the drug that had taken everything from Edward. It was sitting there, atop the mini fridge, just out in the open: a small bag of syringes, and heroin in its liquid form.

I looked to Edward. He was watching me, most likely gauging my reaction.

But what was there to say? I knew he was going to take it. I knew that when I saw it I would be taken aback. But what could I do?

I dropped Edward's now trembling hand and picked the offending objects up. Wordlessly, I walked to the nightstand, and placed them in the drawer next to the Bible.

I knew that I didn't want to look at it, and what good would it do Edward?

I turned to face him once again. He was visibly shaking now.

"Lay down, Edward." I ordered.

He nodded and followed through.

"I'm so c-cold." He muttered, stuttering between tremors. Funny, I hadn't noticed them until now.

I slid out of my shoes and crawled up on the bed beside Edward.

"Wh-What are you doing?" He wondered wearily.

"I'm sharing my body heat." I stated while wrapping an arm around his back and one around his chest, connecting them on the other side.

"I can use the blankets." He protested weakly, still shaking in my arms.

I nodded. "I know, but this is quicker. Right now you won't transfer much heat anyway."

He groaned and then settled further into my arms.

"Do that again." He ordered hoarsely.

"What?" I asked.

"Exhale on my neck… it f-feels good." He muttered.

Indeed I was unconsciously exhaling my breath across his neck. I took a deep breath, and trying not to be obnoxious about it, breathed out over his neck again.

He reached up with his arms to grab a hold of mine that were draped over his chest. I rested my chin on his shoulder and aimed my breath directly to his neck.

All of this was meant to comfort him, but it probably wasn't doing much to distract him.

"What's your favorite color?" I blurted out.

Edward's eyes opened and again I was taken aback by their near alien form. They were just orbs of green, almost no pupil separating the color.

"Blue," he answered, catching on to what I was doing.

"Favorite time of day?" I continued.

"Twilight."

Interesting.

"Pepsi or Coke?"

Edward frowned. "Neither, soda is bad for you."

Amazing - he abstained from soda but not heroin.

I continued with the frivolous questioning. Edward's tremors were unrelenting, though they didn't seem to be getting any worse. He was still cold, and his neck had a layer of sweat on it, along with his forehead.

Often times his answers were strained, and interrupted by shivers, but I kept going, making it my goal to distract him sufficiently.

And after awhile the tables had turned. Edward had composed himself to start quizzing me. I allowed him, even though I hated talking about myself, especially if the answers were long.

He listened politely as I told him about my childhood, about my parents. I explained that our relationship wasn't necessarily torn, but we weren't as close as we could be. I still missed them though.

I tried to keep my answers short when they pertained to my family though, after all, Edward really didn't have any.

After a while he just stopped asking about them. And then the yawning started. He just wouldn't stop. And then I started in reaction to him.

He explained to me it was part of the withdrawal and I remember thinking, how random that was.

On the topic of withdrawal I asked, "When is your appointment?"

We were in more relaxed positions now, resting atop the covers. Edward's arms were wrapped possessively around mine, and I rested my head on his neck.

"Tomorrow morning, it's at the Lakeside Recovery Center with Dr. Tanya Denali."

"Oh," I said.

"Basically I have two major options, outpatient treatment or inpatient. I have the money for inp-patient so it's ultimately up to me. But… we'll see tomorrow." He explained further.

We were silent for a few minutes. Edward was making involuntary whimpers every now and then, jerking slightly. I didn't know what to do. I mean, what _could_ I do?

I rubbed his shoulder a little bit. That was it.

I kept thinking though, that it could be worse. It could be _a lot_ worse. He still had heroin in his system at least, just not enough.

Edward sat up abruptly then. "I think you can go now," he muttered, clutching at his freed sides.

I put my hands on his shoulders. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"I've-I've got to take s-some now. I don't want you t-to see it." He said.

He swallowed deeply and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Please, Bella," he whispered tensely.

"How long has it been since you last took it?" I asked quietly.

He shook his head quickly. "Too long, Bella, just go."

"I don't think I should leave you." I tried to sound confident but I failed miserably.

Edward jumped off the bed quickly and opened the drawer.

"Leave, Bella. Just go, now. Please, I don't want you to see me like this. Go!" He pled quickly while preparing the syringe.

I put my hands on his. "Don't do this, Edward." I begged.

He flinched away from my touch and continued his work.

I pried his wet hands away from the needle.

"Stop!" I said.

"God damn it, Bella! Can't you see? I'm _sick_. I need to do this, okay? I _have_ to!" He looked at me with frantic eyes.

"I know, Edward. Just," I paused and met his wide eyes. "Tell me you want to stop." I implored swiftly.

He shook his head furiously, but seemingly composed himself. "I can't _do_ that now, Bella! If I say yes, and you let me use, it's an obvious lie. That's why you can't be here when I do this. Go!" He told me. I didn't move.

"Go!" He yelled pointing towards the door.

Resigned to not knowing what to do, I picked up my shoes and carried them with me outside his door. Once it was latched shut, and there was no way I could go back in, I put them on. The hall was empty, as was the elevator and lobby. I retrieved my car, and drove in complete silence back to my apartment, taking the long way, feeling hurt.

Once inside I hung my coat up. The house was relatively quiet, but almost every light was on.

"Alice?" I called.

I heard her uneven footsteps. She rounded the corner with one heel on, one in her hand.

"Oh hey, Bella, how's it going?" She asked while standing on one foot and placing the other shoe on.

I gave her a half smile. "It's okay. Where are you going?" I asked curious as to why she was so dressed up.

"Jazz is taking me out to eat, says he has something important to tell me." Alice said while adjusting her dress.

"Oh, really?" I asked with little emotion.

Alice didn't seem to notice. "It's nothing, just a promotion." She said with a flick of her wrist.

I nodded.

"Well, I've got to go. We're meeting after he gets off work so… tootles!"

She came up to kiss me on the cheek, it was then she noticed something was up.

"Hey, you okay?" She breathed pulling away.

"I've been better." I admitted.

"Should I stay in tonight?" She asked concerned.

My eyes grew wide. "Of course not! Go have fun with Jasper, tell him I said 'hi'."

She didn't seem satisfied.

"Bella, if you need to talk I can stay in. It's not a problem."

I nodded. "I know, but don't. I'll be fine, Alice, really."

"How's Edward?" She asked in a routine tone.

I sighed and half smiled. "He's not great, but that's inevitable, really."

"Why did you leave?" She persisted.

I shrugged. "Mutual decision," I lied.

She shook her head and frowned.

"You shouldn't lie to me, Bella." Alice was heading towards the door now.

"I know I shouldn't. I'm not." I said quickly.

She slid into her raincoat. "I understand this is difficult for you." She said turning to face me, "Just tell me when you're ready."

Not wanting to acknowledge the fact that I had lied to her, I just said goodbye and headed towards my room.

On my way there I turned off all the lights Alice had carelessly left on. I swear if she didn't have me to turn them off, she wouldn't have enough money left to spend on shopping. Her paycheck would go straight to the energy bill.

Once in my room I turned my computer on and rested on my bed while it hummed to life.

I opened the first search engine that came to mind and typed in the word 'heroin'. If Edward decided to back out, and this afternoon was the last time I would see him, then so be it. At least I'd be more educated, that's why I had to do this.

I skimmed, I searched, I scrolled. I began on the facts then went to statistics, and then testimonials. I visited countless websites, each one containing the same facts, the same words and pictures.

Before long I realized I had spent nearly two hours online. I sighed and leaned back in my chair a little, gazing at the latest article I was reading.

Heroin was bad.

Damn, it was just plain awful.

And the most real piece of evidence supporting this was the random statistic that stood out from all the rest:

One out of every ten heroin addicts actually _did_ recover from the addiction.

That's ten percent - Edward's chances were _so_ slim.

I stared at the computer screen for a moment, and nothing happened. Nothing changed. I took a deep breath and shut it down.

Then I went onto my bed and started to cry.

I cried because I had no idea whether Edward still wanted my help or not.

I cried because even if he did want my help his chance for recovery was almost nonexistent.

I cried because I missed him miserably.

I cried because he hadn't called back yet.

I cried because Alice was gone, and I had lied to her. I had lied to my best friend.

And when my eyes got heavy and the tears subsided I stopped. I just sniffled as the room spun around me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and took a deep breath.

"Bella?" A voice called softly.

I groaned. I must have fallen asleep. I was so tired. And the light was obnoxiously bright.

"Sorry, I didn't quite mean to wake you like this." The voice I recognized as Alice's explained to me sheepishly.

"It's okay," I mumbled.

"About earlier, I just feel like we didn't quite leave things on a good note. And I'm just worried that you will start shutting me out. I don't want that to happen."

I breathed in softly.

"I'm sorry, Alice." I said.

She waited.

"I don't want to shut you out either. I just-I don't—I'm so afraid for Edward. I don't know if he wants my help. I don't know what he wants anymore. I mean, he told me to go. And I know he wasn't himself when he said that but that's who he is a majority of the time. Oh God, Alice! I'm so confused. I miss him. God, I miss him so much! And I'm so stupid, I _shouldn't_ miss him. I'm so sorry, Alice." I rambled on, overcome by the sudden urge to cry again.

Alice pulled me closer and I sobbed into her shoulder. She rubbed my back and said soothing words as I cried myself out again.

"I'm sorry." I choked out.

"It's okay, Bella." She urged.

And then my phone rang, high and shrill.

**Reviews are appreciated because without them I fell like I'm writing to wallpaper. And I don't even own wallpaper so I'd have to drive down to the local Home Depot and deliver my chapters to it...  
**


	9. Feelings

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY.  
**

Alice let go of me abruptly, shaken by the sound of my phone. She looked at me with an expression I chose to ignore while I searched for it.

Would I be lying to myself if I said I was clueless as to who was calling? The chances that it was Charlie or Renee were slightly higher at the moment since I had just flown in from New York. It was an assumed responsibility of them to call and politely ask how I was.

Or it could be Rob. But this hour suggested otherwise.

And there were always my various friends and acquaintances through the rest of my phonebook. They usually stick to texting though.

The caller ID didn't read "Charlie" or "Renee", nor "Rob" or the name of a random friend. It did not read "Edward", who I mentally put into his own group among the various other members.

It read "Restricted". I wiped my eyes roughly and decided to answer the phone anyway. There was a part of me - a large part - that yearned for it to be Edward on the other end. Had I not been crying over this man and the situation he presented only moments ago?

Of course all the odds were against Edward being on the other end. A restricted phone call could come from the source of any number of places, a radio station, possibly a credit card company?

I paid my bill last month. I was sure.

Then there was the factor of Edward's ability and reason to call from a restricted number. If he wished to speak to me, wouldn't he call from his cell phone?

Sighing, I answered. "Hello?"

I flinched back from the sound of my voice. I hadn't realized how very nasally it appeared.

Alice reached for the Kleenex box on my night stand. I took it. She looked uncertain of her right to be in the room but I knew I needed her. I mouthed the word "stay" and she relaxed back into her seat.

At first I was greeted with silence on the other end. Not the silence that was followed by a dial tone that informs you no one is there. But the kind of silence that was loud in its absence.

The silence was almost long enough for me to give up on the whole possibility of Edward even calling. Almost.

There was a ragged release of breath followed by the voice that I surprisingly recognized immediately this time. The voice that I was yearning to hear, the voice I was crying for.

"Bella?" he said in a weak, unsure voice.

The way he spoke sent something through me, a twinge. It traveled from my ears straight to my heart, where I felt a pulling. A pulling for him.

One word was all it took. We had spoken hours before, but things had been so difficult then, so confusing for me. I had left his hotel feeling hurt. And it was ridiculous because I _knew_ he hadn't done it intentionally. But it was because of that - because he was hurting me over things currently out of his control – it hurt him in return.

It hurt him to hurt me. That was purely observational.

Memories of the airport came to me then, the first I thought back to in greater detail all day. And I saw it. I saw it in his reluctance, in his expressions, the way he spoke, it was always controlled. He didn't want to see me get hurt. It was obvious.

But I knew I didn't want to see him hurt either, because in return, it hurt me.

So that sound in his voice – weak and unsure – told me he was upset. He was afraid of how I would react to what had happened today.

And I understood that.

If I had no clue where I stood with him, how the hell would he know where he stood with me?

Things had left on such uncertain terms it was impossible to draw any conclusions.

After all, I couldn't just assume with one hundred percent certainty that Edward _would_ be sorry, or not sorry, or anything to me. I had only just met him today!

And Edward couldn't assume with one hundred percent certainty that I'd be fine with it all, or that I'd finally come to my senses and see how _truly_ difficult helping him, _being_ with him could be.

We barley knew each other _in that way_, the way where you could finish the other's sentences, or know what pushes the other's buttons, if they held grudges, or if they forgive almost everything and rarely get mad.

But that's just it! Edward and I connected today on such a _deeper_ level, in such a short time.

Under normal circumstances, people need time to share parts of their past, including their secrets. They need the time to asses the one they are with. They need to gain trust, and stability in one another. We all just want to feel safe when confiding in someone.

We just hope that when the secret's out and they know who we are, who we _really_ are, that they won't look at us any differently.

There was something different between Edward and I in the airport today. And I couldn't explain it in comprehensible detail to an outsider. It had to be felt, at the right time, with the right person. When that happens, the rules begin to change, because the circumstance calls for it.

The feeling of natural insecurity dissipates, and walls lose their strength. The trust is there. Now it's the person's choice to willingly share their secrets, to open up in a way that one would never think of doing to someone they just met.

The instinct to help was always there for me, and it controlled my outlook from there. I did not judge Edward, and I never would.

This all came to me, so fast, so suddenly. But it's the only way I can hope to explain it, for myself, and for those who can't understand, or choose not to.

And though I'm only beginning to make sense of it now, to add some rationality to the situation, I think we both knew there was something different between us all along.

"Yes, Edward," I managed to choke out.

Alice was rubbing my shoulder in an attempt to calm me down.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I-I'm, I'm sorry." He said with the voice of a man who had nothing left.

"It's okay." I whimpered.

I've got to control these tears.

He was quick to argue.

"No, it's not okay! I fucked up. So bad. And I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that I told you to go away. But there weren't any other options, Bella."

"I know that!" I said defiantly.

He was just trying to protect me, really. And I knew that, even when I was sitting in my bed crying my eyes out. His intentions were okay.

But it didn't stop paranoia from creeping in. In fact, I still feel it. That feeling that he's going to leave me.

I have every right to feel that. He's a heroin addict who I just met, the ultimate unstable person.

The confusion part came in where the extent of my trust was concerned.

Edward sighed, exasperated.

"Bella," He started in a calmer tone, "things _like_ that are going to happen… all the time. Rehab's just the beginning, you know? There's always life after that, and… I know it's going to be hard."

I just listened to him.

Alice was picking at a fingernail.

My phone was quite loud, I'm sure she could hear him.

"It's my problem." He said firmly. "_You_ don't have to fight it. Ever."

I leaned back a little bit. He was implying that I didn't have to help him. I could back out. All because it _was_ his fight, and I had just met him, and I needn't be obligated to him any longer. I never had to help him. I knew that.

But I wanted to. Against all the odds I wanted to be there for him in everyway I could, from beginning to end, and through all the crap in between.

There was always the factor of Edward wanting my help that would stand in my way. Even today, in the airport, it hadn't been clear whether he wanted me to stay or not. He said that for himself, he wanted it more than anything, but that it was repulsively selfish. He was fighting two sides then, and he was fighting them both now too.

I wasn't going to force myself upon someone who didn't want my help. If Edward wanted me, for himself, to go away, no matter how heart breaking it would be, how could I bring myself to stay?

It was clear that he needed me. We both knew that. But there were morals and ethics involved that made it difficult for him to _want_ me to stay.

Those _same_ morals and ethics were involved in my ability to stay. I couldn't help a reluctant addict, it'd be virtually impossible.

So I made a big decision then.

As long as Edward wanted the help, I'd be there.

If he needed the help, but didn't want it, well, that would be his problem to fix.

I _could not_ help an addict who did not want to be helped.

It has to be there _in them_, the will to change, and the will to get better. For some, it lasts, for others, it doesn't.

Without it, curing the addiction is impossible. You can't force an adult into rehab without their consent, they won't allow it. And even if you did, somehow manage to force them to quit whatever they were on, even out of love, they _will_ go back to it, with no doubt.

Because they don't want to quit, or they _can't_ quit, or they simply don't care anymore.

Edward is very special. He wants to quit, after only a short time on the drug, he's ready to call it quits. Most addicts are on it for life, up until the day they die.

And it's not that they like the drug and the way it makes them feel, sure in the beginning, but it wears off after a while. It's inevitable; the drug loses its appealing draw and gains a more powerful, physical draw.

The addicts begin to hate the drug. But what can they do? It controls them. They lost everything to it long ago; they have nothing left to lose but the drug itself.

"Do you still want to get better, Edward?" I questioned quietly.

"Yes." He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Alice looked up to me.

"Then I'm here." I breathed.

"I hate asking that of you." His voice sounded distraught.

I could almost picture the furrow of his eyebrows and the frown that would form on his lips as he said that.

"You hate it because you don't want me to get hurt, Edward. And that's completely understandable. So use_ that_, use this fear and whatever other emotions you have swirling around in your head, use _that_ to get better, as one of your core motivations." I paused, letting it set in.

"I can't get hurt if you succeed, Edward… at least not by things out of your control."

Failure: it truly was inevitable. But there was always hope, _always_. And there was always the chance that Edward's fear of my emotional pain would be enough for him to pull through, and stay clean.

It was a long shot, I admit, but it was all that I had to offer.

In situations like this, rare as they may be, you took what you could get.

"I don't think," his voice was trembling, "that I could ever express to you how _truly_ sorry I am for all this I have bestowed upon you."

It sounded like a small surrender from him.

He was not only saying sorry for what happened this afternoon, but possibly, for ever meeting me in the first place.

I tried to ignore that.

He might even be implying his apology for events yet to come.

"Yes, Edward. But you have already received forgiveness from me for the afternoon events. There was nothing to forgive. And don't be sorry for something that you have not done yet. It's a bad omen."

I didn't sleep well that night. It wasn't just thoughts of Edward that had kept me awake, but thoughts of my parents and of my friends. What would they think of all of this?

Me. Edward. Me, helping a heroin addict.

I never really portrayed the traits of someone who would be so bold to help someone in such a difficult situation.

I wasn't outstanding by any means, or extremely brave.

I was just… me.

I tried to do the right things. I always let older people go in front of me at the grocery store, even though it was a death wish. If a child dropped their stuffed animal I was the first to pick it up, even with my aversion to sticky fingers and mouths that poured out mass amounts of saliva. I turned my blinker on every time. I lent people pens, even if they were notorious for never returning them.

I did Alice's laundry without fuss when she 'simply couldn't bring herself to do so'.

If something went wrong, and no one spoke up about it, I'd quietly let someone else know, so they'd take the glory of finding the mistake.

And, that last one didn't bother me, until now.

But that was beside the point. The point is, most people wouldn't picture me doing what I'm about to do now.

I was about to get out of the shower and get dressed. Then I was going to meet up with Edward at his hotel and take him to his appointment at Lakeview Recovery Center with Dr. Tanya Denali.

I guess it was a briefing of some sort. They were going to go over his options and then if all went according to plan, see if they had a spot open in the detox clinic for him.

That was putting it in vague terms.

And through all my evaluations and educated guesses that I had made through the night, I had come up with uncertain, but reasonable reactions from the people that meant the most to me in my life, in response to my decision.

I already knew Alice's.

If I were to continue, alphabetically, Charlie would be next.

Ah, yes, my father… would turn into a steamed vegetable. He wouldn't be happy with me at all. But that was to be expected. I'm his only daughter and Edward is the _ultimate_ bad boy.

He would call it ridiculous; call _me_ ridiculous a few times maybe. He would probably try to forbid me from seeing him. He would explain to me the mess I was getting into, in his terms. And then, when I would play the adult card he would try to persuade me into leaving Edward, try to make me see _his_ side, how he would be worried sick about me all the time. When I would say that I knew what I was doing, and I would huff and scoff and remain stubborn, he would say that he's not happy about it, and that he thinks I'm making a terrible mistake. He would probably get a little emotional – a rarity - and tell me to just think about what I was doing. We'd probably both hang up after that.

How would I deal with that?

Next on the list was Jasper.

Jasper was a very good guy. He was utterly perfect for Alice. He was handsome, sweet, smart, caring; I really could go on about him. I imagine that he'd be a little shocked at first, taken aback, then maybe confused, but not for long. Then, since he was with Alice and she had accepted it, I imagine he would I knew it wasn't as simple as that. He'd probably look at me differently from then on, maybe ask how I was doing more often, and call me to just "check up". He was nice that way, but it would take some getting used to on my part.

He _should_ be pretty easy to deal with.

Then there was Renee. I silently cursed the gods for making her a worry wart. That wouldn't work in my advantage _at all_. She only wanted what was best for me, and helping a heroin addict was not exactly the definition of that, to her at least. I was still deciding for myself. She'd freak out, probably order me to move in with her – despite our differences – and get myself together. That would be her first reaction, I guess. Then she might calm down some and try to reason with me. I would explain to her that I knew what I was doing, and that even though I wasn't sure of the future, I'd be okay. I would know when to back out. She would offer to fly out. She'd start talking to herself then, saying that, "If I could just see her in person, maybe I'd be able to changer her mind." After hours – assuming she didn't get frustrated and hang up – of me explaining to her all I could think of to possibly sway her set mind, she might resign to saying she was unhappy, and worried, and sorry, and that all she wanted was for me to be happy. But I knew she wanted for herself to be just as happy too, and in order for that to be, Edward must be out of the picture.

How would I make her understand?

Next was Rob.

Rob would be in the picture long enough for him to notice Edward's effect on my life. So I couldn't just lie to him about it. It wasn't entirely his business either though. I'd probably just cross that bridge when it came. But, if I were to guess his reaction, he'd probably just laugh and say "You're kidding me, right?"

Alice's friend Rosalie was a bit of a mystery. It's not like we were great friends - more like partially friendly acquaintances. There, that sounds correct. She's just a little too put together for me. Any attempt on my part on friendly conversation was shot down by her intelligence which turned into slight arrogance at times. She was gorgeous and smart and she knew it. But she was Alice's friend, and I was Alice's friend, so we had to get along. I'm not really sure what her reaction would be. And I was beginning to wonder if she'd stay composed or lose it all together. It would be quite interesting to see her get pissed and call me a crazy person or something. As odd as it would be to come from her, I could almost actually see it.

I usually tied Emmett in with Rosalie, since he was apparently her 'serious' boyfriend. I didn't know him too well, but from his boisterous personality and ability to keep the mood light, he'd probably just laugh it off…

But I really didn't know him well enough yet.

Therefore I couldn't draw any reasonable conclusions. I had yet to see him _or_ Rosalie react to a serious situation, one that didn't include football games or shoes.

I had no clue how I'd deal with that.

But alas, I would deal. Because that's what humans do. We don't just stop working when something unexpected happens or we get confused. We formulate, justify, fix, conclude, we do anything really.

It was this thought that I carried with me as I entered the living room to find Alice repainting her finger nails.

"Hey," I said brightly.

"Hey, what time is Edward's appointment today? I forgot." She said before blowing on her hand.

"Ten thirty, but we're meeting a little earlier to talk, Edward and I, that is." I answered.

She nodded.

Sometime later, she was heading out the door to work, mumbling something about how she loathed late senior portrait admissions.

A lot of things happened last night. I think, things were resolved… to a point. I was no longer confused about the things I was before. Even though Edward had not said that he wanted my help, it was implied in his apology. And as of last night, and this morning when Edward called as promised, he still wanted to get clean.

So that was cleared up.

Other things Edward assured me of, but were quite self explanatory.

But I couldn't just sit here and lie to myself. Edward's chances were still slim, and I still had too many feelings for him. Thinking about it now made me sad. Which consequently made me all the more eager to see Edward again.

Alice and I were on better terms now. I would confide in her as much as I could in the coming months. Keeping it in obviously didn't work. Alice saw right through me, and I broke down. I'd cross that bridge though, when it came.

After flitting around the house for the morning - dusting the furniture, taking a load of laundry out of the dryer - I convinced myself that the time was extremely appropriate for me to leave and that Edward couldn't possibly be upset if I showed up just a tad early.

Driving to his hotel took a bit longer. Traffic was a bit heavy. But, I made it there on time.

I was feeling a lot of things when I pulled to a stop. I was nervous and scared for Edward. Today was a very big day. I was almost excited at the thought of change, but felt more afraid of the events to come.

So many things could happen. I couldn't possibly prepare myself for everything. I just needed to know where I stood with him and where he stood with me.

I made the trip through the lobby; the elevator was empty, but when the doors opened to Edward's floor there was an older couple waiting to get on. I smiled politely and continued the short walk to his room.

I took a deep breath outside his door, before knocking softly twice.

A few moments later Edward opened the door for me.

"Hi."

We had both said the word simultaneously.

I smiled and Edward made room for me to come in. He looked a bit on edge this morning, but was doing a good job at hiding it. His hair was extremely wild and it looked like he hadn't shaved.

The bed was made - to an extent. His suitcase was closed. I didn't see any signs of the drug. But there was something different about the room. I picked it up almost immediately, despite its small size.

There was a photo sitting on the television stand. I looked back at Edward for a moment, asking for permission to gaze at the photo more intently. He just smiled sadly and nodded.

I took two steps and picked it up. A small smile broke out on my face, but my eyebrows furrowed together in sadness.

It was a picture of Edward and his parents, I assume. He was younger, and he didn't look the same. He looked healthy. He was holding his cell phone up, displaying it to his parents, and they were both gazing at it with small smiles on his face. I wonder what he was showing them.

His father looked very handsome. He had blonde hair and light eyes from what I could tell. He was pointing at the phone.

His mother was very pretty. She had Edward's hair color and his eyes. I could see a little dimple on her face as she watched on in amusement.

They all looked so _happy_.

And I felt terrible now that I knew their fate.

"How long ago was this?" I whispered while furthering my examination of Edward's differences.

"I don't know. Two years, I guess?" He dismissed.

I nodded slowly.

"You guys seemed very happy."

I know it wasn't a very appropriate thing for me to say. Of course they were happy. But they no longer were. I was bringing that up.

I could see Edward nodding slowly from the corner of my eye.

I set the picture back down. It was bittersweet to see, really.

If it hurt me to see them so happy and normal, knowing the tragedies bestowed upon them, I couldn't _imagine_ what it did to Edward.

There was also the guilt he must have felt. Thinking about it brought tears to my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Edward." And he didn't really need to hear it. I just needed to say it.

I looked up at him. He was gazing down at me with a sad smile on his face. He nodded in response.

We left shortly after that. Edward was jumpy on the elevator. Drumming his fingers on his leg or tapping his foot impatiently.

I knew he was nervous, and scared. I was just happy he wasn't backing out yet.

"Bella, what the hell?" Edward was on edge in my car.

He didn't touch my radio, saying that only assholes did in other people's cars. But I kind of wish he did because it would give him something to do with his hands.

He asked me to lock the windows, so he could fiddle with the notch to turn it down. I looked at him curiously for a moment before I abided.

Then he began retying his shoes. It was after that he decided to become a back seat driver, even though technically he was in the front passenger seat.

"What? What did I do?" I asked frantically.

"You cut that chick off back there." He replied exasperatedly.

I didn't notice that.

I also didn't notice when it was our turn to exit the freeway. Edward caught that and luckily we got off at the right time.

Apparently I slowed down when the light was still green, which annoyed Edward to no end. I also didn't take the yellow light when I could've made it.

He also brought to my attention that I sped at unnecessary times and could save gas buy just letting my car roll down the hills and taking my foot off.

He was constantly on my case!

"Do you want to drive?!" I nearly yelled.

"Yes!" He answered at the same tone.

"Too bad!" I said immediately.

He sunk further into his seat and started biting on his nails.

We were both quiet after that.

But I had printed out the directions, which meant that at times, Edward would have to read them for me.

"Turn left on Fuhrman Avenue." He said.

I turned left.

"Okay now, on the next turn take a right." He continued. "And then almost immediately there's an intersection to Eastlake Avenue. Take that up to East Hamlin Street and it should be on that corner."

I did as he said, and soon a large building came into view. One that stuck out in its architecture, and I knew it was the place right away.

It was big… and blue. It didn't have any surrounding buildings connecting it. There were floor to ceiling windows on the upper floors. The bottom floor receded under the top two slightly.

There was a sad looking woman sitting on the bench out front. There really was no way to tell if she was just a random pedestrian or if she belonged inside there.

The parking lot was to the right, and was filled with few cars. I could hear Edward's breathing pick up beside me.

The car was silent after I parked. I turned off the heat and was about to pull the key out of the ignition when Edward stopped me.

He put his hand on mine and it was cold.

He shook his head quickly. "Please, don't."

I raised my eyebrows but abided.

Even after I pulled my hand away from his he put his back on mine. He squeezed it hard.

I looked at him again and he had his eyes shut tightly.

"Edward, look at me." I whispered.

He seemed to be having problems breathing. He took a few short breaths before he looked at me.

The emotion in his eyes was heartbreaking to see. It was fear.

Now, more than I've ever had to so far, I needed to be strong.

"You can do this." I said firmly, emphasizing the right words by squeezing his hand.

It may have been too misleading for me to voice out aloud. He may not have the strength to conquer this addiction, even with my help, even with his hope.

But I couldn't say that to him. He knows it already. It's always in the back of his mind.

Sometimes, white lies aren't always bad. They can give someone the strength they didn't know they had; to do something they didn't know they could do, something they couldn't do without the false hope.

The biggest step Edward would ever have to take for recovery was having the will and strength to start it.

So many addicts in his situation don't have that! And because of that, they will never be able to quit.

Things would get harder from here, a lot harder, but as long as he had the will, he could get through. Keeping it is almost as hard as finding it in the first place.

The sky darkened as the clouds thickened over us.

Edward and I continued looking at each other, reading each other's faces. He was breathing through his mouth, trying to calm his breathing.

He frowned slightly. Then he broke eye contact and leaned over the armrest between us to turn my car off and take the keys out of the ignition.

He let go of my hand and placed the keys there in his absence, all without looking at me, all without speaking. He looked down at my hand for a moment, seeming to hesitate. Then he pulled away and got out of the car.

I quickly put the keys in my purse and followed Edward as he made his way near the entrance. I almost had to run to catch up with him. I was getting scared. I didn't know the reason for his behavior. I just hoped he wasn't changing his mind.

His stance was defiant though. I began thinking of my earlier philosophy: _striking while the iron is hot_.

He slowed down as he neared the door. Then he stopped right in front of it, and looked down. His shoulders did not slump.

I slowed my steps as I came nearer to him, not wanting to push anything.

Was he waiting for me?

I chose not to say anything as I approached. I stood beside him, and he reached his hand out for mine. It was shaking and cold, but was not clammy.

He squeezed it to the point of restricted circulation for a few seconds, and then retained a softer grip as he put his hand on the door, and opened it.

Inside, it looked like a mix between a very modern hospital and a psychiatrist's lobby. The floors were carpeted with blue and the walls were all taupe for as far as the eye could see. The windows let in a lot of light. The furniture was mildly respectable - better than a hospital's. The walls were covered with paintings I recognized. Further on, closer to the admittance desks, were bulletin boards covered in pictures and flyers and pamphlets.

There was one other person waiting in the lobby, a middle aged man in a red sweater and tan pants. He had on a fancy watch and was currently reading the newspaper.

Did he work here or was he getting treatment?

Edward pulled my hand a little as I fell behind. He was heading toward the front desks.

They were surrounded by semi walls. Inside there looked to be linoleum covering the floors. The walls were whiter and the lights were harsher. The people behind the counter were chatting over some papers. Someone in the background was eating a donut and talking on the phone, while a game of Solitaire was going on the computer. There were three women in the front and two men in the back, all looking rather bored. They were all dressed in dress pants and wearing clean sweaters of various styles and colors. Once they saw us approaching a lady with glasses spoke.

"Is there something we can help you with?"

Edward's half smile was forced. "Yes, I'm here for my ten thirty appointment with Dr. Denali."

The lady with glasses turned around and bent under a desk. She sorted through some papers for a moment before coming up with a large stack.

Another lady on a computer, who I hadn't noticed before, spoke up.

"Ah, yes, she'll be with you in a moment. Please, have a seat."

The lady with the glasses frowned at the woman at the desk, who just laughed and said something about the advantages of technology.

I didn't catch all of it. Edward was practically sprinting, with me in tow, to a set of chairs near a peculiar looking plant.

He let out a big gust of air as he sat, slumping slightly.

His hand was sitting on the armrest. I traced my fingers over it softly, memorizing where certain freckles were.

We didn't have to wait long. Someone came out from one of the many halls. I imagined that this someone was Dr. Tanya Denali.

She was very pretty, and young, but older than me. Her hair was pulled back into a pony tail and her side bangs were perfectly sculpted to fit above her eyes and off to the side.

"Edward Cullen?" She asked.

He took my hand and sighed, then stood up.

"Yes," he said quietly.

She smiled politely. "I'm Dr. Denali. Come this way, please."

She looked at me and smiled, nodding that it was okay for me to come also. I imagined people wouldn't normally go into these things alone.

She led us through an open hall that maintained the modern hospital - mixed features. The windows still let in tones of light.

The doors were very wide, and lined the halls as the path got narrower. They had numbers in the middle, and names sticking out the side.

Dr. Denali's door wasn't far from the lobby, and she had left it open.

"Here we are," she said brightly, in conjunction with the room's lighting.

I blinked a few times like an idiot to adjust.

"Go ahead and have a seat." She said, sensing Edward's hesitance.

There were a few pictures on the walls, of who I assumed were her family. A few books were sitting on a random table. She had a large laptop on her oak desk. There were pamphlet shelves on both sides of the window behind her. We both sat down on the two chairs provided at the front of her desk, covered in blue upholstery, like the floors.

She leaned forward in her chair as her eyes scanned back and forth between Edward and I uncomfortably.

The room was completely quiet for a moment before she laughed softly.

"You both look so scared." She observed.

Edward dropped my hand and sat up a little straighter. I turned to him just in time to see him smile slightly in an attempt to join her in lightening the mood.

"Well, obviously we're here to discuss your options, Edward. You're in a very unfortunate situation but that's what we're here for, to help." She started.

We both nodded.

"In such cases as yours, we can provide supervised detoxicating here at one of our clinics, then a follow up outpatient program that involves counseling, daily or weekly, sometimes both, and we prescribe heroin substitutes to wean you off of the drug."

"Here at Lakeside, we branch out to several other centers that offer many outpatient programs too. Basically, you need to know the details of your options, Edward, before you make any decisions, okay?"

He nodded in confirmation.

"And that's" - she rolled her chair back slightly and started gathering some pamphlets - "where these come in!"

She wasn't picking them randomly, but scanning the titles, flipping through a few, putting some back, and picking what she thought were the right ones.

"Now, you'll notice we have many more outpatient programs available than inpatient. Those are more exclusive, and expensive, and often, addicts don't want to give up their normal lives." She handed Edward a few pamphlets.

He took them with trembling hands and began flipping through.

"But of course," Tanya continued as she handed me a few, "Heroin addiction is much more dangerous than other addictions. Now, most heroin addicts go through supervised detoxicating and continue an outpatient program follow up, which is fine. But to be honest with you, not many of the cases dealt with - are successful."

I looked up to her and then to Edward. He was staring at the pages with a furrowed brow.

"Ultimately, inpatient programs are more successful, but it all depends on the person. I will tell you which program I recommend you to do. That's my job. But you don't have to take my opinion. There are many other counselors just like me, all willing to help you overcome this. But first, before any big decisions are made, you must be educated."

"And," she said in a quiet tone, "It is ultimately your decision whether you follow through with any of this."

We spent a lot of time researching, asking questions, discussing, explaining, getting frustrated, and getting scared, getting confused, and making decisions.

Tanya was there to help Edward every step of the way. When he grew confused about a certain drug prescribed or how long was needed before he could quit one program and move on to another.

When Edward and I were reading together and quietly conversing, Tanya was on her laptop going through Edward's provided file.

She continued her research for a few moments before scanning through pamphlets and making phone calls to certain clinics and rehab centers.

Edward was confused… and scared. I could see it in his eyes. But there was also something else apparent in the way he spoke and looked at me - determination.

Even though this was all knew and frightening to him, he still managed to pull through it and be determined.

I admired him so much for that.

Edward hadn't really discussed with me whether he wanted to do outpatient or inpatient treatment before. So I didn't know what to think.

Throughout the time spent inside Tanya's office, he was never openly lenient towards any one treatment. He was remaining very opened minded.

Of course my only opinion on the whole thing was my stereotypical image of people in sweats sitting around a television during inpatient rehab.

I never really knew that people could be battling a drug addiction, yet still maintain fairly normal lives. I thought back to the man out in the lobby then.

Tanya explained to us that outpatient programs were so commonly used for drug and alcohol addiction because people didn't want to lose their jobs or leave their families. She even said that some buildings were purposely deceiving, like a dentists office down the street where actual narcotics anonymous meetings were held.

There were many advantages to an outpatient program.

But Tanya explained that sometimes, in order to battle an addiction, a person needed to be completely cut off from the outside world, their jobs and especially their friends. They needed complete seclusion in a place where they could find themselves and fight the craving for a drug.

It was all so much to take in. It was almost impossible to make a decision at first.

But, somehow, he did.

Tanya recommended an inpatient program. Kirkland Adult Residential Rehab center offered what she suggested. Edward should be prescribed Buprenorphine as his antagonist drug. He should enter Kirkland tomorrow, under mild or moderate heroin withdrawal, and be given the drug. During the first week he would be monitored daily to establish a routine for taking it.

She estimated that he should spend six to eight weeks there, under going counseling, meetings, and lectures to understand heroin, and its addiction. Visiting hours were sketchy at first, but after the patient settled they'd be on a normal schedule.

The amount of time he stayed would ultimately be up to him, so long as he had the money to pay for it.

And as she explained what she thought was best, Edward nodded, but kept an indifferent expression upon his face.

I didn't know what to think.

But then he spoke, determinedly, saying he would do it.

He chose inpatient.

I hadn't noticed how long we had stayed in there. By the time we got out it was one o'clock.

We had both learned so much today, about the drug, about its effects, its treatment.

It was a lot to take in. And I was proud that Edward made it through.

Tanya had said to both of us that we were very lucky that a Buprenorphine clinic even existed near Seattle. She said it was a new treatment that had very good results on its patients.

She explained to us the options of methadone, and several other antagonistic drugs. But Buprenorphine seemed to be the most promising. Some users even called it their miracle drug, but Tanya told us not to place all our bets on it.

Tanya directed Edward to a room where he would take a urine test, which apparently helped administer how much to give him on the first day by measuring his levels of heroin.

I was about to head to the lobby and wait for him when Tanya stopped me.

"Bella, correct?" She asked.

I half smiled and nodded.

"There's something I'd like to discuss with you, if you don't mind." She explained softly.

She put her hand softly on my shoulder and stared at me intently for a moment.

"I'd just like to praise you on remaining so brave throughout all this,"

I waited for her to go on.

"It is a very difficult task for anyone to take on. But, there's something you must understand."

"Whatever feelings Edward may have for you, they won't be as strong as the feelings he has for heroin. Remember that."

She left with a polite nod and went back into her office as I nodded slowly, her words sinking in.

**I'm giving you some explanation for what went on in the chapter first and foremost. I've never been to rehab! Well, not really anyways. My sister was in rehab and treatment centers from the time she was 14 (I was 8) till she was a senior in high school. Whenever my family and I went to visit her, I saw what it was like. He he, not fun. Lots of people in sweats though. So, research. I did a LOT of research, and combined with common sense, this chapter was born. If you have any concerns, point them out and I'll see what I can do. Also, Tanya doesn't have to ALWAYS be a slut in fanfiction.... she really wasn't one in the series but, okay. No love triangle in this story, AT ALL. AND, what Tanya said at the end there was a hundred percent true, don't let the whole "Edward and Bella are soul mates so he must be strong enough to get better" belief get in the way. **

**Thanks.  
**


	10. Time

**This chapter is dedicated to the ever lovely, juststatingtheobvious. She's my 100th reviewer so I thought she deserved something special! **

I waited in the lobby for Edward. I was feeling a lot of things at that moment, anticipation mixed with anxiousness.

I was relieved too, but only to an extent. Yes, Edward had accomplished an extremely important task today, but it was nothing, _nothing_ compared to what he had to face in the future. It was scary, uncertain, and unforgiving. One slip up and that's it. You're back to where you started.

While educating us, there was one story in particular Tanya had told that bothered me. It was about a young couple who were both users of heroin. One day the young woman finds out she's pregnant and they both decide to stop using till the baby's born - but after that, they go back, steal money from their parents, and neglect their child. Then, after much encouragement from their family, they both quit again. The young man is the first to go back. The young woman goes back soon after, but hides it and lies. Time goes by, things get out of control, and the couple gets sicker, more desperate, and consequently more careless. It gets to the point where the young woman's sister visits their apartment one day to see the child in the bathtub – filling with water – and the mother nodding off on the bathroom floor. The young man is no where to be seen. If the sister hadn't shown up then, the baby would have drowned.

Not only was this story just plain disturbing, it was a major dose of reality for Edward and I. This couple had so much to care for, so much responsibility, all in a little baby. They had the biggest motivation of all, and yet… they couldn't quit. Not then, and apparently not ever. The parents of the young woman took custody of the child and its mother just ended up disappearing. They don't know what happened to her, or her boyfriend for that matter. They just… lost contact.

And even though our story wasn't like theirs at all, it still shared the same hopelessness of the drug.

But then there were the stories that contradicted this. The stories where the users took Buprenorphine specifically and never went back to heroin. They called it their miracle drug. They said it was as if they never even took heroin in the first place.

I couldn't let myself hope for success like _that_. It would only hurt more, if in fact, Edward could not get better.

I couldn't be naïve any longer. I could believe in Edward, for his sake, but I could never let myself think, even dream, of a clean Edward. If I did, that picture would stay in my mind, and I'd believe it to be real after a while. When in reality, that may never happen.

After learning the intense, harsh realities of heroin today, things were bound to change for me. But one thing stayed the same, and that was my decision to help Edward. My loyalty to him was unwavering. I hoped that it was enough to make a difference for us… to make a difference for _Edward_. I would no longer think of the distant future, rather I would just think about the now, the tasks at hand. If I did this, everything would just fall into place on its own, good or bad.

For the challenges we would face, the actual preparations would involve Edward's rehab accommodating the both of us. Tanya explained there were certain lectures we could both attend weekly; each speech serving its own separate purpose on educating a certain topic of the addiction. I found my self looking forward to them. They could only help us.

"Bella?" I looked up to see Edward in front of me with a half smile on his face.

I smiled. "Hey."

He reached his hand out for mine. I accepted it and he pulled me up, maintaining the small connection as we walked.

"So," I started. "Detox tomorrow…"

He nodded once. "Nine o'clock sharp at Kirkland."

"You'll be in slight withdrawal then?" I looked up at him through the corner of my eyes.

"Yes," he sighed.

"And then…?"

"Blackout," he finished.

Blackout was the term they used to describe the time from admittance and the beginning of detox to the time when they were no longer physically dependent on heroin, but their new antagonist drug. During this time, Edward wouldn't be allowed to see or talk to anyone outside of the center. It was going to be difficult, but they insisted the blackout was crucial for his ability to focus on his new goals, and adjust to his new life without the drug.

It would be scary for both of us. I still couldn't quite grasp the fact that I would not be able to see or speak with Edward for three full days.

But it needed to happen. Edward had to detox and I couldn't be there with him.

Walking to my car I noticed that the clouds were clearing up slightly and the sun was fighting to shine through. Maybe it would be a nice day after all.

"It'll be okay, Edward." I half smiled at him. "They'll take care of you."

He breathed a laugh before letting go of my hand and trailing over to the passenger side.

Once the car was started and the heat was on, I turned to Edward. He looked up at me from under his eyelashes before quickly glancing down to his hands folded in his lap.

"Edward, I-- I'm so proud of you." I tried to smile even though he wasn't really looking. "You astound me. Everything about you, your strength, your courage, your determination… you're amazing, Edward."

He still refused to look up at me, picking absently at his finger nail. I timidly reached over the armrest and took his hand in mine. His gaze shifted to my fingers.

"I know - I know you're scared now. But I'm not giving up on you. Not today, not ever… as long as you want my help."

His eyes met mine then, lighting up in a small, reassuring smile. His right hand drifted up to my face as he leaned closer. Softly, he brushed a stray strand of hair behind my ear, eyes tracing his movements. His cold fingers lingered near my ear and goose bumps erupted on my neck. I closed my eyes reflexively and sighed.

"Thank you," Edward spoke, his voice a normal volume.

My eyes snapped open. He blinked once before pulling away. I sat suspended over the armrest between us for a moment before returning more fully to my seat.

This small moment between us unearthed conflicts; conflicts that I couldn't sit here and try to formulate a way to resolve without going crazy. I cared for Edward in many ways, romantic included. But I couldn't even dream of acting on those feelings yet, it would complicate things greatly. Having a romantic relationship with someone is difficult enough without having the stress of heroin addiction and rehab. The logical side of me knew that one between us would only hurt more than not having one in the first place. It was just too complicated. But it didn't change my feelings. I still wanted him.

Edward's tender caresses somewhat displayed his affection for me, whether it was just friendly or not, I couldn't be sure. Sometimes though, when I looked into his eyes, I saw something – something that led me to think he may want me too.

He had to know though – him especially – that anything deeper than a friendship between us at the moment wasn't smart.

But then again, how do you stop two people - who want each other - from being together? No matter what the situation is, you can't deny that instinct. If something is meant to be, it will happen.

_Meant to be_.

Did Edward and I fit into that category?

I began backing out of the parking space, glancing at Edward once before turning my attention back to the space behind us. He was gazing out the window thoughtfully. He was beautiful. I had feelings for him.

Could I suppress them long enough for him to get better?

What if he never got better?

Those feelings would still be there. Nothing Edward could do would change that.

_Meant to be_.

Well, obviously, something about us was meant to be. He came into my life yesterday, and changed it completely today. Things like that don't just happen for the hell of it.

I took a deep breath. I just had to arrange my priorities. Maybe then I could stop worrying about the future and deeper feelings.

I had to help Edward get better.

Everything else could wait. Getting Edward clean was all I had bargained to do in the first place; it was the only thing that really mattered.

Not a romantic relationship with him, not the possibility of never being able to express my true feelings. Just Edward. Just getting him better.

I felt very protective of him all of a sudden. He was slouching in his seat, forehead against the cold window, lost in thought. His stance reminded me of that of a child's. He looked vulnerable. I wanted to take care of him. He deserved it after all he had done today.

I was about to ask him if he wanted lunch but he spoke before me.

"Will you take me to the zoo?"

My eye brows furrowed but I smiled nonetheless.

"The zoo?" I repeated.

"Yeah, I don't know. I just saw a sign advertising it. I figured it would be a good way to spend my last afternoon…like _this_ for awhile."

I gazed at him through the corner of my eyes. "Sure. We can go to the zoo."

…

After paying the small fee to get in, Edward and I wandered the scarcely populated park for a few hours. It was a good distraction for the both of us – taking our minds off of the looming future for a few moments at a time. And as the day wore on, I got a better understanding of why Edward had wanted to come here in the first place. It distracted him, yes, but it was also a way to say farewell from the monotony he grew used to. He still had heroin in his system, he still felt human in an odd, drug addict way. He was experiencing a trip to the zoo under conditions that he wouldn't have to face again. This was kind of it for him. After tomorrow, there was no telling where he'd be three months from now…

Six months from now…

A year from now.

And of course, he certainly wouldn't be able to go to the zoo whenever he pleased like this, for a while.

We were having a good time. Both of us acting oblivious to the darkness that lay ahead; sometimes forgetting for a moment the situation we were in. It wasn't easy for me to just drop my worries. But after awhile I just grew tired of over thinking it. This was the last time things would be mildly normal for us, everything was changing, and quickly. So after a few internal arguments, I just thought: screw it. There was no point in putting a damper on this trip when there would be plenty of time to act depressed in the future.

For now, it was just Edward and me, in a zoo, trying to outrun our problems-- if only for a moment.

If Edward was still worrying, he did a good job at pretending – always smiling and joking with me. I had never seen him so happy. And it made me happy and sad at the same time; happy to see him enjoying himself, but sad to know that even if it wasn't a charade, it would all disappear with time.

Then it just made me desperate to relish in it - every laugh, every smile, even every meaningful look my way - made me anxious as time wore on.

I should have known not to leave Edward unattended. Better yet, I should have known not to leave Edward unattended _after_ going into the gift shop with him and gushing over all the cute stuffed animals and other souvenirs… but I had to go to the bathroom.

I dragged my feet apprehensively to Edward. He was holding a plastic shopping bag. At least it wasn't obnoxiously large. He had an anxious smile on his face as I approached, which led me to believe the gift was indeed for me.

I furrowed my eyebrows as he offered it to me.

"I got you something…"

I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I humored him. Opening the bag I pulled out a medium sized stuffed lion. I recognized it immediately. It was the one I had aimed most of my 'awws' at. I couldn't help it though. The little thing was in a seated position, an innocent expression on its face. Its mane was soft - not made out of that annoying material that just gets knotted - and best of all, it reminded me of Edward.

During the safari tour we had passed the lion exhibit. The instructor made a few comments during the introduction about lion's being courageous and brave and I couldn't help but think of Edward.

So once inside the gift shop, that had been strategically placed at the exit of the tour, I scoured the store for fun and saw the little lion and fell in love. Silly, I know. It's only a stuffed animal, but it was really cute nonetheless.

I stroked it absently and smiled. "This wasn't necessary but… thank you."

His face lit up slightly. "So you like it?"

I half smiled. "I love it."

With most of the exhibits visited, we took a seat on a bench outside the store. The sun was now hidden by the clouds and the air held certain coolness. It was also getting pretty late.

But I didn't want to think about that yet.

"I had fun today, Edward." I told him honestly.

His head was resting against the back of the bench, eyes closed. I had a small sense of déjà vu for a moment. Edward had looked similar to this just yesterday at the airport: tired, even solemn in his silence. Perhaps the day's events were just wearing down on him… perhaps he needed a fix.

I shook my head and turned away, closing my eyes tightly. I didn't want this day to end. I didn't want to say goodbye again without the promise of tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

But there was no escaping it. The zoo would close; we would most likely leave before then. Edward would return to his hotel. I would return to my apartment. Alice and I would talk. I'd sleep restlessly with worry over the next day's events. And then I'd get to see Edward. Except this time, I would be saying goodbye.

If things worked out like we both wanted, it would only be for a little while. We'd see each other as much as we could while he was in rehab.

But we had to get through the blackout first.

Edward sighed after a moment. "Me too," he agreed.

Silence set in after that. I gazed at Edward for a few minutes, memorizing everything I could about his face. I really was going to miss him. And I had only known him for two days.

Yet in those two days I had changed as a person. I started understanding more about relationships and connections and how they formed. I also matured some.

It was a humbling experience – meeting Edward. How many times had I said in the past: 'Why me?' How many times had I put myself before everyone else for the silliest of reasons?

Even though I rarely believed it, _I was lucky_. I had two parents, great friends, and a freaking published book! But I didn't get a long with my parents. I didn't always act the way I should act around my friends, often being the 'party pooper' or 'fun sucker'. And to top it off, I actually complained about being on my book tour. I had enjoyed it at first. It was a new and exciting experience for me. But then it just got old, and I got frustrated.

What the hell was my problem?

There were so many other people who had it much worse. Who's to say that I even had it 'worse' at all? I was highly privileged.

Edward had problems and a past that was mind bottling. It takes someone extremely strong to make it through what he had _alive_. Not just physically, but emotionally too. As a person.

I knew that Edward wasn't dead inside. Today had proved that. He still has a heart, still has a brain that pushed him to stay alive. And he's doing it.

With nothing left, he managed to leave the influences of New York, pick up everything, and travel to a new place, alone, with a single planned appointment with a rehab counselor. Nothing else was certain after that.

And then I came along and everything changed. I was happy that I found Edward yesterday. So unbelievably happy. Even though logically, I had no reason to be. I should be scared out of my mind. I shouldn't be hopeful for Edward. But I am, and I'm here.

Because of _him_.

Edward.

He's the reason for everything.

And even though it was wrong and dangerous, I quickly saw him becoming _my _everything.

There was no stopping it.

Some things were just _meant to be_.

I said a silent prayer for Edward's well being to no one in particular, and opened my eyes.

He was still resting his head on the bench, but his eyes were open now and he was gazing up at the sky, pondering.

"Penny for your thoughts," I said before realizing that I didn't have a penny. I always put them in the coin tray in the kitchen. Damn.

He didn't smile, but he didn't brush it off either. "I was just thinking about turning back time." His voice was solemn. "I would do so many things different." He shook his head. "There were so many times when I could've made my parents proud and didn't, when I was a kid, when I was an adult. I did things without a second thought, always thinking I had time to make up for it… one day." He smiled at me from the corner of his eyes. "I ran out."

I frowned but didn't say anything.

"And then I started thinking about how I could make it up to them somehow, you know? By doing well in rehab and getting somewhat of a normal life back. It's wishful thinking, I know. But then I just thought: 'screw it.' It wouldn't make a difference to them no matter what I did. They're gone. I lost my chance. We get this one life for a reason - if we don't use our time wisely, that's our choice - but once it's gone, it's gone. My time to make my parents happy has come and gone, and there's nothing I can do for them now." He was gazing up at the sky, calmly, as he spoke.

I couldn't help but disagree with him. It was my personal belief that our loved ones that passed, were aware of our being somehow, maybe not in the dramatic sense of 'always watching over you'. But something along the lines that when they died, they're love and protection did not. Things like that can't be destroyed, not with death nor time.

But it was a tricky thing to explain to someone without offending them. If that was Edward's personal belief on life, who was I to change that?

I wanted to comfort him somehow though. It was a depressing thought to think that after death there wasn't some form of an afterlife. But for some people, that's the truth they chose to believe.

"I think your parents know how you're doing now, Edward."

He side glanced at me, disapprovingly.

I held my finger up. "You explained your beliefs, let me explain mine." He sighed, turning his attention back to the sky, allowing me to continue.

"Love is a very powerful thing, Edward. And if you don't believe in life after this, fine. But I can't help but think that at least love can defy death in some way. It's this love that I believe your parents still feel towards you. It's this love that makes me feel they're aware of you, wherever they are."

He was frowning slightly, but didn't look like he was going to protest… but Edward was such a roller coaster of emotions that he still needed reassuring.

I forced a laugh. "Okay, so don't believe that your parents still watch you and care about you. Whatever. But don't get so lost yet… you still have me. _I'm_ still here. My time hasn't run out yet."

He sat up and narrowed his eyes at me. I leaned in closer to him.

"You can still make things right."

…

Our time at the zoo managed to run out, despite our reluctance. It was just one of those things that you can't stop. It was dark out by the time we left. The ride to Edward's hotel was a quiet one, both of us drained and one of us on the brink of beginning heroin withdrawal. He did a good job at hiding it though.

As we pulled into the hotel parking lot, my chest tightened with the knowledge of our coming separation. I felt that same longing as I did at the zoo, only this time I couldn't just brush it off and go onto the next exhibit. This was, in a sense, the end of the road for us – the road that led us to rehab. Everything after this would be a new chapter, a new beginning in the literal sense for Edward.

I parked and the silence in the car suddenly seemed so deafening. There were so many things left unsaid.

My eyebrows furrowed as the reality of tonight's challenge set in. Edward would have to be in moderate withdrawal tomorrow morning in order to begin detox. If he didn't, the physical affects would be painfully amplified.

So they were basically asking Edward to take his last hit tonight, which was fine. It was what he needed to do.

Would he be able to quit, though? Taking heroin is like clockwork for him. Would he be able to refuse the pull once that time came around again?

"You okay, Bella?" Edward's voice broke me from my newfound fretting.

I turned to him with a lingering expression of fear.

"What's wrong?" he asked seriously.

He was aware of this, certainly. Why wasn't he afraid?

I couldn't just outright ask him if he could do it. For one, it would display a weakness in my trust, for two, he might not know. And that wouldn't soothe my worries. I could only hope that he read my questions in my gaze.

What if he couldn't do it? What if I came to him tomorrow morning to find he overdosed? What if things got so bad during the night that he realized he couldn't do it and sent me away? What if he decided he needed more _time_?

Something came over me then – the fear of losing him. A sob broke free and I flung myself to him, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck and just trying to get as close to him as possible.

"Bella?" He sounded worried but tightened his own grasp on me in response. He rubbed up and down by back a few times as I tried to hold in my tears. "Bella," he sighed.

It was no use. I couldn't hold the ridiculous tears any longer.

"I'm scared," I cried. And at that moment, I really was. I was terrified of losing him.

"Why?" he asked.

I swallowed and squeezed him tighter. "Tonight-- t-tomorrow…?" I managed to gasp.

He rubbed my back in quicker strokes. "Bella…" He sounded like a parent trying to convince their kid that the boogie monster wasn't real. "I'll be okay."

He pulled away slightly. My arms were strewn loosely around his neck, his hand were on my shoulders.

"I _want_ to do this." He tilted his head closer to mine. "My decision's not going to change tomorrow morning."

He lifted a hand and brushed some tears away.

"How do you _know_?" I whimpered.

He half smiled. "Because I've already proved to you and myself that I can go into moderate withdrawal, as long as there's the promise of something at the end. Tomorrow, there's the promise of never having to go back peacefully.

I frowned.

He continued. "Bella, I'm not going to make this harder on myself by taking a hit when I shouldn't. You know that will only make withdrawal worse in the long run. I told you, I want to do this. I'm not going to mess up tomorrow."

I nodded and sighed, feeling a little more at ease. His words were comforting, and the way he said them, added to the effect.

He _wanted_ to do this.

And I knew this all along, didn't I?

Maybe… maybe I just needed to be able to see it to completely grasp it.

I didn't want to be one of those people, but apparently I was.

I wouldn't be as worry free as I had fooled myself into being at the zoo today for a long time. But perhaps, once Edward had settled into rehab, these worries and anxieties would be assuaged with the knowledge that he was in a secure environment.

I could only hope…

"Okay?" Edward checked for approval.

I nodded and pulled him close once again, resting my head on his shoulder and breathing in his scent, storing it away for memory.

And I was okay - for now. I was in Edward's arms and he was in mine. He still wanted to get clean and I believed that I could trust him to make it through the night and be ready for tomorrow.

What other choice did I have?

…

"I'm so relieved!" Alice breathed with her hand over her chest.

I had just relayed the day's important events to her. She deserved to know. From the moment I walked in she was waiting anxiously for me to update.

I nodded.

"Oh, Bella, you're doing great!" She exclaimed this quickly in response to my vacant expression.

"Thanks," I sighed. "I'm just really tired right now. Emotionally and physically draining day…"

She nodded in understanding.

That night we finished _The Three Amigos_. I couldn't pretend to be worry free though. I tried to, but was just too tired.

I felt really lucky to have a friend like Alice though. She had been nothing but understanding and sympathetic from the beginning. And I knew that she'd always be there for me.

She took care of me in many ways that night; letting me lean my head on her shoulder as sleep over took me, shutting the television off when the movie was finished, covering me up with a blanket, setting my alarm…

I thanked her for many things the next morning. She just assured me that it was no problem and wished me luck for the day. She also turned around with worry and said to be careful. I assured her that I would.

It was the least I could do.

Edward texted me and said he was ready.

After gathering a few gifts so was I. In the technical sense.

I was so nervous that I threw up, just when I thought I was ready to leave. I sat on the bathroom floor for a few moments as the room spun around me.

There was nothing I could do to avoid this upcoming event. It was practically here. I knew it. Edward knew it.

And we needed it.

I couldn't be afraid of it any longer.

I had to let Edward go.

I had to trust him.

As I brushed my teeth for the second time that morning, I gained some confidence. But it was mostly just the fact that I now had to rush after my little shenanigan with the toilet.

I had no choice.

I didn't want one.

The next thing I know I'm pulling into the hotel parking lot again.

Butterflies swirled in my stomach as I made my way out of the car, onto sidewalk, through the entrance, into the lobby.

Edward was there waiting for me, his luggage in tow, and a forced smile in place. I gave him one of my own, and walked up to him.

As I got closer, I noticed there was a layer of sweat across his forehead. His skin took on a sickly tone again and he looked exhausted. I took this as a good sign. Edward appeared to be following the rules.

The trip to Kirkland would take us at least a half hour, depending on traffic. And for that, I was thankful. Just a little more time with Edward…

He wasn't in the greatest mood, but I could tell he was trying for my sake.

We didn't talk about the more serious topics until later in the trip, when our time was _really_ running out.

We were pulling into the final road that would take us to the center. Trees surrounded us and the sun failed to peak through.

"I just want to remind you of how proud I am." I said quickly in a high voice.

Edward sniffled. He had been doing that all morning. It was another side effect. "I know."

"You've made it this far," I took a deep breath. "Don't give up."

I pulled through the clearing and Kirkland finally came into view. It too was surrounded by trees, very secluded. There was a large, main building covered in bricks. Bordering the trees were a chain of white, one story houses. Together, they looked like a motel. The place looked dated even from the outside.

But I admired its location, secluded from the hostility of the city, deep inside the forest.

I bit my lip as I put the car in park. We were here. This was it.

Edward was biting at his sweatshirt sleeve as he sat tensely, staring out the window.

Even though I wasn't the one about to go through detox, I was extremely nervous: I had to say goodbye to him. Everything from the past two days led up to this, to this moment of change. Life wouldn't continue the same after this.

I put my hand on Edward's shoulder, feeling the familiar spark that had – in a way – started it all.

"You'll be okay, Edward." I said quietly.

He took a few deep breaths but continued chewing on his sleeve in a desperate manner.

I found that I was the one sniffling this time. "We don't want to keep them waiting."

He nodded before releasing his sweater from his teeth and turning to me. His eyes were wide, nearly black – his pupils were _so_ dilated. I don't think I've ever seen eyes so black outside of a vampire movie.

And it scared me, but not as much as the coming separation.

"I should go," he trailed off.

We both looked simultaneously towards the building. He would soon go in and get admitted. And I'd leave him here. I looked at the dashboard for the time. We were already late.

I nodded. We both got out of the car. The doors slammed. The sound was amplified. Everything seemed so surreal. I was beginning to feel lightheaded.

This really _was_ it.

Edward grabbed his lone suitcase; I grabbed my two gifts, realizing that I had to give them to him now or never. So soon…

He walked around the car before setting his luggage down, staring at me.

I offered him my little gift. It was simple, a journal, and my book on top, wrapped in a blue cloth bow.

"Here, I brought these for you." I stammered. "It-- It's a journal incase you might need one, and my book incase you get bored."

He looked down at the gift, before taking it into his hands. I saw his eyes soften. He bit his lip when he looked back up at me. Then he placed the gifts on the roof of my car without a second glance, before pulling me to him and lifting me off the ground.

I could barely breathe but it didn't matter. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and contemplated never letting him go.

"Thank you so much, Bella." He whispered this quietly before kissing me on my head. "You mean so much to me." He continued on in a quieter tone. "Thank you."

He kissed me again but this time on my ear. Goose bumps erupted on the spot and traveled down my neck. He sat me down, but didn't put any space between us. He titled his head down towards mine, and it was then that I could see he was crying. His eye lashes were wet, and there were tears streaming down his face relentlessly.

"Oh, Edward," I whimpered, pulling him closer. "I'm going to miss you so much."

He sobbed harder into my shoulder. "I have to go…"

I held him tighter for a moment before nodding and abruptly pulling myself away from him.

He sniffled as he picked up his gifts and luggage.

The path to the entrance grew shorter too soon. The doors were in front of us now. Edward laughed – or cried – hysterically before we went in. I gazed up at him in question. He dug around in his coat pocket before pulling out his cell phone.

"I almost forgot, I can't have this here." He placed it in my hand after shutting it off.

And then we opened the doors, and were greeted with a dated room that had the same vibe that Lakeside had yesterday – uncertainty I had named it.

The floors were covered in industrial carpet and the walls were covered in brick. The layout was similar to Lakeside, just scaled down a few sizes. The room had only one other door, one with no windows, no way to hint at what was behind it.

At the end of the room, there was a large area cut out of the wall, office space was visible behind the lady at the desk.

Edward wiped his eyes and took a deep breath before treading over to her. I followed him but found it harder to compose myself.

She gazed at us with a rueful smile as we neared.

"Hi, I'm Edward Cullen".

The woman nodded cheerfully and found his file immediately.

"Okay, it appears they're all ready for you. Come on back." She said this getting up from her chair and disappearing from sight.

Edward fisted his hand in his hair and groaned. I wrapped my arms around his waist. He didn't respond.

"It'll be okay, Edward. You can do this." I whispered repeatedly into his chest.

I had to do something, _anything_ now. Whether he needed the assurance or not, or whether it was because he was losing hope, I had to talk to him. I had to make sure that when I left this building, I wouldn't regret not encouraging him enough.

"I really am going to miss you… but I know you'll do fine, Edward." I squeezed him harder, not caring if my words were too wistful.

"I know you will," he whispered.

The door unlatched behind us and suddenly another presence was in the room.

We had to say good bye.

Edward wrapped an arm around me and squeezed me tightly before whispering, "I have to go."

And that was it.

I clung to him desperately and sobbed even harder. He leaned down to my ear.

"I'll think of you always."

And then he pulled away, grabbed his luggage, and left.

I didn't turn around to watch.

**I'd really like to know your thoughts on this chapter... kinda nervous.  
**

**Those of you waiting for some ExB action, I only ask for your patience.**

**Still bored? Check out my oneshot _Just South of Knowing_, written for the "For My Valentine" Contest. I just did it for fun though.**

**Thanks for reading!  
**


	11. Patience

**I don't know why I forgot to say this at the beginning of the last chapter but the story at the beginning (about the young man and woman and a baby) was true.**

**Thank you for all the generous reviews last chapter! :)**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY.  
**

In a way, the gray sky above me reflected my mood. It certainly wasn't happy, maybe a little sad, but not necessarily to the point of tears. The clouds were empty of any other color. As I lay on a bench, trying not to look like a homeless person, I felt vacant in the same way.

I couldn't bring myself to cry. I couldn't laugh. I couldn't bite my nails and furrow my brows in worry. All I could do was think. I had drowned so deep in my thoughts that I found myself slowly slipping away from the exterior of everything. No matter what went on in my head at that moment, I wouldn't be able to express it physically.

I liked this. I didn't want to cry these three days away. What good could it possibly bring? I needed to be alone with my thoughts, and this was the perfect opportunity. I was happy that I could leave the emotions of despair behind while I thought about things. It took a lot of concentration, and complete silence.

I achieved this by driving to one of my favorite piers. It had a magnificent view of the ocean on one side, the city on the other, and in the distance, mountains. There weren't many people here, it was a cold weekday. I couldn't really feel the wind though.

I had talked to Charlie the day I took Edward to rehab. I was sad to find that his reaction wasn't what I expected - okay, well, I couldn't _really_ say that. I didn't tell him everything. What confused me was the fact that when I tried to tell him about it, he brushed it to the side, like it meant nothing at all. He claimed he had to catch a flight to London, and that'd he'd talk to me later. Later in this case meant anywhere from five days to three weeks.

That's just the way we worked.

When he had called, I was so nervous and edgy that I contemplated not telling him. But then there was a pause in the conversation, so I decided to go in. I told him I had met someone.

Every parent should know that when their adult child says those words, they mean they've connected with someone on a romantic, dating level, and that they thought the person was important enough to mention in their lives. I knew Edward wasn't that to me, but it was an easy way to peak my dad's interest.

Or so I thought.

After I said those words, he pretended like he didn't hear them. Or he used his selective hearing and decided now was not the time to discuss my romantic life.

Whatever the case may be, the conversation concluded ten seconds later.

He didn't _want_ to know.

And that fact hurt me.

In another light though, I understood.

Charlie and I did not have a good relationship by any means. After he and Renee divorced and I moved with her, he was hurt. But there was nothing I could do about that. Charlie's an airline pilot; he's out of the house for two, three weeks at a time. Living there wouldn't work out. So, in turn for not being able to be there for me in everyday life, he made it his goal to control my education. We argued about that. He set high standards for me, and I strived to make him happy, but at the same time it was all very stressful. He and Renee argued a lot over that.

When I'd visit him in the summer, it would all start out well enough. I noticed though, that not much had changed since I'd left. The house looked _exactly_ the same. Charlie had lost weight too. I didn't say anything at first because I was young and afraid. When I visited my junior year though, I confronted him. It was entirely obvious that he had not moved on from us, from Renee. He didn't date. He didn't make any effort to change things. It was like he stopped aging emotionally.

As it turns out, he was furious with me. The conversation didn't go well at all.

He was in denial.

So I left, and I came back during the summer before college. I worked up the courage to once again confront him about the difficult topic. It was silly to do, but I was young, and all I wanted was for him to get better. That was probably the second to the last straw with him.

I'm pretty sure the very last straw was when I didn't further continue my education into psychology.

We had always been distant with each other, even when I still lived with him. But as the years went by - and he remained unchanged while I grew up and made silly decisions - we were both hardened. And it became clear to me that the distance between us would remain this way. He couldn't change. I'm not sure if he even wants to any more. In a way, he just sort of gave up. He didn't want my help.

So I stopped trying.

And then suddenly, it just became normal not to talk to him for weeks at a time. When we did talk, our conversations were short, as if to just make sure the other was alive and well. It was a sad situation.

But it was a hopeless one too.

I only shed a few tears after I finished talking to him.

It wasn't that he didn't care. It was just that he didn't care _enough_.

I was an adult now. I could make my own decisions. I was my own responsibility. Just as he didn't want my help, I didn't want his. So he gave up too.

Perhaps I would tell Charlie about Edward when he _wanted_ to hear. I really couldn't do anything else. I'm sure that then, I would get some reaction along the lines of what I predicted.

There was nothing I could do about this now, though.

It was day three of Edward's detox. At first, I tried not thinking about him. I gave up on that about four minutes into my ride back home.

How could I possibly _not_ think of him?

I worried about him like crazy. And the part that sucks about all of this, is that there isn't any way to assuage it.

I have absolutely _no way_ of knowing Edward's current condition. I can't just call them and ask to check up on him. That stuff is confidential, and I'm not immediate family. I may be all he has at the moment, but I don't get any special rights.

I would be in the dark until I heard from Edward.

Maybe I'd get lucky and he'd call tomorrow.

Maybe I wouldn't hear from him until the weekend.

It's sad, and unfair, and I'll probably go prematurely gray because of it, but there's nothing I can do.

In the mornings, I catch up on housework. I speak with about ten people all pertaining to my book. Then, I just drive.

Today, my wanderings took me to this pier.

I spend my days just outside, in coffee shops, book stores, looking but not seeing.

Thinking about Edward right now is like breathing for me. Worrying about him is like blinking. And just as I had drowned myself in my thoughts and retreated to my mind, Edward's memory had engulfed me in the same degree.

He had that much of an affect on me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

Some happy music could be heard, echoing quietly through the speakers placed nearer to land. It lulled me into something. Not sleep, but a place where the only thought flowing through my mind was the darkness behind my eye lids.

My eyes later snapped open to find that it was dark out, and the music had stopped. I sat up abruptly and the first feeling I had was that of loneliness. I moved my hair out of my face and placed my feet on the ground. It wasn't devastatingly dark. Harsh lights were illuminating sections of the pier. The city was glowing. But the sky was black. It was time for me to go.

This day wasn't entirely different than the day before. In a way, they were identical. I spent a lot of time thinking, away from my apartment, away from my friends. I always stayed till sundown, as not to worry Alice.

She was worried about me, and always insisted we talk when I arrived back home, but I knew she understood that I needed space. Being distracted might not be the best thing for me right now. I needed to remain focused on the prize - on being able to speak with Edward again.

The ride back was uneventful, passing in a blur. As soon as I neared our door I heard voices. Opening it, I was greeted with a view of Alice and Jasper on the couch watching television. They both smiled up at me.

"Hey, Bella, how have you been?" Jasper asked.

I smiled. And it felt funny. "Not too bad. How about yourself?"

He smiled back. "I've been good."

Before Alice had left this morning, I had made it a point to her to warn Jasper that I needed to tell him something important. She said she'd ease him into the situation as best as she could. She gazed at me unflinchingly.

"Jasper," I sighed, "I assume Alice told you that there was something I needed to tell you."

He sat up further as understanding dawned on his face. "Yeah, you met someone?"

I told him, in a nutshell, the story of how I came about to helping a heroin addicted stranger. The most important thing, for me, to get across was sympathy for Edward. I had to make sure that whoever I told about him, could in a way _understand_ him like I did. Most people automatically treat addicts with disgust because they believe that they brought on their own problems. _Which they did_. But a lot of times, people don't understand _why_. Sometimes, that's the most important point.

Sometimes, it changes everything.

He remained quiet and respectful throughout, but as I finished his brow furrowed and he looked a mixture of confusion and worry. "Bella, I- I don't know what to say. I just –"

I shook my head as my eyes began welling up. I didn't know why I was crying all of a sudden. I hadn't cried all day.

Alice put her hand on his shoulder. "Shhh, Jasper. It's a difficult topic for her to discuss right now.

I sniffled. "It's okay, Alice. He can say what he wants."

He looked panicked for a second. "No, Bella. It's not that. Trust me. I don't have a problem with it but -" He turned to Alice. "Can I talk to her alone for a second?"

She looked confused for a moment before her expression softened and she nodded. "I'll be in my room."

Jasper leaned on the edge of the sofa as he folded his hands.

Smiling, he shook his head. "This is dangerous, Bella."

I stared down at my feet.

"Can I tell you a story?" I glanced up to see he looked apprehensive, shy.

My eyebrows furrowed but I nodded.

He took a deep breath. "I used to have a friend – his name was Peter. We uh, hung out in high school a lot. And I'm not going to bore you with the details of our friendship. I'm going to get right to the point." He looked me square in the eyes. "Peter became addicted to cocaine."

He looked down at his hands before continuing. "Now, I've never gotten into that type of shit. Peter just had a lot of friends and somehow managed to get sucked into that world." He laughed humorlessly. "I should've just left him when I noticed the change… but he was my best friend."

"So, I tried to help him. I thought his addiction was reasonable since he had been having problems with his family and girlfriend. I _thought_ it was just a phase. But… it got worse. He failed at rehab, and his parents kicked him out. So, I took him in. I let him stay in my basement, tried to hide it from my parents."

He waved his hands. "I was _young_ and fucking naïve about everything. I just kept thinking: He'll get better. He won't be this way forever. He'll go back to being Peter."

"I didn't know what else to think. I knew nothing about the drug aside from my education in high school health classes." He frowned. "So when he said he wanted to quit I was too quick to believe him. The day before I took him to a cocaine addicts meeting, I watched him flush his stash down the toilet."

"I _truly_ believed him." Jasper looked so sad at the moment, almost pained. "I noticed though, on the way there, that he was unresponsive. I'd go on and on about how good this was going to be for him and that we'd be able to hang out again like we always used to." He shook his head. "I didn't go with him, but I should have."

"Later, when I went to pick him up, he wasn't there. The building was cleared out but I still waited. Half an hour later, I left."

"It hurt. I felt betrayed, lost, confused. God, I was so stupid." He studied his hands with great concentration. "I just kind of gave up after that. I stopped worrying, but he was always in the back of my mind. Months later, though, I saw him again. I was at a McDonalds and he pulled me to the side and asked me for money."

"I was in shock. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't bring myself to yell at him. I couldn't bring myself to hug him. I gave him five dollars that I had in my pocket without thinking. He glared at me and… Bella, I had never felt so uncertain of everything in my life than at that moment. The _look_ in his eyes was like nothing I had ever seen before. At the time, I wasn't even sure if it was Peter standing in front of me. He let go of my shirt, and ran out of there like a bat out of hell."

"I haven't seen him since." He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Jasper." I found myself saying.

He shook his head quickly. "No, don't be." He looked up at me. "It was a long time ago and I'm not looking for your sympathy. I told you this story because I want you to know that I _understand_."

"I get it," he continued. "I know why you're helping Edward. Even after all that has happened to me with Peter, I'd still do it all again in a heart beat. Only, I'd do it _differently_, as long as I could have him back in my life as a friend." He paused, seeming to choose his words carefully. "You see, there's just this instinct to make someone better. It's there with drug addicts, alcoholics, anyone who really just needs help."

He glared at the floor. "But when deeper feelings get involved, _that's_ when things get dangerous, Bella. That's what I want you to watch out for. And I know that sometimes these things are unstoppable, but I just- I just want you to be careful."

"This is Edward's problem. Don't think for one second that you can fix it. You can't even really help him. The only way to do that is to be there for him when he wants you to, if he even wants you. That's it, Bella. That's all you can do."

"And I don't want to sound harsh but, _seriously_, you need to be aware of when you have to back out." His eyes were pleading for me to believe him.

"Sometimes, the best thing we can do for them is leave." He shook his head. "Don't ever be afraid to admit that. I chose not to with Peter. I thought I was helping him but I was just making it worse, just feeding the problem."

"Don't make any ultimatums with him. Don't put him in a situation where he has to choose between you and the drug, because if he's in a situation where an ultimatum is necessary, he _won't choose you_."

He sighed. "Just be aware of the situation at all times, Bella. Don't lose your footing in things. _Be there_ for him when he needs you. And _know_ when you have to leave."

I swallowed and we both stood up simultaneously.

"Thank you, Jasper." I told him as he pulled me in for a hug.

"Of course, Bella. I'm always here if you need to talk." He finished in a whisper.

We pulled away and he placed his hands inside his pocket, biting his lip.

"Could you please not tell Alice about this whole Peter thing?" He looked up at me shyly. "It's just really personal to me and- and it's not something I always feel like sharing and I just -"

I put my hand on his shoulder. "I won't say anything. It's not my story to tell."

I knew that he didn't want to keep secrets from Alice, but I could tell how private a topic this was for him. It happened a long time a go and I didn't think Alice would be affected by it, so I let it slide for him.

He nodded and smiled.

I chose to leave after that.

Once in my room I plopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. There were little glow in the dark stars that I put up when I first moved in. I did it because it reminded me of home.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Something a lot like sleep would come soon. I could feel it in the heaviness of my body. I would wake up a lot, flail around my bed in between those times, but oddly enough, the time passed quickly.

For no particular reason, all I had eaten was a bowl of cereal today. I just wasn't hungry enough. Too deep in thought to notice anything else, I assume.

I heard Alice and Jasper speaking softly in the living room and I heard my name a few times. I pulled a pillow over my face to drown them out.

Being worried about me was inevitable for them, I'm sure. I just wished they wouldn't be. I wished there was a way where Edward would only affect me.

Once I was sure Jasper was gone and Alice was in her room, I took my shoes off and brushed my teeth. That was the extent of my preparation for bed. I didn't even get under the covers.

Jasper had helped me today, and for that I was _very_ thankful. He made me realize and face what I was unsure of and reluctant to admit. Leaving Edward.

He was right though. Sometimes that _is_ the best thing for them.

I didn't want to think about this at the moment though, because as far as I knew, Edward still wanted to get better and was currently on the right path. Worrying about him falling off the wagon wouldn't help anything in the present.

But if something _were_ to happen, being aware of when I should or shouldn't stay would be helpful.

Like Jasper said, he was just feeding the problem.

And just like I knew, this wasn't my battle to fight.

I could only help Edward as much as he wanted me to.

…

I liked the pier I visited yesterday so I decided to go to it again today. The weather was a little chilly but I was good at ignoring it. I just wanted that same balance of peace that I had yesterday, where I didn't have to feel, just think.

Early on in my sight seeing though, I could tell that this day would be different. Today, the feeling of anxiousness was undeniably flowing through my veins. Today, there was the possibility of Edward calling.

I didn't want to get my hopes up, but because the chance of him calling was high, it was all I could think about.

Everything that had happened since the moment I met him boiled down to a single phone call, as everything from this point on would boil down to a visit, and so on. Every day, every week, a small feat would be faced, and end up either conquered or lost. Every single detail of Edward's recovery _mattered_.

To occupy my time, I decided to take a walk. Lining the edges of the pier were fences. These fences had questions on them. I was vaguely familiar with the story of these structured words. It was to question the social politics of the city. The questions were deep, but there really wasn't any apparent answer to them:

_Who salutes the longest?_

_Who prays the loudest?_

_Who dies first?_

_Who laughs last?_

They went on in similar context, and I just found myself staring at them confused. I guess you were just supposed to apply them to your life, and then once finished with this silly evaluation, figure out whether you were happy or not.

If I knew the answers, I would have continued.

I continued walking further, passing more questions but ignoring them. I stared ahead at the horizon, another gray dreary day. The nearly black water rhythmically hit the support beams below me.

I was aware that these past few days were not very productive. I really didn't do anything of consequence. But even though I moped around a lot, I never neglected what _needed_ to be done. I still kept up with the real world, with my book. I just did it without "_pizzazz_" as Rob had put it.

It didn't affect me this time, but I wasn't naïve enough to think it wouldn't in the future. I knew I wasn't being fair. Alice didn't deserve to be ignored, even though she claimed to understand. It's not fun living with an emotional recluse.

But I couldn't really help it. I didn't _have_ anything to say. These past few days, all I had been doing was waiting. That didn't require any emotional outbreaks or dramatic proclamations. All it needed was patience.

And I'm quiet when I'm patient.

Finishing my circuit around the pier, I made it back to land and decided to go to Subway. It was conveniently placed and I was hungry. Because it was two in the afternoon the place wasn't busy, but when I walked in the servers looked a little too eager. I shyly told them my order and decided to eat in. My hands were pink and cold so I gave them a break. Halfway through my first bite, my phone started vibrating.

I could feel my heart pounding as I quickly chewed and dug around for it. _It could be nothing_, I chanted repeatedly in my head. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to have them crash down when Rob's name appeared on the screen or worse…

My breathing increased when I saw the caller ID. There was just a number that I didn't recognize. I swallowed before answering.

"Hello?"

"Bella,"

It was Edward. And I could practically hear the smile in his voice.

"Edward- I, I- How are you?" The guy who made my sandwich was staring at me. I turned my attention to the window.

"I'm alive," he sighed. "I just feel- I just feel different. It's not something I can really put into words right now."

"So everything went alright?" I asked in a small voice.

"Yes, Bella. I'm doing well so far. At least, that's what they tell me. I'm not really sure what to think of it right now."

"That's wonderful." I whispered.

"It's a big adjustment for me, obviously. I rarely have any free time now. They're always shuffling me to all these sessions and… it's a lot to take in. But it's good for me." He continued. "This is what I want."

"I'm so proud of you, Edward." Relief was washing through me in calming waves. This is what I had waited for, and I was… somewhere near happy.

"I know." he said quickly. "Listen, I don't have a lot of time right now. I have to meet with my case manager. I'm going to discuss the prospect of you visiting. I promise though, I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay."

"Are _you_ okay, Bella?" He asked seriously.

I nodded even though he couldn't see the gesture. "I'm fine, Edward. Don't worry about me."

"You sure?"

I sighed. "_Yes_, I'm sure. I just- I'm happy for you but at the same time I- I miss you." I swallowed back the tears that threatened to escape.

He exhaled loudly. "I miss you too. And that's why I'm going to try my hardest to see you soon."

It was an iffy subject, me visiting Edward. Tanya assured us that it was possible, but it might take some time and persuasion.

I wasn't closely related to Edward. I was just a friend. Often times in rehab centers and treatment facilities like Edward's, they don't allow that kind of visitation. In general, it was understandable. Friends could often be terrible influences. But in specifics, I wasn't that kind of friend to Edward. I wouldn't influence him in a way that would make him question his recovery.

He didn't _have_ anyone else to visit him. I just hoped that they'd understand that and sooner, rather than later too.

"Okay," I paused, thinking things over. "I'm really happy for you, Edward."

He was silent on the other end.

"Good luck." I added.

I heard him laugh. "Thank you, Bella." He sounded sincere.

The conversation was quick, and maybe all that we had wanted to say wasn't said, but it was a start.

It was a break away from the monotony of waiting for something unsure. I wasn't worried about Edward being uncomfortably sick anymore. I wasn't worried about him not wanting me or giving up. Everything was right… for the time being.

And so what if I couldn't just march right into my car and drive to see Edward. Sure, seeing him would be wonderful, but at the moment, all of my anticipation had been building up for the prospect of hearing his voice, and knowing he's okay. Now that this has been accomplished, I'm finding myself at a small equilibrium.

I _want_ to see him.

But I don't have a say in the matter right now. I can't do anything else but wait for another call, another day.

At least I know he's okay. And if that's all I'm ever granted to know – in the future – then that would be alright.

**Thank you for reading. I was originally going to put the reunion in this chapter but opted not to. I'm sorry. I just thought it would be better seperate.**

**And I know I'm not going to get a lot of reviews for this chapter because there wasn't much BxE interaction, but I still appreciate every one all the same. Of course, if you had time, I'd still love to know your thoughts. :))))))  
**


	12. Trust

**My apologies for the delay. I know how hard it is to keep up with a story like this.  
Keep an open mind with this chapter and read the A/N at the bottom if you're confused. I'm really, really, really nervous about this one.**

Jazz music could be heard in one wing of the store. On the other, a fast paced alternative song was blaring through the speakers. I was in the middle of it all; each song inevitably melding together and making my headache worse.

I was in the men's department at JC Penney's. Alice assured me it would have what I was looking for.

Edward was apparently in dire need of plain clothing. Brand names were frowned upon in rehab facilities it seemed. And I guess Edward had a thing for them.

I smiled to myself as I thought back to his second unexpected phone call. It was this morning and at the time I was trying to distract myself with sorting through the kitchen junk drawers. I basically found a lot of dirty pennies, dead batteries, and acrylic nails. While I was in the middle of an internal musing as to when the last time I saw Alice wearing fake nails was, my cell phone rang.

This conversation was longer than the last, and more progress was made in terms of me visiting Edward. Apparently Tanya was pulled into Edward's meeting by phone and assured his case manager that I was okay to visit.

Her educated testimony on our side, combined with the fact that Edward only had a few articles of clothing deemed acceptable, gave us the green light.

Visiting was on Saturdays and Sundays, and only for a few hours. Further on in his treatment, I would be invited to attend evening lectures with him. That way we'd both learn all that we needed to be prepared. But these small visits would be all for us. There were designated times during the weekdays that we could communicate by phone, but they would all be short and monitored.

It was only just beginning and I could tell it would be… difficult. And I wasn't even the one in rehab.

I had missed him terribly these past few days, and now I had perhaps months of this feeling to look forward to.

But I was counting on it to be _so_ worth it.

I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. Hell, I couldn't be entirely sure there even _was_ one, but I had to think of something to make me feel better about the whole situation; take my mind off of my selfish longing. I guess that made Edward my glow. He was getting better, making him the small cluster of light that made me feel that perhaps this wouldn't _all_ turn out in vain.

He was doing _so_ well so far, from what I had grasped from our brief conversations. I could tell that he was in a better place, mind-wise. He also seemed a bit more confident in himself and his ability to get better. It was stupid but it brought tears to my eyes. He grew concerned when my voice broke, but I just told him I was happy, so, so happy for him.

Even though our conversation lasted longer than the first, he still had little time to talk. They were keeping him very busy, always making sure he never had a moment's time during the day to grow bored. Because, apparently, when people grow bored in rehab centers they lose focus. I didn't feel upset that we couldn't talk long. I knew that every time we said goodbye, he would continue doing something much more productive than playing a game of "No, _you_ hang up first!" with me. That was reassuring.

Edward was doing really well right now. I didn't want anything to disrupt this small balance we were so delicately set on.

"Is there anything I can help you with, miss?" asked a short man in suit.

I looked at him strangely for a moment before snapping out of it and shaking my head. I started walking away with determination to make it look like I knew where I was going. In truth, I was a little lost, but it was nothing serious. The men's department wasn't terribly huge.

I was reluctantly looking for the men's underwear section, but only to find the plain, packaged white tees. A mannequin's groin dressed in grey briefs signaled that I was at my destination. I cringed a little while walking passed. Its physique was just very… prominent.

I picked up the shirts quickly and made my way to the athletic side, scanning through sweatshirts and feeling a little more comfortable in the environment. I could only hear one song playing now, lucky for my headache it was the fast paced alternative. Not.

I found some comfortable looking, nameless grey and blue sweatshirts that were on sale and quickly picked them up and made my way to the check out. Edward insisted he'd pay me back when I got to the center later tomorrow, but I couldn't really find a reason for him to. They cost me next to nothing as far as clothing goes.

But… whatever made him happy.

I just had to keep the balance.

That evening Alice and I ate in and discussed my plans for tomorrow. She was really excited. She had been around me the past few days, obviously, and had seen what being away from him had made me. A moody mute. She knew I needed some time with him, so in her eyes this was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I couldn't help but realize though – as I do at all times, naturally, whenever things are going great – the negativity of the next day's situation.

Even though I'd get to see him, it certainly wouldn't be for long. An hour maybe, and it's a common known fact that the more time is anticipated, the faster it usually goes when you're experiencing it.

Not an entirely big deal, though. I'd get to see him and touch him and that couldn't be tainted with my pessimism.

But… I'd have to tell him I was leaving in two days. Somehow I would have to assure him that even though I would be gone, I'd still be there for him in every way I could.

I also wanted to savor the moment, because I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again for a while.

I didn't have a clue as to how going about doing this. Tell him right away? During a lull in conversation? At the end?

It wouldn't be fair to hold it off any longer, though. Edward deserved to be prepared, and perhaps if I told him in the beginning, I'd be able to ease him into understanding sooner.

I knew he wouldn't react irrationally, but Edward's psyche was so delicate, so vulnerable at the moment. I could tell he was a naturally sensitive person on top of this too.

My biggest fear was that he'd begin to feel discouraged while I was gone. And that would be very dangerous.

I hoped that he wasn't _that_ dependent on me, that his will was strong enough alone to conquer his demons.

But I couldn't really talk.

I was only beginning to realize how much I needed him. And I had a stable life… before I met him. I could only imagine how I would feel about Edward if the tables _were_ turned.

I let my mind follow that thought for a moment, delving into a small peak of an alternate world.

No parents.

No friends.

No job.

No home.

…and a relentless, raging addiction to heroin.

Of course I wouldn't feel the same about Edward.

I would feel more.

…

"Wait!" I heard Alice call behind me just as I was opening the door. I turned around, about to respond, but was caught off guard when she hugged me. I sagged a little into her brace and wrapped a free arm around her.

"You didn't say goodbye." She pointed out.

I frowned, realizing she was right. "I'm sorry, Alice. I guess I was just a little distracted. I thought you were in the shower…"

She cut me off. "I miss you, Bella."

"I miss you too."

I knew what she meant. It's not that we hadn't been spending time with each other lately. I just wasn't acting exactly normal. It affected her.

She pulled away and frowned. "I wish there was something I could do."

I shook my head quickly. "You're doing everything you can. Things are just really unsettled right now. It'll get better soon."

She gave me a half smile that didn't reach her eyes. I tilted my head down to her level.

"I promise."

Things might never completely settle with Edward but there should at least be some type of routine in the future, if he were to continue on his current path. But, nonetheless, I would make a greater effort on keeping my mood friendly around Alice. It was the least I could do.

She seemed appeased for now. "You've got everything?"

I held up the JC Penney bag. "I do, and I'll see you tonight."

This was the second time I left the house feeling guilty about Alice. She was my best friend and roommate, and here I was hurting her. Not drastically, but if I didn't change my tactic, overtime our relationship could become damaged. I knew that she was nothing but understanding and supportive, but friendships are two sided. I should give her the same amount of attention back.

The only thing I could do now was to try harder, and if I had any hopes of succeeding, I'd have to clear up some worries with Edward first.

I was anxious to see him; anxious, because I was just as excited as I was nervous. There were probably more good points to the trip than bad, but that didn't stop me from worrying. Of course, the only way to ease this was to face them, face him.

That was what I was doing now. The trip was uneventful but longer than the last time – thanks to a few missed turns. But as each minute passed I was getting closer and closer to seeing Edward again.

Soon, he was the only thought that filled my mind. For the first ten minutes, all I thought about was Alice and how terrible I was being. A switch must have flipped when I turned on to the quiet, two lane road that led to Kirkland. Only three miles to go; I could practically see the grove of trees surround the center now.

And I wasn't nervous or reluctant anymore. I wasn't afraid of what he would think, because I knew that in just a few short minutes I would be able to touch him. Even if it happened to be the last, even if some crazy obstacle that would do everything to pull us apart suddenly popped up, I didn't care. I was too caught up in the anticipation.

Of course it may come back to bite me later. But that was it. _Later_. I would deal with it later. I just wanted to see him now.

I drove down the winding lane surrounded by trees notably faster than last time. I would do anything now just to see him.

After my car was parked and the ignition was off I wasted no time in getting out. I retrieved the shopping bag from the back and walked pointedly to those same doors I had been through days earlier. Edward was here. In this building.

I carefully opened the doors. The waiting room was quiet and surprisingly empty again. There was a different lady working at the front desk. I told her I was here to see Edward Cullen. She looked a little surprise to see me and I was confused. It _was_ a visitor's day after all.

But after that little bout of confusion she wasn't hesitant to let me in. She quickly left my view. The next thing I knew, the only entrance into whatever was beyond this room, opened.

"I see you brought clothes for him." She smiled at me while reaching for the bag as I walked passed.

The room could be described as a recreation area of sorts. It was large and open. The floors were covered in industrial blue carpet and the walls were a blank white, reflecting the fluorescent lighting from the ceiling. There was a large television on one end of the room, surrounded by some cheap couches and armchairs. The coffee table had a bowl of hard candy in it. An older woman with blonde hair glanced up from the TV to gaze at me for a moment before biting her nails and looking away, mumbling something.

There was a pool table on the right side of the room, nobody was playing. Some tables were scattered around on the left side. People were working on a jigsaw puzzle together. Countertops lined the wall behind them, followed by more bowls full of candy, and the backsplash was covered in drawings, paintings, and writings.

There were about fifteen people in the room, and all had at least looked at me once. Some in worry, some in judgment, but as soon as they looked away, they just looked lonely.

"I'll leave you to him for a minute." The woman said as she went back into the office. You could see it through the windows lining the back, right side of the room.

I was a little perplexed, but not for long. Someone new was in the room. I looked to the figure that had suddenly appeared in the corner of my eye.

It was Edward. He was sitting at a small, round table, all alone, with a crossword puzzle folded at the binding in his hands. I gasped. Had he been here all along?

He just smiled crookedly when he saw me gaping at him.

He looked _different_.

For starters, he didn't look as sick anymore. The odd color of his skin was gone. The bags under his eyes were still dark, but less pronounced. And he was wearing glasses – thick rimmed, _black_ glasses.

I willed my feet to move, and as soon as the first step was taken, they just didn't want to stop. I was practically running to him.

"Edward," I breathed.

He stood up as I neared him and sighed as we both opened our arms to each other. He laughed a little breathlessly and held me tighter, then lifted me off of the ground. That had never happened to me before, and now my legs were dangling near his shins.

We didn't say anything for quite some time. I don't know why. I couldn't think of anything to say, really. He swayed us from side to side and kept his face buried in my neck and I closed my eyes so I couldn't see over his shoulder. I didn't want to.

But soon, he put me down and our little bubble was popped as the blonde woman watching television turned up the volume and someone in the movie cussed.

Edward was still smiling though, and it actually met his eyes.

It was contagious and I laughed and poked his shoulder. "How are you?"

He grabbed my hand but didn't tear his gaze away from me as it grew serious. "Better."

I half smiled at him and kept the contact. He looked over my shoulder for a second before dropping my hand.

"Well, now that we're reacquainted," A young woman with blonde hair and pretty hazel eyes approached us. She looked to me. "Bella, being that it's your first visit here we'd like to give you a quick tour of the place – just to alleviate any curiosity you might have since under normal circumstances you won't be going past this room, okay? I'm Melissa, by the way."

As she walked ahead of us, Edward discreetly linked our pinkies together and smiled, staring straight ahead.

She took us through an entrance and inside a hallway with many doors and signs beside them. So far, they just looked like offices and conference rooms. It was darker without the windows here.

"These are where the patients meet with various counselors'" She trailed off ahead of us.

The hallway continued for a while and soon she led us up two flights of stairs. It looked a little like a hotel except for the fact that all the doors were open.

"These are the living quarters. Edward's room is towards this way I believe." She glanced back at us and he nodded in affirmation.

"Oh! Good, good," she said quickly, recognizing Edward's name tag and moving aside for us to go in.

I noticed there wasn't a name below his. Didn't he have a roommate?

The lady was watching us like a hawk though. I didn't really feel comfortable asking Edward even the simplest of questions in front of her. Besides, he had broken our connection again.

I took a moment to survey the room. It was floored with blue linoleum tiles. It really just looked like something for hospital patients. There were even curtains attached to the wall. The beds looked uncomfortable.

Voices could be heard in the other room. This caught the woman's attention and she excused herself.

Edward took a step closer to me and leaned into my ear.

"Do you see the tally marks on the wall?" he whispered.

I wrinkled my nose and looked closely. Edward chuckled softly behind me.

Sure enough, there were tallies on the wall – all in varying sizes, lengths, and colors.

"What are they for?" I found myself asking.

He sighed. "They're for people to keep count of the days they've been in here. We're actually not supposed to do it. I'm surprised they haven't done anything to remove them. These ones looked carved though."

I walked over to the side of his bed to take a closer look. There were initials below each one and two dates. One was for three months, another for three days.

"Why did they do that?"

"Boredom. Frustration. Angst." He cocked his head to the side like it didn't matter.

I pursed my lips as I examined them further for a moment. I heard Melissa outside arguing with whoever was upstairs. Edward and I stood in silence for a few moments as the sound of someone traveling down the steps grew fainter and fainter.

I turned my attention to the doorway when she made her way back in. She smiled at me and led us back downstairs.

There were two new additions to the recreation room, but otherwise, not much had changed. I couldn't help but notice their stares. It became too uncomfortable to return them any longer so I tried to ignore them.

"You've guys got about forty minutes." Once she left us alone, Edward led me to a table near the corner, perhaps to escape the stares.

He sighed as he pulled out my chair and took one beside me. I smiled at the gesture.

Leaning forward, he spoke in a rough whisper. "Sorry about them," he shifted his head to the side curtly without looking away from me. "They're a little jealous. I guess visitors here are rare at best."

"Oh," I looked down at my lap quickly. It must be hard for them.

I felt Edward's finger under my chin. He shook his head, noting my expression.

"Don't feel bad for them, most don't want to see their families."

I stared up at him confused. Wouldn't they want the support?

His eyebrows pulled together. "It's really hard for us, Bella – to ask for help," He paused and looked away. "…to put them through that. You see," he continued in a whisper, "a lot of people here have been to rehab multiple times and it never worked. They might've had their families support before but as you can see, not anymore. And I know it's really, really difficult for families when they watch they're kids get into this shit but it's not exactly a walk in the park for us to watch them get hurt either."

I nodded in understanding. I never stopped learning when I was with Edward, and I had a feeling I never would.

It was kind of nice to learn things from their perspective. It made their bold stares slightly understandable.

As I looked into Edward's always serious eyes, I felt a swirling in my stomach. We didn't have a lot of time to get things covered. Formalities aside, we'd have to start now.

But first, before I shared my news with him, I wanted to know exactly how he was faring out so far in rehab – without the fleeting nature of a rushed phone call.

"How are you doing, Edward?" I asked more seriously than the first time.

He sighed and broke eye contact, leaning back in the hard plastic chair. Then he laughed humorlessly.

"Well, I'm not sick anymore." He rubbed the back of his head with his hand.

I waited for him to go on. I was all ears now.

"God, like, the first day was probably the hardest. Fucking withdrawal – pain in the ass that was. And it wasn't just that.

"I missed you so much." He said so quietly I wasn't sure if I was supposed to here.

My heart sunk. He _could_ be that dependent on me. Sure, he was on _my_ mind nearly one hundred percent of the time we spent apart, but that was because I had nothing else to do with my time and had no distractions. He was going through withdrawal and he still… thought about me.

"It felt _really_ weird afterwards. It felt different to be off heroin, but then again, not so different at all. I was tired so I slept but when I woke up I felt fine. No, I felt good. And then the next day came and I took the pill and it was disgusting. I went to my first group session afterwards and felt really good."

He looked up at me from under his eyelashes. "I haven't felt like that in a long time, Bella.

"They told me that everything I was feeling was normal, but I couldn't really believe them at first because it seemed too good to be true. I mean, I started feeling like I could actually _do_ this, and not go back. That's so weird for me to think because h-heroin was my life. I never thought I could be this… confident without it. They explained to me that if I just stuck with the schedule administered by my doctor then I'd be fine. And I just- God, Bella, I don't know what to say to you. I don't even know what to think of half the time. I bet that's why they never let me have a second to myself."

He let out a deep breath.

"This is good, Edward."

He shook his head once. "I know it is, Bella. But I just- it's a lot to take in and sometimes I feel really overwhelmed. Other times I feel really confident. Sometimes I end up thinking –"

He stopped himself from saying whatever it was that he was about to, and snapped his mouth shut. I stared at him for a moment, my eyes scanning over every inch of his face. I noticed wrinkles on his forehead, even though his face was relaxed.

I guess I should be happy at the moment, happy for Edward, happy for us. So far, everything was going really well.

And I was happy for him. I just couldn't bring myself to celebrate. Now that I was here with him, and saw for myself how he was, I couldn't be naïve to the fact that Edward's dependence on me was staggering, anymore.

Eight days. Eight days we had known each other.

"You're doing amazing, Edward." I told him genuinely, keeping the balance. "You're a lot stronger than you want to give yourself credit for, and that's reasonable under the circumstances, but this is where change happens. Have a little faith in yourself."

He looked up into my eyes for a moment, with some indecipherable expression, before breaking the connection and creating a new one. Grabbing my hands and stroking them with his fingers, he spoke.

"Look at your nails,"

I cringed a little. They were bitten and repulsive.

"Don't do this to yourself anymore." He breathed.

I laughed softly.

Edward smiled and continued stroking my fingers gingerly. "You have a way of bringing me down to earth, Bella, and I thank you for that."

I looked down at our hands, serious again. We were running out of time and I needed to confess to him.

"Edward, I- I need to tell you something." Suddenly, it was hard to look him in the eye. I just didn't want to see hurt there. Ever. But knowing that it was inevitable – possibly now and even more likely in the future – I continued.

"I have obligations in Florida, to finish up my book tour, and I'm leaving in two days." I spoke softly.

Edward's features twisted slightly, in a mixture of _hurt_ and confusion.

"I'll be back in two weeks and then I'm all yours, Edward, I promise."

"It's okay, Bella." He said slowly after a deep breath and composing himself.

"But it couldn't have been at a worse time. And- and I'm sorry." I broke off in a whisper.

"No, no, no, Bella. It'll be okay." He soothed.

I looked up at him in question and got my answer. He was worried, and not just about me.

"I'll call you as often as I can." Edward had to know this.

He nodded slowly in response, but I could see the gears turning in his head. I could detect the worry threatening to engulf him. And I could tell him over and over again the truth – that I would remain with him. But he had to believe it for himself in order for those words to work.

"Nothing will change, Edward. I'll still be there for you." I smiled. "I'll still keep you down to earth."

He didn't say anything as he pulled me into an embrace – and it said all the words that we couldn't.

I would miss Edward _desperately_. And as he pulled me tighter, keeping me in the present, I knew he'd be missing me for every second that I would him.

But we couldn't say it. At least I couldn't.

I didn't want to cry in front of him.

And I never, _never_ wanted to see him cry again.

The good thing was this: Edward was changing, and he would continue to change throughout his entire recovery. That was what rehab was all about, after all.

The reality of it all was just as simple – if things were to continue on this path, of course. I would continue to visit Edward once things with my book tour had settled. I would help him face his challenges, and try to keep his mind in the right place. Some visits would be like this one. Others would be easier. Some would be harder.

And our feelings would continue to grow – no matter what.

"Do you trust me, Edward?"

I was met with silence.

"Edward?"

"Yes," His sob was muffled by my hair.

"Then you'll be okay." I whispered.

**The last few lines were not added for dramatic effect. In order for Edward to believe Bella he must trust her. He was hesitant with his answer because he's vulnerable and hesitant with his trust. Keep in mind that some days he's confident, other days he's regretful. His mind's in a weird place right now. Also, Bella knows that she's in deep shit when it comes to their feelings. She didn't make a big deal about it because, what would that do? Her and Edward's situation will inevitably cause pain, so she's just gonna leave him because she doesn't want to fall in love with him? It is too late for her to leave now, and she knows this. She knows this is bad, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. And right now she has to help Edward. Regardless, their feelings will grow but there's nothing they can do. Separating at this point doesn't pose an option for them.**

**Edward's withdrawal. If you're not confused and feel you know all that you need to know, don't bore yourself with this note. Very quickly, Edward was in moderate withdrawal when he was administered the drug, Buprenorphine. Making withdrawal a "pain in the ass." That's the extent of it. The point of Buprenorphine is to replace heroin in your brain, so really, after a few hours, you feel normal. Better. Hell, you can go back to work the next day heroin free! This is where Edward is getting his confidence, he doesn't feel sick anymore. Can you imagine what that's like for a heroin addict? This is also where he gets confused because, let's face it, all these things seem to good to be true. Step in, Bella. This is what she's here for. And now she has to leave.**

**But that's LIFE.  
Please, if you have any more concerns about his withdrawal, google Buprenorphine before you ask me. I tried to explain the gist of things, if it's not enough, see for yourself. I'll gladly answer any other questions.**

**So that's it, right? Give Edward a month and he'll finally be able to be with Bella as a normal man?**

**No.**

**Not at all.**

**This story is categorized as ANGST (though sometimes I wish there was a catergory that was "IDK," cause most times, I don't), and there hasn't been many angsty times as of yet.**

**There will be some time lapses in the future, because a lot of drama happens AFTER rehab. Also, I recently updated my profile with some notes on both of my in-progress stories, hopefully to soothe some worries of completion, and for you to see where I stand. Check it out if you're curious.  
**

**Fuck this author's note! It's too looooooong!**

**Thanks to all the new readers, I appreciate all of your comments!**

**Special thanks and dedication to PhantomBecca, for all of her super nice comments.**

**And thanks to every single one of you who read this!!  
**


	13. The Disbelieving Ex Writer

"I mean, you're just such an inspiration, publishing at such a young age – and you're talent. My goodness, your narration techniques and the- and the foreshadowing, it's all amazing. Say, now, I heard you had the first chapter written before an outline was even in place. Is it true you didn't even have a solid plot in mind?"

I was working on something new today - not looking at my "fans" like they had sprouted a new head, or as Rob put it, my "Fucking Lost in New York City" look. I really didn't do it on purpose. I was just overwhelmed by the reception and the random people who showed up–hearing that a young author was doing a signing, or reading a review of my book online and thinking "Wow, it'd be cool to check that chick out in person." Or my favorite, when they hadn't heard that Dana Reeves cancelled, but bought my book anyway and got it signed because hey, my autograph was free, and I was here.

And I really didn't know what they were talking about half of the time. I recognized some words, some phrases, but they were all just dusty and forgotten pieces of my high school education.

Like right now, this nice lady with three kids and one on the way, who looked like she spent a lot of time reading, was throwing all this crap about writing and adoration at me and I had no idea what to say.

I _could_ start by answering her question.

"Yeah, I really didn't have a clue about what I wanted, going in, it just kind of fell into place after a while. I just had this idea, that needed to be written, and then it just morphed into what it is now. I started seriously outlining around the third chapter."

She nodded, like she understood completely. "Amazing."

I signed her book and she left, for which I was grateful. I just felt uncomfortable getting praise for being an amateur. It probably seemed _really_ unfair to an author who spent years agonizing over characters and plots and blah. I didn't deserve any of this crap.

Yet, I was here – doing my job at the moment, making an appearance, answering questions and signing books and smiling and trying to fix my facial expressions. But it didn't feel… right. It wasn't really something I could explain. I just felt uncomfortable. I didn't _want_ to be here. And it wasn't just because my mind was elsewhere. It wasn't because I was stressing about Edward and missing him. This wasn't about him at all. This was about me and my job – my life before him.

I just had this voice in my head, throbbing in a vein and plucking at my nerves, telling me that this wasn't who I was.

I wasn't a writer.

Sure, I wrote a book, and it got _published_ and people _liked_ it and I had talent. But I really didn't feel passionate about the subject anymore. I wasn't jumping into questions and answering them with lengthy, deep responses. I wasn't agreeing with anything these people are telling me. I wasn't relating to any stories. I wasn't getting inspired.

And it really, kind of… sucked.

For a long time I really liked writing, it was a good past time and really fulfilling (when it wasn't pissing me off). I learned a lot and got so many opportunities. I had fun.

I didn't continue school, because I thought that _this_ was what I would do from now on, from here on after.

And now, I don't even feel a huge connection to any of this at all anymore. If I hear my favorite song, I don't want to write. If I'm in a mall and I see a large fountain with mosaic tiles, full of pennies (the original inspiration for my book), that's all I see. A fountain in a mall with a bunch of nondescript wishes, wishes that I'll never know.

It wasn't just a case of writer's block. I wasn't depressed about not wanting to write. If anything, I just felt relieved.

I was done.

No more late nights on the computer typing "the" as "hte." No more random envelopes on the counter with important plot developments scribbled all over them - when I just couldn't get to a notebook fast enough.

It didn't suck because I felt a loss. It sucked because I was good at something and I didn't like to do it anymore. It sucked because it probably didn't seem fair to all of those crazy authors who spent years on their books and came out with masterpieces that didn't sell until they were dead. It sucked because Charlie was right.

And it sucked because I didn't know who I was anymore or what I was going to do next.

Now, I wasn't lost in the sense of me begging with holey gloves on the street for spare change, complaining that I once had a lovely life, but lost the will to keep it. I would still continue to thrive with the hand dealt to me.

It was just something to get used to.

And in the midst of all these changes and uncertainties, I _was_ sure about one thing. I wasn't supposed to be here.

**…**

After my epiphany at Borders, I went into the signing with a little more enthusiasm. It was my job and I didn't want to put people off by my attitude. So, I talked with them like I knew just exactly what they were saying and graciously accepted their compliments – all the while cringing on the inside. It still irked me how unfair this must seem to others.

I was entirely grateful for the opportunity my book gave me. Not a day goes by where I don't feel extremely lucky. But I had an odd way of appreciating it – I lost passion in the process.

I was kind of just sitting there on my hotel bed – having a flashback to when I was a child and threw up on a hotel bed pillow in the middle of the night and ruined the family vacation – when my phone rang.

I was expecting his call to come soon. We were starting to get into some sort of a schedule when it came to talking.

"Edward," I sang happily.

"Hey, Bella," he sighed.

We went into the casualties of asking how the other was. I told him I was peachy (only half a lie, I was excited to get his call). He said he was tired. I told him about some funny people I met today – the tortured teen with black nails, a self-claimed American Idol contestant who I didn't really recognize, and a lot of pretty ladies with kids. He'd comment here and there and laugh when necessary. He sounded just as he had said – tired.

This was how it had been going for a while with us since I had left. I'd talk about as much as I could, as quickly as I could, and then once the warm up was over, he'd tell me how his day went.

I could tell he wanted to vent, but he struggled with his words and always remained quite vague. I knew he was doing well, and that his counselors and doctors were all happy with his progress. That much I could understand. But it was obvious he was struggling with much more than that.

Physically, his addiction to heroin wasn't the problem any more. It was the mental part that we had to worry about.

_That_ was why he was in residential rehab, and not just taking the medicine on a schedule and living his life. He needed round the clock help to restore a strong psyche that didn't rely on the escape heroin once offered him.

"I guess I'm faring out well enough. The routine's not so bad once you get used to it. Some sessions, though, are really… overwhelming, I guess you could say? They're just trying to get me to talk about things with emotion and- and it hurts.

And not only that, but they're asking me to think back to the times I've used and what the conditions were and it just- it makes me uncomfortable… and stressed. But they tell me that it's good to address these things because they need to identify the triggers." He took a moment to breathe and we were both silent.

I didn't know what to say. My line of "you're doing so well, Edward" was just plain overused.

It wasn't like I could relate to him or anything, say that I understood. I could try and sympathize but why would that make him feel better? That wasn't what he needed.

"Bella?" he asked after a minute.

"I'm here, Edward, I'm always here,"

"I wish I could explain things better to you."

"Well, you're making progress, right?"

"Yes,"

"Then that's all that really matters," And it was. Him explaining to me what therapy he was undergoing wasn't mandatory information. In fact, if I were to ask a supervisor at Kirkland the details, they wouldn't be allowed to tell me. Edward was my only source of detailed information. And if he was uncomfortable sharing it with me, I wouldn't push him. This was highly his business, and I was simply a shoulder to lean on.

The thing was, I already knew what their biggest goal was at the moment -Edward's biggest focus during the day. He was undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy. They were essentially trying to change his way of thinking. On top of all this he was learning new ways in which he could cope with stress. Tanya informed Edward and I of this that fateful day he chose his path.

And it _must_ have been very stressful for Edward - to have to essentially relive a past that he wasn't proud of, and to think back to his triggers, undoubtedly leading back to his mother and her sickness, even his father's death. It was too heartbreaking to think of things like that and I suddenly wished I could be there for him in person.

"I don't want to talk about those things anymore," He spoke quietly.

I nodded. "It's okay, Edward, you don't have to. Just know that I'm here to listen if you ever do want to talk about it." I didn't want to push him because I didn't want to upset him any further. He was under enough stress already. I just hoped that some day he would have more ease with these issues; it wouldn't be good for either of us if he were to hide things from me, whether they were his present or intimate details of his past. If they were bothering him, they would have to be addressed. Not necessarily by me while he was in rehab, but afterwards was an entirely different story.

For now, though, my only purpose was to comfort him, not challenge him or stress him out.

"I finished your book," he said suddenly.

"Hmm, really?" I was humorlessly enthused.

"Yes, and it was really good. It- it helped take my mind off of things for a little while,"

I could feel my features soften. "Well, that's good."

"And I've been writing sonnets about some things," He sounded so enthused.

I laughed. "Why would you put yourself through such torture?" My brain hurt just thinking about them.

"No, no, it's actually quite soothing. They recommended it to us. It's just that there's such structure and thought that goes into these. It's a really good distraction if you think about it…"

"Huh, well, you'll have to show me yours sometime." It sounded reasonable and I'd love to see what Edward was capable of writing.

He cleared his throat. "I post mine as anonymous on the wall, so,"

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks, Edward,"

"Everyone does, so you can't use process of elimination, though something tells me you won't have a hard time figuring out which ones are mine,"

"Well, I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too, Bella," His tone became soft and genuine suddenly, and I felt that same tug in my heart that I did at the end of every other conversation we had since I left. I knew he was missing me and stressing out sometimes because of it.

But these calls were all I could offer him.

**…**

Today was a busy day. On top of jumping cities, I had a speaking engagement at another bookstore, and a signing afterwards, all in the same day. I couldn't even check into my hotel. I didn't mind talking about what inspired me to write, and how it just spiraled into what it was today - that part wrote itself quite some time ago and I had already memorized it. But they asked a lot of questions, well, not the "fans" per se, the bookstore staff.

Tired, and voice exhausted from speaking without a microphone, I had to deal with the rush of people who wanted signatures. Hand cramp. Big time. It's not like there were billions upon billions of people here. It was really just a small crowd, but I had a bad habit of pressing down hard when I wrote.

Rob kept me company and told jokes for a while, but he had the luxury of leaving to roam around the store whenever he pleased, buying coffee and book browsing… reading magazines.

The people were really nice though, and nothing but respectful. That was nice.

"So I hear you turned Maury down," Rob said while picking up his magazine and sliding in his chair, shortly after the last guest left. His eyes were trained on my face. No matter what the topic, they always had a joking edge to them.

I shifted my eyes down to the sharpie in front of me. "That I did,"

"Care to explain why?"

I rolled my eyes at him, but sighed before starting. "Writing's not really my thing anymore, I guess."

"It's kind of a shame. I mean, with your first book doing so well, you could become really successful."

I nodded while tightening my lips.

"Just lost the flame, didn't ya'?"

"I guess,"

He traveled around the table to stand in front of me, leaning down slightly, trying to make me look at him. Sighing, I gave in. He nodded to himself, as if finding the answer to his own question.

"It happens to a lot of writers, for various reasons. Did the popularity get to you?"

I didn't know how to answer that. I mean, why would being recognized bother me? Who wouldn't want their work to be praised, instead of being ignored?

I guess I was just so young going into all of this that even then, I didn't know what I was looking for, or what I wanted. I acted without thought of consequence. And only when I got discovered for my work did I finally cross "writer" off of my list. So, I still didn't know what I wanted to be, but at least I knew what didn't work.

"It is, isn't it?"

I laughed. "Sure, Rob,"

"Don't do that, I want to know. I got you recognized. I want to understand why you lost your passion." He looked at me seriously, and I had no way out. He deserved to know after all he had done to help me.

"I don't know. I just have this odd feeling of detachment from everything. It's like I finally understand the term 'on the outside looking in.' And I just don't want to write. At all." I explained, using my hands and punctuating the write words, trying to drive home whatever it was I was trying to get across.

He was unwavering, yet calculating. "So you got bored,"

I shook my head and turned away, pulling at my shirt sleeve. "No, I just got over it."

"Okay," he said after a few moments of silence, still leaning down on the table. I looked back up at him and nodded, raising my eyebrows sarcastically. He pulled away and stretched, staring off at a bookshelf. "You'll always have the talent, you know. That'll never leave you. But I kind of see how you're looking at it. You see writing as a hobby, you mastered it, and you moved on, or you _are moving_ on, I guess I could say. You still got a few more cities with me." He said grinning.

"Are you disappointed in me?" I asked, twirling the marker in my hand absentmindedly. His response would have an affect on the guilt I felt. It was both irrational and rational, how I felt. I was young and kind of successful and here I was… quitting. I could look at it as Rob had seen it, as a hobby that I had "mastered." Or I could see it as getting over that part of me, growing up.

In high school I used to make necklaces out of everything I could find - random charms on the street, pieces of cans, hood ornaments. I could make heart shaped links out of paper clips and connect them to form chains and decorations. I just got sick of it after a while and in my senior year, I stopped completely. I grew out of it.

"No. Listen, Bella, you can't change the way you feel, and neither can I. I'm not going to lie to you, if you wrote another book that was half as good as your first, you'd be on your way… but, if it's not what you want, then there's no point in guilt tripping you into it." He laughed at my expression. "If you truly believe writing's not your calling, then it's not. And you won't have to put up with me anymore."

I smiled. "Thanks," He waved as he headed down the escalator.

I cleaned up a little further and took some copies downstairs before exiting through the back. The hotel was just a short walk from here so I set out in the general direction of Apalachee Street.

Soon, I felt my phone buzzing in my bag. I got a lot of random calls from work and Alice and more work and sometimes the random friend who didn't know I was out of town and was wondering if I could hang out, so I wasn't expecting to see Renee's name to grace the screen.

Every time I got a call from my mother – when I was bored and completely laid back, not mad and not stressing – I answered without hesitation.

But any other time I was upset, I would see her name, put my phone down and pretend I didn't see it. For one, I just wouldn't have the will to talk to anyone at the moment, especially her. I had the tendency to snap when stressed out, or stubbornly keep the conversation one-sided.

And right now, I most certainly wasn't bored or laid back. I was a little stressed. I had to answer it though. Things had changed since the last time I talked to her… which was quite some time ago, now that I thought about it. I immediately felt guilty.

I loved Renee, and she loved me. But like any mother-daughter duo, we had our problems. And then she just got busy with her life and I got busy with mine. We had arguments in most of our over-the-phone conversations, some got settled, some didn't. That put a strain on things between us. It continued, though, in this cycle, for as long as I could remember.

I felt a wave of apprehension as I put the phone to my ear. It was always scary for me if I hadn't talked with her in a while. But she called, and she rarely did so just to start arguments. So I sucked it up.

"Hello?" My voice echoed back to me, and it sounded so small.

I moved quickly, hoping to get better reception. It was distracting to hear myself.

"She lives!" Renee yelled all triumphantly.

Our long awaited conversations usually started like this. Renee did a good job at hiding her agitation for our distance by masking it with comedy.

"I could say the same to you," I replied a little snidely, she called as much as I did.

"I didn't call to start a fight with you, Bella," She said quickly in a firmer tone. I could tell she was still smiling though.

I took a deep breath. "I know, I know."

"So how've you been?" She started right back up again, enthusiastically.

It was usually better for us to ignore the fact we weren't in each other's daily lives anymore… or weekly. And it wasn't on purpose or anything. I was just an adult now. She had told me when I was younger that she had a feeling that once I moved out that that would be the last of me – and she was almost right.

Renee was a worry wart and I was an independent person just dying to get out on my own. As the years wore on we both decided to just ignore those things and take what we could get. It wasn't a compromise or a medium. Our calling schedule was erratic, but still more heartfelt than Charlie's.

There was some bitterness between us, from the past, and sometimes more recent conflicts. But we were both so stubborn to the point where they'd never get completely resolved. I'd go on rants and stand my guard, she'd do the same. I might soften up some and tell her she had a point, she'd do the same. But knowing that we'd never be happy unless we were the ones right, we tried to forget about them – tip-toeing around the topics if they were to arise.

It was almost like a ticking bomb, now that I thought about it. Things would only work this way as long as we were both okay with the situation, though, and neither of us lived with in a two-hundred mile radius of each other.

"I've been good, just finishing up my book tour in Florida." My voice was still echoing back and it was starting to get annoying.

"Florida, huh? How's the weather?"

"Let's just say I don't even bother straightening my hair anymore."

She laughed and I could almost see her covering her mouth. "That bad?"

"That bad," I repeated.

She sighed and said "Ohh" before a lull in conversation. I asked her how she was and she said the same thing she did last time, she was fine, Phil was fine, and her flowers were fine. She told me about some genius kid on the news this morning and I commented when necessary. I told her that I met a self-claimed American Idol contestant and she quickly asked who and I told her I forgot. She was disappointed.

And then there was another lull in conversation. At this point, I would usually tell her I had to go and we would say goodbye, not knowing when we'd talk again. Every once in a while, she missed me and called me the next day or something. That hadn't happened for a while, though.

This conversation wasn't going to be like our others. I knew that, now, after our appetizer, I'd have to tell her about Edward.

I couldn't hide it from her till the next time we spoke, that would just upset her more. She needed to know sooner rather than later. Her calling me just shed the green light. I had to do it.

"There's something I need to tell you." I stopped at a bench where the echoing of my voice stopped. Finally.

"I'm listening." She sounded distant and I could hear the television in the background. I couldn't blame her for thinking I had something inconsequential to say. I always did.

I could feel stuff fluttering around in my stomach. "I've kind of… m-met someone." She didn't say anything and I didn't know what to think of that. Maybe she really wasn't listening. "R-Renee?"

"Go on," She responded immediately.

_Oh_.

I took a deep breath and wrung my hands out. They were shaking and I hated that. And I hated that her opinion mattered so much to me. It didn't matter that she was my mom and that her feelings would always have an effect on me – I was going to help him no matter what. Her disliking my position just made things harder.

I stood up to my mother before, but it was never for something like this. Never for something that was so emotional.

"And it's- it's not what you think. I'm not dating him," Knowing that she probably wanted an explanation right away, and wasn't going to speak, I continued. "He has some- baggage and- some problems and I'm helping him." Her silence was almost making me cry. I was so scared.

"He was a heroin addict."

"B-"

I cut her off quickly. "He's getting help mom, professional help. He wants to get better, just trust me. He's such a good soul. I know this sounds terrible and crazy and completely out of character of me but I want to help him. I just- I have to."

"Why?" She breathed.

"He needs me." I whimpered and then sniffled. "He wasn't always like this. He used to attend Northwestern. He had a good upbringing, everything was fine. But his mom got sick and they had to move and he got stressed and started using." I took a deep breath to compose myself. "His parents are dead, okay? And he's estranged from his other family and- and he has no one left. He told me this at- at the airport and I decided to help him.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner and I'm sorry if you disagree with everything I've just said- but I'm not leaving him."

I got the hard part over. If she wanted any other details I was almost positive I could argue my way out of them… if I didn't cry. God, I was becoming such a sap. I never was this way before. Edward just evoked such crazy emotions in me.

"Are you okay, Bella?" I wasn't really expecting that kind of reaction.

"Yes, but that doesn't matter. I need you to understand that I wouldn't be helping Edward if he wasn't a good person. But he _is_. He's so courageous and hopeful, even after all that has happened to him. And I'm not paying his way through any of this. He's in residential rehab right now and I'll see him sometimes. Please don't get upset," My words were all a blubbery mess and I felt like a retard.

"Why are you getting so upset?" She sounded incredulous.

"Because I don't want you to worry anymore than you already do… and I'm afraid you'll be angry with me and I don't want that.

And I'm sorry."

"Bella!" She yelled breathlessly at me through the phone. "I'm not upset with you _at all_, stop worrying."

My stomach sank. She must have some life threatening illness and recently decided to accept whatever I did, no matter how crazy.

"You're not?" I was disbelieving but the water works had stopped.

"No, I'm worried, but any mother would be. Bella, you're an adult, you've made that blatantly obvious over the past few years. I can't control you anymore, you know that! Of course what I think you're doing is crazy, but I'll get over it. If what you say is true, then I don't have any real reasons to worry. Gosh, you hyperventilate like I'm an axe murderer. What did I do to you as a child?"

Freaking made me feel like everything I did was wrong. Renee never told me directly that doing this or doing that was ridiculous and that she disowned me a little more each time I committed an act, but she always had just the right way of hinting at it. She'd joke, she'd patronize, she'd subtly criticize, she'd offer something I could do instead – all throughout my childhood. Of course everything I did then was harmless, and she didn't have any reason to worry. It was only as I got older and started making bigger decisions that she began to fret.

So this reaction right now? Definitely not textbook and so unlikely I was still having problems believing it.

I didn't want to ask, because it had the potential to make everything she said before go _poof_, but like before, I didn't have a choice. "So you're okay with this?" Cringing, I waited.

She sighed. "Does it even matter if I'm not?" I was about to say that it did but apparently meant it as a rhetorical question. "Bella, I haven't seen or heard you cry since you were three, it's obvious you have feelings of some capacity for this man. He seems to be getting his stuff together, and if you like the lost, broken types, well, then, I can't say I'm surprised.

I am your mom and I will worry, but I'm not going to tell you not to go through with this. I think we all learned a long time ago that you are your own person, no matter what outside influences tell you. But I need you to promise me something, Bella."

"Of course," I replied simply, still kind of in shock. I was so wrong before.

"_Don't_ you _dare_ stay near him if he goes back, okay? Promise me." Her tone took on a seriousness I wasn't sure I'd heard before.

I contemplated what she was saying quickly. I had made a promise to Edward that I would stay with him as long as he wanted me to. I had promised myself that I would leave when I felt it was time to back out too. If Edward went back, would he still want me? What if he went back, wanted me, but I still felt it was my time to leave?

The only thought I had was, _shit_.

If I wanted my mother's approval, I would have to keep her promise. This promise had the possibility of being broken, as with all the other promises I had made.

_All promises have that quality_, I thought. _Logically_, the only promise worth keeping was the promise made to my self. Self-preservation and all, right?

But when in the hell did I ever do things logically since meeting Edward?

Ever since he started rehab, I began thinking only for the present, and preparing when necessary for the future. And that was how I was going to take things now. One day at a time.

If I wanted things to continue running smoothly, I would have to promise Renee. As of right now, I was sure I could keep that promise, as well as all the rest. But that was now. Edward was stable – in rehab, sober, and positively thinking.

If things were to one day take a turn for the worst, my promises would surely catch back up with me. But what else could I do? I was working for right now, the present, the part that mattered for Edward and I.

I didn't have to promise Renee, but she deserved that. After all that we had gone through, after all the weeks I had left her wondering how I was, her only daughter, she deserved to have this one piece of mind.

The promises were all really good ones, genuine and purposeful. But in the future, they could most certainly hurt the most - for Edward, me, Renee, Alice, and Jasper.

I was in a bind with almost everything these days, but it was all for Edward. All of it. Even if it were to hurt him in the future, I made these promises for him. It was a sticky, potentially hurtful situation, but what could I do?

"I promise you," I told her firmly.

"And I want to talk to you more often, no more of those disappearing acts. I _do_ call you. I just know you choose not to answer sometimes. I know you're an adult, and I know you can take care of yourself. That's why I'm not freaking out like I normally would. Bella, I can only ask that you try not to get hurt," I scoffed, like I'd try. "That's not the point," She said quickly. "You're getting into this really naive to what human emotions can do to a couple. You say you're not dating and that you're just helping, but you can't control what feelings you develop, whether it's love in the long run or just a strong attachment, Bella. If you were to leave, it would hurt either way.

Watch yourself, okay?"

I took a deep breath before answering. I didn't _like_ hearing these things, no matter how true they were. I knew that I needed to know them and be aware of the attachment Edward and I had to each other, but thinking of leaving _hurt_.

I had to face it though. I signed up to help him, and now I had to deal with it. I couldn't hide, I couldn't pretend. If things were to go sour I would be… messed up, really, really, messed up.

"I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"I'm sorry," I said, tearing up again.

"Stop saying that," she pleaded before sighing. "Is it alright if I ask you something personal pertaining to when you guys met?"

"Of course," I was feeling guilty about so many things I'd tell her anything she wanted to know.

"I understand that he was broken and alone when you found him, but you guys were complete strangers. Why did you decide to help him so suddenly?" She sounded patient.

I took a deep breath before shutting off my brain filter and trying to explain in words what I still couldn't quite grasp. It was a "you had to be there" kind of thing.

"I- I can't really explain it, though I wish I could. I've never been in this type of relationship before, so it wasn't some underlying reason like that. I don't know. It was just this thing where he was there and I was there. And I learned so much so fast, and he was so- so empty and- and so _sad_. I just- something came over me and it was like 'I can't leave him behind. I can't let him continue this way any longer.' I couldn't. It's sort of like when you find a lost kitten that is cold and homeless and weak and hungry. You can't just shut your door. You take it, no question. And you try your hardest to repair it. It may be too weak or just a lost cause, but at least you could say you tried. Imagine shutting your door on that kitten, it would haunt you.

And it might not work out for Edward, that's his name – It might not work out for Edward and I in time, but I can't help but feel that, as unconventional as it is, we are what we are for a reason."


	14. Fear

**Hey, there. I just wanted to apologize to everyone for my sporadic and frustrating updating schedule. I know I'm probably losing readers at an exponential rate because of it. But enough about that, here's the chapter. Oh, and btw, please excuse my sucky sonnet writing skills and just write them off as Edward being adorable. Or you could tell me they sucked, but then Edward's no longer adorable. I don't want that. :(**

I was approaching familiar stoplights and landmarks that were just strangers to me just a handful of weeks ago. There was the fresh land set out and leveled for a new hotel to be built–though I hadn't noticed any activity there since the last Bobcat left.

There was the always busy gas station with higher prices than the 7-Eleven just three blocks down. I never understood that. Benches lined the streets with unchanging, worn out photos of real estate agents gracing their backs and crazy characters waiting for the next bus resting on their seats.

I never knew this street before, but I did now.

It was the main one. The longest one. The one with the most traffic.

The one that led me to Edward.

Changes had been made to both of our lives over the past weeks since I got back from my book tour.

I, dun dah dun dun, got a new job–a temporary job. Well, I wasn't a temp, but I considered this job to just be temporary for me.

I was in Human Resources for a local company that sold sportswear catalogues. They were small at a national standard, but steadily successful throughout the state. I got a small wing in helping with employee welfare . . . and all _that_ jazz. The head of Human Resources Management told me that the more experience I have in the field, the further I'd move up.

It was a silly, average, nine-to-five job with average pay that would get me by and then some for a while. It wasn't something I had necessarily fantasized about doing when I was younger, but then again I really didn't fantasize about work back then. The point was, it was stable. It was everything I needed at this point in my life.

And I didn't really mind it at all.

It gave me something to do–something to look forward to. It kept me distracted and busy and all around healthy. I liked it.

One day, if I wasn't happy with it, I'd move on somehow. I already proved to myself that I could. Whether it be continuing my schooling or just finding another field with my experience, I'd go for it. After all, I wasn't really the type of person to stick with something I hated.

Life was short and it would be miserable to live it that way.

Edward was still continuing his rehab at Kirkland. He was making as much progress as to be expected. Some days he'd be on top of the world and other's he'd be wondering why he bothered to open his eyes.

It wasn't depression or bipolar disorder. It was just the changes and feelings all weighing down on him daily. I couldn't imagine what it would be like taking that all in. Even after the routine engraved itself into his head and associates fell into a first-name basis, he told me he was still uncomfortable.

The unsettling aspect of being in a foreign place or the harsh realities of his past drug abuse weren't the things holding him back. From our conversations, I had grasped that his biggest obstacle was talking about the triggers–mainly stress relating to his family. He didn't say any of this directly, which led me to believe it even truer. He was pretty open about everything else.

Other than the fact he was making progress, while still holding back some, I really didn't know anything else about what was going on in there. I mean, Edward was my only source of information and our conversations and visits were generally short. I was sure talking about meetings and counselor's various opinions on "progress" and "attitude" certainly wouldn't be on Edward's top discussion priorities when visiting with someone from the outside. He had to deal with that nearly twenty-four/seven as it was. Downtime away from that must be refreshing.

Whatever he needed me to do while we spent our time together, I would do. There was no hesitation. I just wanted Edward to feel comfortable for a while. It was all I could genuinely offer.

There weren't any big explosions of action or melodramatic grand gestures at all in the past month or so. We didn't need anymore of those. And because of all this, I found my general attitude toward everything changing. It was sort of enlightening.

I wasn't growing outrageously optimistic–about anything, really. I was just content with the way things were in my life right now. I had a job. I talked to Renee more often. Alice and Jasper were doing well. The whole "Bella Swan Doesn't Write for Fun Anymore" event just stayed under the radar–nobody seemed to notice, and for the ones that did, it didn't seem to affect them at all.

And of course, Edward remaining focused and on track helped a lot with my mood.

He had hit a few snags every once in a while, breaking minor rules intentionally, being closed in on himself and purposefully vague to his associates, trying to carry a nice conversation with me but failing–random things that I really couldn't truly understand or relate to, but I could at least be there for him and wait for the bad day or week to pass over.

Usually by the next time I talked to him, it would, and he'd be back to the same hopeful Edward he continually strived to be.

Basically, things had been on a good streak for a long time.

Which of course got me thinking to when things would start taking a turn for the worse.

Because they always did that.

Always.

Some things _were_ too good to be true, and logic suggested that this, this thing with Edward and rehab and Buprenorphine and Kirkland, was one of them.

But I couldn't go around actively willing something bad to happen just to soften the blow of when (of if. . .) it did. If I was the only person in this equation, I could, and I'd probably do it without hesitation.

But I wasn't the only person here.

There was Edward to think about. And I had to stay positive with him. God only knows what would happen if I started to randomly start to doubt him openly with no good reason. I would be crazy to do so.

And then there was Alice, because if I started getting all moody again, waiting for something that _might_ not happen to happen, things would shift to another awkward stage between us and I didn't want that. Things were looking up for us recently. She took me to the mall and I got my hair cut, and she helped me pick out an entire outfit that didn't say "Use me over and over again; I like it." She owned an over-the-shoulder bag that said those exact words–in some sick, twisted way I'm guessing it was supposed to be pro-recycling.

I still didn't want to give off that mixed vibe.

Time passed and as I neared the small lane leading to Kirkland, I briefly reviewed the basics I had been told recently about Edward's current position. I wanted to be sharp on all of his current breakthroughs for when we'd meet up again.

The last time we spoke he told me that his case manager was really confident in his ability to remain sober post-rehab, and that in turn made Edward feel the same way. He said the manager told him that staying clean was one hundred percent in _his_ hands, and that he never had to go back to the way he was before. Then, Edward got sheepish and said in a quiet tone that he had a mini epiphany. I thought it was adorable, and really amazing.

I was witnessing the transformation of Edward from a hopeless drug addict to someone forty-two days sober and counting. A _lot_ of things were changing.

_Crazy, crazy, crazy_, was all I could think.

And it was. Everything about us was crazy. How we met. How we got together. How we came to where we were. How I was handling it all. How quickly Edward was changing.

That was to be expected though. With Edward's determined attitude and his new clean slate in rehab, things were bound to go one-eighty on him.

But everything else . . . was crazy.

And at this moment, I wouldn't change a thing.

I briefly smiled in anticipation as I exited my car.

I was going to see Edward.

There was a separate building from the main recreation hall that visitors were allowed in. It was mostly used for large lectures and "physically engaging group activities." Edward told me those were basically just yoga routines that were more awkward than lifting.

The sky was black in night and the lone lamp post was flickering softly. There were some other people getting out of their cars and walking in. I couldn't really see their faces but their movements were as eager and jumpy as mine. It was cold outside and there were people inside that we wanted to see.

There was a young girl leaning against her car. As I walked past towards the building, she started with me.

"So who are you meeting?" She inquired with a really pretty smile. I couldn't remember ever seeing her before, but her eyes were familiar.

"A friend," I spoke clearly.

"Are you afraid?"

I furrowed my eyebrows at two things – the fact that she was talking to me, and my response. "No, actually, I'm not anymore."

She laughed without humor, her demeanor suddenly changing.

I looked down, shy. "Who are you meeting?"

When she didn't answer after a pause I chanced a glance at her. She was looking up at the street light and it reflected tears in her eyes. She looked older than I had originally guessed.

"My father," she admitted as we both stopped walking.

I didn't know whether to stay and talk with her or to just go in, but she seemed sad and it would be polite to at least make sure she made it in okay.

"And are you afraid?" I asked softly, the sound of cars disappearing on the gravel road fading.

She sniffled delicately and looked at me with rueful eyes. "Not at first, I wasn't. I wanted to be strong for him, and I felt like-like if we could just be strong enough together that he'd be fine . . . but he doesn't want to try anymore.

"One by one they all stopped visiting, mom, my sister." A strangled sob escaped her body as it jerked away from mine.

"You're still here," I whispered.

She composed herself quickly and wiped a finger beneath her eye as a tear fell over.

"I don't even know why anymore," She said bluntly before walking away.

* * *

During the past month, my happiness had clouded the constant fear I had for Edward. And I had a lot of things to be happy about, but they would fade quicker than the fear inducing ones.

I barely knew anything about the young-ish girl and her father, but I wasn't stupid and I could draw a lot of meaning out of her few words and body language.

She wasn't warning me or trying her hand at intimidation. She was alone and she saw me and wanted to say something. She had to get it out.

But she came to her senses, I watched it all happen as she showed a love and sympathy for her father only a daughter could hold, and then she closed herself up.

I guess she had put herself out there too much, and she just couldn't take it anymore. It was obvious visiting him caused her pain. Her love was putting her on auto pilot to protect her heart.

And I didn't know how to feel or what to say. Everything was alright now but that didn't mean it would be in the future.

In a matter of _days_ everything could change. But until then I had to remain positive for Edward.

I think I needed the girl's soft confession to remain mentally prepared. I had seen what caring for an addict could do to a person. It was . . . saddening.

But I had to believe in Edward.

Or else my fear would eat me alive.

As soon as I walked into the open hall I spotted Edward sitting at a round table with some other people. His leg was bouncing up and down and his eyes were on me. I gave him a half smile because my mood wasn't that great anymore and we walked across the back wall to meet halfway.

"Hey," I said as he wrapped one arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a hug. That's what we were doing these days – the one armed-hug. We saw each other pretty often and there was no more need for the dramatic spinning hugs, especially because we weren't dating.

"How are you?" he asked. Ah, I loved his voice.

I ran a hand through my hair and flipped my bangs. "I'm good, you?"

He let out a sharp laugh and then stopped. "I'm fine."

I quirked an eyebrow. "What's up?"

He looked away and tried to fight a smile. "It's nothing. It's just that the feeling I get when I see you, or wait for you by the door, it's a lot like the feeling I used to get while I waited for my mom to pick me up from pre-school." He faced me slowly. "I hope that didn't creep you out,"

I shook my head quickly. "No, that was really sweet, Edward." I smiled as I understood. I guess the two feelings had their similarities. You were away from something all day long, and you waited and waited until a door opened and they were there. And suddenly your whole day changed.

"For the longest time it felt really familiar, and I couldn't place it. But today I could." He smiled again as he gestured with his arm that I lead the way towards the row of chairs. There was a PowerPoint on the screen and the apparent lecturer sitting up front reading a book.

Edward put his arm around the back of my chair but that was the extent of our contact. I smiled up at him before the man started speaking and placed my hand on his leg. He did not protest.

We did these little things all the time, but I doubted they meant anything deep to Edward. And I didn't really care at the moment. We weren't playing with each other's emotions or dancing around our hearts. He knew I understood that we couldn't progress romantically right now, but he was fine with small, friendly contact.

I just liked his warmth.

I think my touches sometimes reminded him that he wasn't alone, because his breathing always evened out and I could feel his muscles relax.

The presentation started out with facts for the man to read. It began just gently brushing on how the brain reacts to the physical addiction of drugs and alcohol, how the chemistry changes. The next few slides dove in deeper to specific drugs, methamphetamine, cocaine, oxycotin and heroin. I had heard a lot of the stuff before in past health classes from my glory days in high school, but the pictures of the physical effects were all new to me. It was really gross.

As the lecture progressed, he started telling stories about people, even about himself. It turned out he was a recovering addict himself, and had done crystal meth in the past. He was sober now and doing well, but he lost his fiancée and daughter. His parents no longer speak with him but his brother keeps in contact sometimes. He didn't really go in too deep about why his parents had cut him off completely, but it must have been bad.

Even as he told story after heartbreaking story, he stayed completely professional. He was the kind of guy who spoke quickly, tonelessly, and matter-of-factly to make the harsher realities harsher.

And it freaking worked.

My mood dropped several notches just because of the pure sadness these nameless people's stories exuded. And I wasn't always sorry for the drug addicts, but for the families. Some of them had been through hell and back and it was crazy. For some reason, drug addicts and alcoholics always end up having some kid, and then they get stuck in the situation and you just want to pull your hair out at the thought of all the emotional trauma they went through, and what will probably become of them.

By far it was an extremely engaging presentation and the man knew what he was doing. He left us with a final message of just simple reality and consequences, and I suddenly wasn't so sad anymore–just emotionally drained.

He smiled humorlessly at our reactions and questions, but other than that showed no emotion. You could still tell he was a genuine person, though. He wasn't exactly getting paid for doing this.

Afterwards we had a few moments as he took extra questions. When I came in there were two half pots of coffee left and some Oreos. Now the coffee was gone. All the Oreos remained.

Some people dispersed with their respective family members, others left. I smiled at Edward and pushed off his leg with my hand and used it as leverage. Once up I offered him help and he stood with me. He rubbed my knuckles once before letting my hand go. We walked to an empty table near the doors and leaned against it for support.

"He was really good," I offered as a conversation starter.

Edward smirked and nodded, eyes somewhere else.

I didn't know how much more time we had left before I had to go, but it couldn't be a lot.

Out of curiosity, I scanned the room and noticed that it had the same design scheme of pale, washed out wall colors and light sketches on the walls. The only difference this building had with the other was its hard wood floors.

I noticed the girl I had met earlier still sitting in an audience chair with a man next to her. I assumed it was her father.

She was staring straight ahead with her hands clasped in her lap. Her eyes were wide but they held no expression. Her father was leaning on his elbows over his knees, staring at nothing too.

They weren't speaking and there was no physical way to tell, but everything about them screamed dreaded acceptance.

"Do you know who they are?" I asked Edward in a normal voice, gesturing with my arm briefly to point out where they were.

He scanned them quickly before his eyes narrowed in recognition.

He cleared his throat and looked down at his feet. "The man's name is Roy, and that's his daughter beside him, Starr."

I nodded while turning back to look him in the eyes. "She spoke to me in the parking lot,"

He lifted his head. "About?"

I sighed. "I don't know, it was weird, she told me she was meeting her father and that she was afraid. She said he didn't want to try anymore," I ended the sentence as a question. If Edward knew anything about the two, I was curious. The unknown about the situation just added to the emptiness her story brought.

He breathed a laugh without humor. _Everyone_ did that around here. "Roy's had it rough, but, he had a good thing going for a while. I don't know what happened. Sometimes you get these thoughts in your head and you just lose the drive, I guess.

It's not that he doesn't love his family, because he does, _very_ much, but he's kinda fucked right now." He shrugged. "I don't know, it happens, Bella." His eyes were distant, but they held the same thing that Roy and Starr's position did, dreaded acceptance.

It wasn't something of question for him or Roy, apparently. When it happened, it didn't come as a surprise to them, it was just what it was.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"Starr's been a real trooper, but it's starting to weigh on her now. She shows up every other week during the last ten minutes of visiting hours and just sits with him." He stretched out and sighed. "He's leaving soon."

I didn't ask him anymore about the topic.

Only a few seconds of silence passed before I felt Edward gently caress my face. He gave me a look that said I didn't have to worry right now. Then it disappeared.

"Oh! I almost forgot," He dug around in his back jean pocket before pulling out a folded piece of notebook paper. I smiled.

"This is a pretty recent sonnet that I deemed acceptable," He smiled crookedly before placing the paper in my hands. "You can read it now," _Finally_, I thought. He'd teased me with the possibility of reading his work for weeks.

I unfolded it eagerly and bit my lip. I didn't know quite what to expect. But perhaps it would shed a little more light on the way he was thinking when not around me or anyone for that matter, when he was left alone with his thoughts.

_Sometimes I let myself sit and wonder,__  
when lights are out and I don't want to sleep,__  
about leaving now without the blunder  
of future mistakes, and taking the leap._

_I can almost see myself in that life  
Working and living and being normal.  
Then the realization cuts like a knife  
Life for me will never be that formal._

_I will always carry this ball and chain.  
My mind will always go back to one thing.  
I think about it now despite the pain_  
"_Nothing will be easy," says the dull sting._

_ I'm told that faith and hard work will pay  
And now I strive to believe what they say._

"And you didn't even cheat," I muttered under my breath.

"What's that?" Edward asked in a small laugh.

"Your syllables, you didn't even cheat on those. Shakespeare did."

"Well, I wanted to."

I looked back at the paper and reread a few lines. "Do you always feel this way?"

He sighed and looked away, changing his demeanor like I did. "A lot of times, yes, but it's not all bad, Bella. It's just part of the recovery process; I have to change. I still want to get better, and I still want that life no matter what.

"In the beginning, it was harder to take everything they said seriously, but I'm finding out that there's no reason not to believe them. They're only here to help and that's what I need.

"The biggest thing I have to fear right now is myself, not them, not the future, not leaving. It's only me, but I can control it. I just have to work hard."

"I mean, yeah, heroin will always be with me in a big way, but I don't have to go back. Ever."

I hugged him then because everything he said was exactly what I needed to hear after tonight. I hugged him because right then, at that moment, he was my freaking hero. And I briefly wondered if a moment like this ever happened to Starr and her father Roy, and if she was swept off her feet by hope. But then I realized that even if she was, none of it mattered to Edward or I. We were different people from them, and our situation was nothing like theirs'. Yeah, it might turn out a hell of a lot worse, or it could just become a miracle.

Whatever happened, happened, but right then, I just needed to hug him – to let him know that I was everything for him – happy, sad, proud, worried, hopeful.

Edward didn't say anything. He just let me wrap myself around him for a few moments. His arms linked low around my waist.

I looked back up at him, and, despite our best logical efforts to remain friendly, as my arms rose from his back to his neck, and he looked down on me and I could feel his breath on my face, we got a little romantic.


	15. Judgement

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY.**

"Do you wanna talk about it…?... Should we just talk about something else?" I asked tentatively. Edward was apparently upset over something and was having a hard time communicating it. On top of this he had a cold.

"I don't really know what there is to say about it," He sighed deeply into the receiver. "They're trying to get me to do something I really don't want to do," His voice was quiet now.

I furrowed my brow. "What is it?" I chanced after a moment of silence.

"I don't want you to think me stupid." He admitted.

"You know I wouldn't do that,"

"Yeah, well,"

After another lapse of quietness between us, I sighed and gave in. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Just know that if you it'll make you feel better, I'm here to listen."

He cleared his throat. "I don't know if you'll understand,"

I swatted away the immediate hurt I felt at his statement. His mind was a very isolated, confused place right now. It was normal for him to doubt that anyone would have the capacity to understand, especially someone who couldn't exactly empathize.

"Maybe I will… maybe I won't. But at least if you tell me I won't have to worry as much."

"You'll probably worry more if I tell you," He admitted dryly.

"Oh," I meant it as a joke.

"I was hoping it would be easier to talk to you about… my parents, but it's really all the same.

"That's what they're trying to make me do, by the way. They want me to pick apart my most recent past with them in depth to hopefully drive away any demons that could cause conflict in my future." He coughed once before continuing in a clearer voice. "Of course, you think it's logical, don't you? They think it too. And it does make sense. My mother's sickness and my father's death were obviously a big part of my triggers. I've never gotten the chance to express my feelings pertaining to those events in depth to anyone, ever. And I don't want to, or rather, I can't.

"Those were the darkest moments of my life, and they weren't just minutes or hours or days, they were weeks and months. And I _can't_ go back there, Bella." His voice, though nasally at the moment due to congestion, shook with vulnerability.

I wanted to agree with him wholly, and say that he never had to revisit those times for the sake of recovery, that none of it mattered.

But I knew, I _knew_, that it wouldn't be true.

He needed to come to some sort of closure with his parents' deaths, especially since it once affected his drug use so heavily, and it was obvious by the fact that he was so reluctant to touch the topic, that he had none.

But I didn't want to just shoot him down and completely disregard the fact that it really did hurt him to speak of them, because then it would seem he was right, that I wouldn't understand.

He was probably being pressured enough as it was from the facility, and for me to suddenly turn on him wouldn't help the situation.

And I had to be there for him, like I promised, but yet I knew that crumbling and letting him continue to believe something that could potentially hurt the both of us in the long run wouldn't be good either.

Now, I just had to figure out how to put the two together without upsetting the balance too much.

It was then that I realized that things really were changing for the two of us, and that one day I might be looking back at this moment thinking, "Man, I had it so easy back then." And even though fabricating the correct approach to the topic was complicated, it wasn't as pressured as it could be. After all, Edward was still in rehab, and as long as he was in there, keeping is mental recovery stable wasn't my responsibility - therefore I didn't have to worry about it too much.

I took a deep breath before beginning. "I see what you mean, Edward, I really do. I mean, the weight of things bearing down on you must be a lot to take, and to be wanted to dissect the most painful times of your life can't be easy.

"But I think that if you at least give yourself some time to adjust to the idea of letting some things out, that actually talking about it could really help you.

"And you don't even have to go back to the darker times at first, just take baby steps. I really do believe that if you attempted to be open to the situation, you would feel a lot better about things."

He softly groaned in protest to my words.

"But, you see, Bella, you don't get it. I _know_ that expressing my feelings towards my parents' relations to my drug use could reap benefits mentally, because keeping them in obviously just sustains an ominous-looking cloud of raining angst over my head. But the crazy thing is, in order for me to stay as sober as I am right now, I _need_ that cloud. I _need_ that reminder.

"And you're gonna disagree with me on this, my counselors already have, but it's this never ending, all consuming _guilt_ that I feel, that's keeping me from ever even thinking about the possibility of even deeply _wanting_ to go back. I believe that if I stay in this clean environment, free from my past entirely, I can stay sober."

I closed my eyes as I spoke. "Edward, do you still want, with every individual little fiber of your being, to get better?"

"_Yes_, Bella,"

"Even now? Even after I've tried to sway you into the educated beliefs of your counselors? Even though what they're trying to do is completely logical and what you're trying to do goes against it in everyway?"

I could hear him breathing deeply on the other end, the exhales coming tense into the receiver. "When I first came here, they told me that every single case they come across is unique, but that mine was 'unique-unique' because it was my first time coming here, it was completely by my will, and because my past was either buried six feet under or alive and well, twenty-five hundred miles away.

"The biggest thing they teach us about here is staying sober, and the most focused topic discussed is the ties we share with the people who influenced our lives poorly.

"I'm not going to waste my time worrying about people from that time just for the simple fact of routine closure. My definition of closure has been fulfilled, and though it may differ from _theirs_ or _yours_, the only person that matters in the situation is me. _I'm_ the one who controls my sobriety, and as long as I feel stable, I'm not going to stress myself out about things that do not need to be addressed."

"Do you really believe that you're method is going to work?" I asked in a small voice as the worry and anxiety began to constrict my veins and make me feel lightheaded.

"It's all I know, Bella. I can't see myself going about this any other way." His voice was tight, but sure.

"I can't even truly voice my opinion on this, you know. I've never been in your situation before." I laughed lightly. "Right, lame. But, getting to the point, I don't think what you're doing is- is healthy, and even if it doesn't negatively affect your progress in the long run, it's obvious you'll never be happy. Now, hear me out, I may be completely wrong, and you may even have a 'unique-unique' way of handling things, but maybe, just to purchase some piece of mind for the both of us, you could consider a slightly different path.

"Just try to broaden your horizons a little bit, okay? There are other options, other ways to recover and actually be genuinely happy." My voice was breaking now. I wanted him to see, to try their ways, because I didn't know what I would do if Edward could never be happy. That could be a greater downfall than a relapse in itself.

There was another grand pause. The emptiness could be heard and felt. But I didn't want to speak up. I wanted him to break the silence in some form of agreement.

"Oh, Bella," he whispered in a sigh. "For you, I will try."

Later in the night, we both decided that it would be best to take a break this weekend from visits. Edward needed to recover from his sickness, and attempt to reflect openly about his past. I wanted to give him time, and my presence on Saturday would just serve as a distraction.

It was going to be different, having an Edward-free weekend, but then again, things were changing.

And this was just a small diversion in a constantly evolving course.

**…**

"Alice, that piece is already straight," I watched as she ran the flat iron over a patch of already fried-beyond-repair hair.

"Yeah, but if flips, I don't want flips tonight." She complained, taking a comb and placing it in the path of the tool as she ran it through again.

"Looks fine to me," I mumbled under my breath as I put my belongings under the counter again. And as far as not having flips goes, it really did. But if Alice was worried about extremely apparent split ends due to heat induced torture and chemically applied death, well, then, she had another thing coming. But at least it was unique, and the cut was modern. She claimed the purple stripes and frayed ends were the "in" thing right now. And I believed her because she did always manage to make it look nice.

After a few more swipes with the iron she was ready and we were walking out the door shortly after that.

"Hey, isn't Jasper coming along?" I asked as we passed his turn.

"Nah, not tonight. He's gonna hang with his buddies."

"But I thought he was really looking forward to seeing Emmett again," I began before realization dawned on me and I frowned. "Is he not going because of me?"

Alice shook her head. "We just don't want you to be fifth-wheeling it all the time, that's all."

I wrinkled my nose. "It really doesn't matter, you know that. If he wanted to see Emmett he shouldn't have backed out just so I could feel more comfortable."

"Bella, we've been through this a gazillion times before, you just don't remember because you haven't hung out with us in so long. At first, you put up a fight and insisted that we all hang out as a group, but you've gotta admit it's awkward, especially when we go to the movies or we get… carried away. After a while, you just stopped saying anything, and we made sure you were never the fifth wheel."

I turned the radio down. "Are you sure? Because I really don't remember any of this and I have a feeling that you're lying to me." I laughed in her direction.

She smiled. "Silly Bella, we're just trying to be good friends. I know _I_ wouldn't particularly enjoy being the fifth wheel one hundred percent of the time, so I'm just treating you how I would like to be treated if I were in _your_ situation."

I huffed. "Whatever, I still don't think it's entirely necessary."

"Well of course, you wouldn't be Bella if you did." She laughed. "And I know you really aren't that close with Rosalie, but we'll have fun tonight, and if anything, it's nice to leave the city and get an actual meal."

"Yeah, I'm actually looking forward to it." I told her genuinely.

It was my first free weekend in a long time and Alice was generous enough to share her plans with me. Going out to dinner with friends was a change of pace from what I'd grown used to, but a welcome break all the same.

And Alice was right, getting out of the city was nice. I kind of forgot how beautiful Washington could be naturally, without buildings and piers. I remember always feeling safe in the car as a kid when we drove through roads similar to this, surrounded by the walls of aged trees.

We were on the interstate for about forty-five minutes, chatting occasionally and just having a nice time without worries, before we turned off into the secluded restaurant's drive.

It was a lodge-like restaurant with log siding and dark green, steel roofing. A lot of people came here for the steak and game, and oddly enough the only thing I really liked on their menu was the Caesar salad.

Rosalie and Emmett were just getting out of their vehicle as we pulled in. I sucked in a breath at the sudden swell of nervousness making its home inside my stomach. I didn't really know if I would tell them about Edward or not. It wasn't that I was trying to hide anything, but it was an awkward situation to bring about. I knew they were technically my friends and wouldn't burn me at the stake, but I still worried.

I just hoped that the situation wouldn't blatantly present itself. Besides, it's not like the news would affect them if I told them or not. I mean, the last time I saw Emmett he had a shaved head and now his hair had grown out to his forehead and he had a beard. I rarely saw the guy anymore.

Rosalie, well, I only remember her looking like an intimidating knockout. Which is exactly what she looked like now. Except taller, and probably more intimidating because of that.

"He-e-e-ey!" Alice called as she hopped out of her car and ran over to Rosalie.

"Alice," She sang in a high tone. As they pulled apart, Alice looked at Emmett expectantly.

"Emmett!"

"Alice!" He lifted her up briefly while I walked over to Rosalie and smiled in greeting. She waved.

"You look like a lumberjack," Alice pointed out to him once firmly on the ground.

"That's because I am one." He told her proudly.

We all laughed in response as we made our way into the restaurant, Emmett's arms around mine and Alice's shoulders.

"So how've you guys been?" He asked excitedly, pulling us closer and raising his voice to get his message across the loud chatter of the restaurant as we were ushered to our booth.

Alice spoke and her eyes sparkled. "I'm great. Bella's great, she just finished up with her book tour, did you know that?" She continued without waiting for his response. "Ooh, and I cut my hair and got these cool patches put in! What do you think?" She pulled away and fluffed her hair up with the tips of her fingers.

I smiled. "Notice she said that she cut her hair and not 'I got my hair cut.'"

Alice wrinkled her nose up at me defiantly before smiling at Emmett. "This look is the original work of Alice herself."

Emmett laughed as he examined the hair carefully. "I like it. It's got edge."

Once we were all seated and had ordered our drinks and appetizers, there wasn't a lot of time to catch up on personal events in our lives due to the fact that someone brought up the topic of bizarre traffic experiences and this just led from one tangent to another.

Alice and Rosalie were both "Raging Road Rage Bitches" according to Emmett. And when asked of my driving type or personal experiences, I was briefly brought back to the last time I was in a car with Edward, and the way he judged me.

"Um, overcautious, I guess?" I raised my eyebrows at Emmett, hoping my answer would suit him.

Alice nearly choked on her drink and was flailing her arms towards me.

"Ugh, don't even get me started on that. I swear it's like the movie _Speed_ with her. She can't freaking go above forty miles per hour without having a heart attack and probably exploding in fear."

I gaped. "It's _not_ that bad."

"Uh, yeah, it is,"

I pouted. "Well, no one asked your opinion anyway."

As I finished my salad Rosalie and Emmett got the chance to update Alice and I on what was new in their life. Turns out the beard and the shaggy hair were the biggest change since we last hung out.

"Yeah, Rose didn't like the shaved head too much. And she says the beard is just a temp thing, that if I look older maybe I'll start acting it." He laughed.

Alice laughed. "Nice,"

I molded the plastic wrap once around my straw into a little roll and flattened it out again before the sound of Rosalie clearing her throat met my ears. I looked up at her, instantly met with a serious expression.

"So, Bella, how's that book of yours doing?" Her tone was really sweet but fright always stirred in me whenever we spoke.

She was just the kind of person that was so perfect on the outside, you couldn't help but feel inferior in her presence. The vibe she gave off was definitely snobbish, even if she didn't intend it. But Alice had a good history with her so she must have been a charming person at heart.

"It's going okay, as far as I know. But I'm kinda finished with that chapter of my life. I don't think I'll be doing anymore books." I watched as she traced her finger along the rim of her glass of water.

She nodded slowly. "I see,"

"What about that love life of yours? How's that Mike kid been faring out with you?" Emmett's sudden intrusion into the conversation made me jump in my seat slightly. His voice was so loud.

"I'm sorry?" I blushed at my jitteriness, and at the fact that I couldn't put a face to the name.

He shook his head and shrugged it off. "I don't know. Thought Alice said something about you having a boyfriend for a while."

My eyes widened. "_Oh_. _That_ Mike," I shook my head and laughed. "I dated him during college and about five months ago he tried to start seeing me again but I wasn't feeling it."

Alice laughed, she always made fun him.

Emmett continued, unfazed. "Well, what about now? You seeing anyone?"

I didn't know how to answer this, but I could feel that the need to share some information about Edward was becoming a little more mandatory than before.

Back in the day, Emmett used to try and set me up on blind dates with some of his friends from work. They were all really nice guys; Emmett would never put me with somebody he didn't think I would like. But I just didn't feel a spark.

If I led him on to the fact that I was kind of single, he might take that as a sign to start hooking me up with people again. And I really wasn't interested.

Especially now.

"Um, well," I cleared my throat. "There is this guy,"

"_Tell me more, tell me more, like, does he have a car?_" Emmett sang loudly. A few people sitting at tables around us turned their heads. Two drunken men at the bar sang a few lines that weren't even a part of the exact song, before just softly petering out.

I laughed uneasily. "Um, no, I don't know,"

"Ahh, she's stuttering. You must really like him?" Emmett laughed.

I looked up to him with wide eyes as I briefly took in his words. Yes, I did, really like him. But right now wasn't the time to contemplate that.

"Tell us about him, Bella," Rosalie said softly. She smiled in encouragement.

I really wished they weren't so interested in my romantic life, but then again I guess I was to blame for their curiosity for not having a more regular one.

And I couldn't even call what I had right now "romantic."

Alice cleared her throat. I didn't turn her way.

"Well, he's a really sweet guy and I think he cares about me. I know I care about him. But, like, we're not really _dating_ per se. And I don't really know if that kind of relationship is in the cards for us, at least in the foreseeable future." I told them honestly. They looked skeptical. "It's just that what we have is a lot deeper than that, even though we aren't together in that way."

"So is he just a friend?" Rosalie offered.

"No," I said without thinking. I realized that if I would've put more thought into that question, the answer would've been different. "But he's not my boyfriend either." Emmett's eyebrows were raised.

"I don't know how to tell you guys. What we have is different because of who he is and what I'm doing." Gah, that didn't really help much.

We all briefly turned our heads to the table across the room where a very loud rendition of "Happy Birthday" was being sung by a small group of staff to an awkward preteen. Her family soon joined in.

The wow factor of that scene disappeared rather quickly and once again, Rosalie and Emmett were looking at me expectedly.

"Edward's a drug addict in rehab," I said quickly, breaking eye contact and fumbling with the straw wrapper again. "But he _wants_ to get better. So I'm helping him." I was met with silence. "We met," I looked up to them. "just a few days before he checked himself in. He's doing really well right now." I sighed. "That's that."

I felt Alice pat my back quickly and I half-smiled up at her. I heard Rosalie scoff.

I was really surprised the ugly-bitch-alter-ego didn't rear its head sooner. After all, I was on edge all night. I was expecting it. And now it was here.

I closed my eyes briefly as I spoke. "Listen, I know it sounds silly but the thing is, Edward is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't believe he had it in him to get clean and _stay_ clean." My eyes landed on Emmett and he was nodding assuredly, though not saying anything. I smiled at his sweetness.

"Do you even know what you're doing, Bella?" Rosalie's eyes were narrowed and her expression made me blush. I felt like a child trying to do something amazing but was just told by their older sibling that they couldn't. I was the kind of little sister who would take everything to heart.

"You don't do you?"

"Rose…" Emmett whispered.

She continued. "Bella, I'm sorry, but you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak."

"It's not like that. I told you, we're not together." I tried.

She raised a finger in my direction, and if I had been watching my life on a sitcom, I would've laughed at the gesture.

But I wasn't. This was all kind of real.

"But you care about him, and when things go bad, you're going to get hurt." She watched my reaction carefully. "You're hurting now, aren't you?"

I wanted to scream _Yes!_ but it's only because you're singling me out and criticizing everything that I care about most!

But old shyness and new nerves prevented me from doing anything. I just listened.

She shook her head and avoided my gaze. I blushed and looked down at the table, feeling shamed. Damn Rosalie and her piercing silences.

"I'm going to be frank with you, and this may sound mean, but I think what you're doing is stupid, Bella. And I wonder – are you really just that ignorant to the power of addiction?" She tilted her head.

And it didn't matter that she had no clue about what drug he used or why he used it or for how long, no matter how I would've fought her last statement, she would've one. Partly because she always wins arguments (I'd seen her in action before) and partly because, she had a point.

Everything that was happening with me and Edward now was all new to me, I had no experience with the abuse of drugs or alcohol, never witnessed anything like it before in person. My education ran only as far as high school standards did. Only now was I beginning to learn just how complicated things could be.

But then I just looked at Rosalie and the little "Bitch-Face" she was currently sporting, and I wasn't so shy anymore.

She was judging the situation, which meant she was judging me and Edward. She could badger me all she wanted, I could take it. But she couldn't just _assume_ things about Edward, without even knowing him!

She said that I was setting myself up for heartbreak, which implied the fact that Edward wouldn't be strong enough in the future to remain sober. And all I could think was, _How _dare _she_.

Rosalie didn't know anything about him, and yet she wrote him off as a lost cause.

And since when was she suddenly all-knowing in the department of substance abuse and addiction?

She was a real estate agent!

And yet, she went on.

"Do you _really_ think that you can just pick up some stranger in need, clean him up, and then be his guardian angel? That it's that easy?"

I exhaled through clenched teeth. "I never said that, Rosalie."

"No, but that's what you believe, isn't it?"

"Hey, Rosalie," Alice piped in suddenly. I cringed. This was between me and Rosalie, I didn't want Alice to be dragged into this. They were friends after all.

"You're a smart girl, aren't you? Well, academically, of course. So since we've established that you're intelligent, have you ever heard the saying 'Assuming things makes an ass out of 'U' and 'Me'?" She laughed manically, seemingly enjoying herself. She was a good actress though. "Do you get it? Yes, of course you do! Because," She was holding her stomach. "the- the ass and the 'U' and the 'me' make the word assume!" She slapped the table before completely composing herself and whipping out her blackberry, giving me a "do something" look out of the corner of her eye.

I wish I could just whip out my phone and be done with facing Rosalie.

"Very funny, Alice," Rosalie sneered, before folding her napkin and turning to me, a subdued look on her face. "Well, Bella, you've heard what I've had to say about the situation. I hope you take the time to reflect on some things." She finished in a quiet raspy tone, before clearing her throat awkwardly.

"Sure you don't have anymore to say?" I asked dryly.

She shook her head, at least having the decency to look a little sheepish. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Well, good, because I do." I felt everyone's eyes whip to my face and I sat up straighter, trying to look confident – but suddenly feeling anything but.

Most times, I'd let Rosalie get away with a snotty comment or rude remark, whether directed to me or someone else, just because I was that type of person. If it made her feel better to be rude sometimes, then I would let her. I wasn't her mom, and I wasn't going to pick a fight.

But today, she had harshly judged not only me but _Edward_. And at this point, I doubted the fact that they would ever meet and that he would have a chance to stick up for himself.

So I was going to do it for him.

At least I would try.

Standing up to her confidently would mean I would have to look her in the eyes.

The feeling wasn't entirely unlike how I would imagine staring into Medusa's would feel.

I took a deep, shaky breath. "Rosalie, you have no right to judge me or Edward so harshly, _especially_ Edward because you've never even met him. Now, I know you have a right to your opinion, but with one as harsh as yours, I would at least expect you to have the common courtesy of keeping it to yourself.

"I am aware of the possible consequences of my choice to help him, and even if I'm not able to completely grasp them right now, I'll know, in the future, that it was my decision to help him, and I will take whatever is thrown at me. Because this is _my_ life, and I'd like to use it to help someone else, the possibility of heartbreak damned." I took a moment to pause, and looked away from Rosalie to the wooden table's designs.

"But I do have a question for you, and that is why is it you thought it was appropriate to school me on addiction like that? Why do _you_ know everything, and yet I, the one who's been with this person for over two months, know nothing?" I tried to keep my tone patient. I didn't want to come across as harsh anymore, just curious.

Rosalie glared at me fiercely. _Ohh, shit._

"My mother is an alcoholic that doesn't care about anyone but herself. I tried confronting her about her problem once when I was little, and she told me to go to hell. I was five. And now, twenty years later, I can't even bear to look at her. She's dying slowly and there's nothing I can do about it. Because she doesn't care enough about _anything_, okay? Even if I tried to do something, it wouldn't help.

"And I don't care if your Edward is a drug addict and my mother's an alcoholic. Substance abuse is all the same once you narrow it down. It changes people for the worse.

"But what's done is done. My mother turned to alcohol and the Edward you know went to drugs, and we _can't change them_. We can try, we can clean them up and send them to a few classes and educate them, but it won't _fix_ them. The only thing that will remain permanent now is the fact that they will always be fucked up, in some way.

"So I hope you'll be happy with _your decision_ on the day it decides to bit you in the ass." With that she sloppily threw her purse over her shoulder and charged out the restaurant. Emmett quickly slid himself out of the booth after her, but as he stepped past he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, Bella, I'm _so_ sorry about that. Okay? Don't listen to her. I think what you're doing is extremely brave and I know that no matter what the outcome, you'll be fine." He looked towards the exit for a moment before quickly glancing back to me. "And, hey, I did pot in high school and I turned out okay! Use me as an inspiration story." He suggested, all smiles, before composing himself and running towards the door.

I found myself laughing softly at his words, even though I knew I couldn't derive any hope out of them.

Alice sat gaping at the display in front of us.

"How are we going to pay for the steaks?" She whispered.

**…**

Later on we found out Emmett paid for the entire meal himself, and when Alice tried to get a hold of him on his cell phone to thank him, he didn't answer.

I sat in the backseat on the way home, claiming the headlights were giving me a headache, but I really just wanted to cry without Alice noticing.

Rosalie's words, though out of line and not entirely true, cut deep into my inner confidence and happiness.

In many ways, I knew she was right, but in others, she herself was naive to the truth.

She had only seen one side of an addict's life, and it was the part that was not only frightening in its appearance, but also in the general monotony. And due to the possibility of a more deeply scarred childhood than let on, she obviously only saw things from one standpoint. If you're an addict, you can never get better. This way of thinking was both right, and wrong.

For her life, it may very well be true. Her mother was an alcoholic that refused to get better, to see things any further than the need to drink. And after years of the same, unhealthy lifestyle, of course it would be hard for the two of them to see _anything_ different. But this was just one story out of many.

To look at things from the big picture, Rosalie's belief couldn't be more wrong.

An addict always has room to improve, to get better. But of course, this is not to say that they can ever fully recover. As Edward had mentioned before, every person's case was _unique_. And though there was always the choice to improve, _many_ things can stand in someone's way. Not only outside influences, but also the one that matters most. An addict's own wants.

Of course this was all just the mental side of things. Physically, if a substance changes your brains chemistry, then Rosalie, in a way was right again - you wouldn't ever be able to let go. As much as you were trained to think differently, your body would always crave what the substance once gave to them.

And now that I had the time to actually reflect on these things, I realized that I couldn't be angry with Rosalie anymore. She was just the type of person to speak when not spoken to, and to judge without a place.

For one unfortunate evening, it was directed towards me.

And the more I thought about it, I knew that I really couldn't even try to be mad at her for basically telling me to fuck off in front of my friends, because I, though unknowingly, struck a very personal chord, deep within her.

So, _I_ decided to call it even.

Alice had other plans – taking her rage out on the road and her car speakers. At least my sniffles would be muffled.

"I'm sorry about Rosalie tonight," she said finally.

I shook my head. "You don't have to apologize for her."

"Yes, but she's a bitch, and sometimes bitches aren't smart enough to apologize for themselves, so their friends have to."

"Alice, don't be mad at her, okay?"

She gasped, and sped up. "_Why_? I have every right to be. She treated you like a naïve little child."

I shrugged. "She felt she had to."

"But, Bella, you didn't deserve that." I shook my head.

"No, but maybe I needed it."

She glanced at me sideways and her expression turned to horror.

"Alice! Eyes on the road!"

She covered her mouth with her hand as she followed my order.

"Bella, don't let her words affect you like that. She doesn't know anything." Alice said hurriedly, trying to sneak peeks back at me.

"But she does, Alice," I told her. "She's lived the one side I haven't seen."

"But Edward's different," she whispered, dropping her hand as her eyes frantically scanned the road ahead of us.

I sighed. "Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. But even though we both know Rosalie didn't have honorable intentions when she argued with me this evening, I think that she had a valid point."

"Bella, her version of you and Edward was some bloated, stereotypical, holey, Lifetime movie plot." She turned to me. "It's not anything like you."

"This is true, but it might as very well be us, because in both of those universes, the things she said could one day render themselves very true."

"But it doesn't have to be that way," she said softly.

I leaned back in my seat and sighed. "Exactly."

As I looked out the car window and up into the clear night sky, I became more and more thankful for Rosalie's words, because though they hurt, they opened my eyes up even wider to the possibility of Edward never getting better.

And I needed just as many assurances as discouragements in this situation to remain alert.

I would have a cloud above my head just like Edward did. Except mine would be raining either golden stars or warnings.

It was a very unfortunate situation.

I knew that even if Edward decided put himself one hundred percent into their methods, he would most likely be too frightened to change, and end up receding back into his own image of safety.

And as for me, I'd always be set on an extremely delicate balance, torn between staying with him, or running like hell.

But, of course, it could always be much, much worse. So I sucked up my pessimistic feelings for the night and just listened to the music, thinking of Edward with a shy smile on my face.

**I think this is the last of the rehab chapters.**

**One thing I'd like to clear up, don't get confused on Edward's fear to change. This current anxiety he's feeling towards trying to handle his past is different than the steryotypical fear of change. Yes, technically he is afraid of it, but it's different for him because now that he has made the biggest change of all, he feels that the smallest change in the way he handles staying sober, could set him off terribly, kinda like a domino effect or a positive feedback loop. (melting ice caps anyone?? melting progress for him!!) He's controlled himself before with his guilt, and he doesn't want to take the chance of a different method blowing up all of his progress, because that would . . . suck.**

**And as for Rosalie, yeah, she's a bitch, but without her, the world would stop spinning. And we'd like, fly through our computers or walls or something.**

**This is probably the third thing I'd like to clear up, so I apologize for lying at the beginning and being to lazy to go back right now and type "Well, I have a few things to clear up." ANYWAY, my beta's M.I.A., so that's why my writing has been sucky lately. I'm really sorry about that!! :(**

**And could someone please get me out of the 400's? I'm so sick of that number. It's ugly.**

**I really do appreciate every single one of you guys so much and you don't have to review, I was kidding up there (but the number 400 is really ugly), just as long as you read and take something out of it. Or just like it.**

**Thanks! :) Happy Summer OH! 9!  
**


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